Movie Review: Dolls (2019)

July 4, 2019

Written by DanXIII

Daniel XIII; the result of an arcane ritual involving a King Diamond album, a box of Count Chocula, and a copy of Swank magazine, is a screenwriter, director, producer, actor, artist, and reviewer of fright flicks…Who hates ya baby?

Ol’ Robert (Thomas Downey) is having a bit of a tough go; he’s a struggling children’s book author who’s mother has bought the farm. Naturally he moves right on into Mommy Dearest’s home along with his ass-pain of a daughter, Sammy (Trinity Simpson). He’s also drunk off his ass a lot of the time, and his wife has left him. This is our hero folks…

Anyway, Boob (that is a type-o I simply refuse to fix because this dude is a chump through and through) and Sam soon discover a trio of diabolical dolls that keep moving location around the house seemingly of their own accord. Soon (and by that I mean after a loooong fucking time…see below) the dolls get up to the devil’s business, but will you give a damn when they do?

Like fast paced fright flicks where things actually happen? Well “fuck you” says Dolls as most of this film concerns bickering family members treating us to domestic drama after domestic drama (with the occasional discussion of the mystery of the dolls because this was supposed to be a horror film at one time I imagine). Eventually the dolls actually do something, and while fraught with cheap scares, these scenes are nevertheless some fun among the tedium.

If there is one good thing I can say is that the actors do a solid job, even if you could give two shits about the characters they portray (and you will downright hate Elise Muller as Lynn, Robert’s ex-wife…seriously, this is the ultimate annoying, controlling bitch), and there is a welcome appearance from genre legend Dee Wallace.

Slow, boring, and not offering a big enough spookshow pay-off at the end, Dolls is one you can easily skip, especially since the genre has much better offerings for you to explore (the Child’s Play series and Stuart Gordon’s Dolls spring instantly to mind).



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