Blu-ray Review: Golden Temple Amazons (1986)

September 2, 2018

Written by DanXIII

Daniel XIII; the result of an arcane ritual involving a King Diamond album, a box of Count Chocula, and a copy of Swank magazine, is a screenwriter, director, producer, actor, artist, and reviewer of fright flicks…Who hates ya baby?

A gaggle of surly (and mostly bare chested) Amazons ride up to a house and immediately murder a family (as one does)…well not all of the family; they let the young daughter, Liana, live and take her in as one of their own. Time passes and soon Liana’s (Analía Ivars) boobs too fly free in the breeze as she frolics with many a jungle animal, many of whom doubtless wonder how she gets her sky-high mega ’80’s hair to look so good, as I assume there isn’t a lot of Aquanet in the jungle. In time, Liana learns of her past…and why her parents were murdered (for the record her Father stole what passes for “gold” in this film, but is more commonly known as gold-colored tinfoil over rocks, from the Amazon’s hidden golden temple…which is some plywood covered with more of that damned foil…but I guess in a way it actually is gold…comedy gold that is). Our busty protagonist then swears revenge on the tribe that raised her, and sets out on a journey that finds her teamed up with a chimp, an “African” witch doctor (a.k.a. some fat-ass Italian dude), an archaeologist couple, and Kris Kristofferson Xerox copy. As they meander along they eventually find that shitty temple (the interiors of which were filmed in some sort of ornate hotel, because if they can’t pull off an exterior that doesn’t look like it belongs in a third-grade school play they might as well go somewhere and make the inside look passable, albeit not like a temple…I think my brain just fell out of my nose). Can our erstwhile heroes survive fake bats, the King of the Amazons’ (let it sink in…) machinations, torture, and gladiatorial combat in order to end the amazon’s evil reign?
Golden Temple Amazons is like the mother fuckin’ Reflex; it leaves your ass answered with a question mark…every damn time (not uncommon for a film with the great Jess Franco’s name attached to)! Why are the Amazon’s led by a man? Did anyone believe we’d think those bats were real? Why do the Amazons…who live in Africa for some reason…all look like they just came off a plane from Sweden? Who was in charge of building that temple, and were they actually paid for building that silly as balls structure? And on…and on…and on we could go, but I think you get the gist. But does that the picture a bad film? To that I say; “Are you fucking kidding me?!!” All of that above, combined with constant naked breasts make this one of the most deliciously watchable, entertaining, and downright fun pictures I’ve seen in a damn sight! You simply won’t believe how batshit this thing is from beginning to end, and I recommend slappin’ your putrid peepers on it as fast as humanly possible!
As delirious a viewing experience as Golden Temple Amazons what of the extras contained on this Blu-ray from MVD? Well, you get the film’s theatrical trailer…and a couple of other trailers. That’s as threadbare as that temple exterior my fiends!
If you love boobs (both the breast kind and the goofy idiot kind), high adventure on a low, low budget, and inexplicable characters and situations (which if you are a fan of my reviews I’d wager you well and truly do), then Golden Temple Amazons is a must own! Gather a gang of your like minded pals, get drunk, and get ready to have your mind blown!


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