Blu-ray Review: Massacre in Dinosaur Valley (1985)

September 23, 2020

Written by DanXIII

Daniel XIII; the result of an arcane ritual involving a King Diamond album, a box of Count Chocula, and a copy of Swank magazine, is a screenwriter, director, producer, actor, artist, and reviewer of fright flicks…Who hates ya baby?

2019: After the Fall of New York‘s Michael Sopkiw stars as Kevin Hall, a dude that loves playing with his bone… or more accurately, bones; and of the dinosaur variety at that! This mother fucker of a paleontologist hauls those shits around in a wood box he drags behind him like a “modern day” (well as of 35 years ago anyway) Django!

So this Kev cat hitches a ride on a plane headed down to the Amazon (after a barfight so ridiculous it would be right at home in a Looney Tunes short… sound effects and all), along with a motley crew that includes, but is in no way limited to: an egghead professor (Leonidas Bayer) and his comely daughter (Suzane Carvalho), a couple of fashion models (the breathtaking Maria Reis and Susan Hahn), a crazed Vietnam Vet (Milton Rodríguez) and his high maintenance nag of a wife (Marta Anderson)… a real Gilligan’s Island type of sitch, but imagine the Minnow sailed down ’80s era 42nd St. instead of some lame soggy jaunt… anyway, that plane crashes (in a real low-tech, high-entertainment value way) right in the middle of the joltin’ jungle!

Speaking of which, along the way we are treated to all manner of jungle peril… a lil’ piranha attack here, some crocodiles there… of course a nice heapin’ spoonful of quicksand… but the real revoltin’ raison d’etre is the tribe of indigenous cannibals that live in the valley and revere the dinosaurs as gods.

I should mention that dinosaurs are my one gripe with this film… yes, the plot contains a search for dinosaur bones as it’s motivating factor, and sure the shaman of that tribe mentioned up yonder wears a triceratops skull for a headdress (along with a lime-green dinosaur hand glove equipped with razor sharp talons absolutely ideal for spilling the blood of any interloper human sacrifice), which of course is pretty fuckin’ stellar… but if you came to see any deadly dino action you can look elsewhere as those cretaceous creatures never make the scene in Massacre in Dinosaur Valley.

We do however get a villainous, shit-eatin’ grin sportin’… mine operator??? What in the fuck do you even call someone that illegally mines for gemstones utilizing slave labor? Oh yeah, a real asshole! We get a real asshole of a scene stealer in Andy Silas’ portrayal of China.

It’s simply a Greatest Hits of Grindhouse Collection; cannibals, extreme gore, a fuck-ton of nude females… the true legends; and it’s all made extra palatable by the good-natured presence of Sopkiw as our wise-assin’ , hard hittin’ hero.

In short; writer/director Michele Massimo Tarantini (along with an uncredited script assist from Dardano Sacchetti who also wrote another Sopkiw vehicle, Blastfighter… and as a further connection, Massacre in Dinosaur Valley shares a soundtrack with that film as well) really delivers a full on blast of sleazy carnage to our putrid peepers here cats n’ creeps!

As for extra features on this Blu-ray release from Severin, we get interviews with Sopkiw (who comes across like a genuinely affable dude) and Sacchetti, a collection of deleted scenes (presented in English and Italian), the film’s theatrical trailer, and the original Italian credit sequence.

Pound for putrid pound, Massacre in Dinosaur Valley is sure to put a rictus grin on your freaky face 666 miles wide; it’s an irresistible blend of gratuitous nudity, barf-bag filling ghoulish gore, and pulp-adventure derring-do… in other words, an absolutely killer time in the ol’ horror biz!







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