Blu-ray Review: Girl on the Third Floor (2019)

January 5, 2020

Written by DanXIII

Daniel XIII; the result of an arcane ritual involving a King Diamond album, a box of Count Chocula, and a copy of Swank magazine, is a screenwriter, director, producer, actor, artist, and reviewer of fright flicks…Who hates ya baby?

Don Koch (C.M. Punk) has had a bit of a rough go lately; he’s lost his job, almost been chucked in the slammer… but on the plus side, his wife Liz (Trieste Kelly Dunn) has got a bun in the oven, and he has a rather killer Victorian-era house to renovate.

Seems prosaic enough, but the locals have plenty to say about the abode, none of it particularly great… and anyone can see why, as the dwelling leaks all manner of glop from the walls and pipes… a little black sludge here, demon spunk from the shower there, not to mention Don’s pooch hates the place like a mother fucker, which is never a good sign… just the things all homeowners go through.

As things get ever more hectic our beleaguered hero soon finds himself balls deep in affairs, dead pets, and oh so much more as apparently his new home used to be a whorehouse that seemingly serviced Silent Hill. Psycho-sexual nightmares ensue.

Take a dash of The Amityville Horror, throw on a sprinkle of Evil Dead, and slather with the aesthetics of the aforementioned Silent Hill and you have a good idea what this gruesome ghoul-ash tastes like.

That’s not to say co-writer (along with Trent Haaga)/director Travis Stevens doesn’t bring anything new to the table, I mean this is a film where a house cums all over C.M. fuckin’ Punk for shit’s sake! Seriously though, the mythology surrounding the doomed dwelling is pretty damn choice, and comes complete with it’s share of ghosts out of time, eerie drawings, and plenty of spraying fluids while saying a thing or two about the shoddy treatment women receive in the sex biz… but soapboxin’ is definitely overshadowed by legendary wrestlers receiving a facial from a haunted house…

Adding to the whole arcane affair is the acting from Mr. Punk; my dude runs the gamut from being a likable everyman, to Ash Williams surrogate, to selfish fuck-up (and back again) with ease, and he makes for a solid lead indeed.

Also of note are the nicely done practical gore and make-up effects, excellent use of the dilapidated house interior, and a very strong supporting cast.

As for bonus features on this Blu-ray release from Dark Sky Films, we get the film’s teaser and trailer, along with an audio commentary featuring Stevens who discusses the film’s production in detail, with a focus on how they achieved great results on a small budget.

Not afraid to wear it’s influences on it’s sleeve, Girl on the Third Floor is a great haunted house romp filled with great effects and an engaging cast that doesn’t fail to entertain… check this one out my faithful fiends!

Also Dark Sky, I hope you use “this is a film where a house cums all over C.M. fuckin’ Punk” to market the hell outta this one!



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