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Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Before the five minute mark of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark; the titular character (portrayed by Cassandra Peterson) is groped by her new boss… and then she proceeds to quit her shitty job, and push that grabby bastard right through a desk. This is because Elvira kicks major ass… and guess what, so does this film! After the aforementioned bad touch; Elvira plans on taking her act (which seems to vary from Horror Host to Vegas showgirl… and some unholy combination of both) to Vegas… but her prospective producers are demanding a large sum to put on her show… and with her source of income now in the zero range, that ain’t gonna happen. Luckily our heroine gets a telegram informing her that her Great-Aunt Morgana has gone tits up, and Elvira is set to score big in the will; so she loads up her creepy caddy (the Macabre-mobile by name) and drives off to Fallwell, Massachusetts, where shortly after

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 7, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Wind (1986)

Super-horny famous novelist Sian Anderson (genre legend Meg Foster, she of Carpenter’s They Live, and Masters of the Universe to name but two) is ready to wing her way to Greece to finish her latest murder mystery novel. Once there she is shown her lodgings by pompous British windbag Elias Appleby (portrayed by a scene stealing Robert Morley), warned of the islands wind situation (spoiler: It ain’t great), and introduced to the villas deranged handyman Phil (portrayed by an equally scene stealing Wings Hauser). So, long story short; our heroine witnesses Phil possibly putting a murder on Appleby and soon she must not only deal with the forces of nature battering her left and right, but with ol’ Phil deciding to do a stalk n’ slay routine on her. Yeah, she’s not going to get much writing done… The Wind is a surprisingly fantastic entry in the rather over-crowded genre of ’80’s slasher flicks… and that has nothing to do

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 4, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: BloodTide (1982)

Ever go looking for your missing sister in Greece only to have your life fucked up six ways to Sunday by a sea monster that can only be appeased by the blood of virgins? Sure, we all have… and so has Neil (The Karate Kid‘s Martin Kove) who has come to that beautiful island along with his wife Sherry (Mary Louise Weller) to track down his sis Madeline (Deborah Shelton) who has pulled a vanishing act. Once there they encounter miserable ol’ bastard Nereus (José Ferrer), as well as treasure hunter Frye (the legendary James Earl Jones cuttin’ himself a big ol’ slice of ham), over-sexed space-case Barbara (Lydia Cornell who starred in the Cosmic Cow vehicle Too Close for Comfort on the ol’ boob tube)… and his sister (also a space case)… wait, that’s it, less than fifteen minutes in and it’s “mystery solved?” Obviously there’s more to this terror tale, and as you may have ascertained from my

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 3, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: White Fire (1984)

White Fire, or as I like to call it “What in the Fuck?!!“, is the tale of smart-ass brother and sister duo Bo (The Exterminator himself Robert Ginty) and Ingrid (Belinda Mayne)… and what a life they’ve had; to wit: They’ve seen their parents killed before their eyes thanks to some para-military thugs, become employees in a diamond mine who’s offices and administrative staff like they just tumbled out of the TV show V, and started a side-hustle as diamond thieves (beleaguered by Turkish criminals as is so often the case nowhere ever). Anyway, that last plot point only becomes more ludicrous when our heroes are privy to the discovery of the legendary white fire diamond, a preposterously sized gem that is so shit-hot it burns the flesh of any dumb ass who touches it… and after tragedy and a bar fight featuring roughly 4,567 mustaches, Bo sets out to pinch that rock pronto! Speaking of mustaches, Fred “The Hammer”

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 3, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Why Don’t You Just Die! (2018)

Matvey (Aleksander Kuznetsov) is dating aspiring actress Olya (Evgeniya Kregzhde), and holy fuck does she have some Kong-sized daddy issues… like she wants the Ben Grimm lookin’ mother fucker named Andrey (Vitaliy Khaev) to take a permanent dirt nap for the rather unpleasant crimes he allegedly committed against her when she was young. While the claims of Olya are suspect at best, ol’ Andrey is guilty of plenty of other crimes… crimes made easy given his status as a cop… a cop with an equally corrupt partner… and the duo have a wild hair up their collective asses about some dough they were screwed out of. So over comes ol’ Romeo Matvey with a hammer to kill Big A in his own apartment… small problem, Andrey is near indestructible, and Matvey seems to be as well… what follows is an explosive blast of cartoony, unbelievably violent, and oft times bloody confrontations within the small apartment that hasn’t been seen on

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 3, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Woman (2011)

Chris Cleek (Sean Bridgers) has the goddamned life what with being a successful lawyer and family man and all… but one bad decision could bring all that to a full fuckin’ stop believe you me! What sort of decision would that be I can just hear you lot ask with baited breath? Well, let me tell you; taking home a near-feral woman (Pollyanna McIntosh) that you discovered on a hunting trip and imprisoning her in your cellar in an attempt to make her civilized would definitely fit the bill… and that’s exactly what Chris does. To his credit, he tells his family of his intentions… much to the chagrin of his wife Belle (Angela Bettis)… but his methods to break her will are a tad (read: absolutely fuckin’ off-the-charts) misogynistic and oh-so-very wrong as-all-fuck. As you can imagine “the woman” doesn’t cotton to this for the long term and soon she begins to fight back against her forced “training”… and

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 2, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Beyond the Door (1974)

Five minutes into Beyond the Door you get narration from ol’ Satan himself, Jesus with tits n’ bush, a basic premise that manages to combine The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby, a funk song about the devil (which the musicians are told isn’t as good as their fap sessions), and a kid drinking mother fuckin’ Campbell’s soup straight from the mother fuckin’ can like a mother fuckin’ boss. I feel like “5 skulling” this bad bitch right here and now, but there is so very, very much more… Anyhow, Jessica (Juliet Mills) and her music producer beau Robert (Gabriele Lavia)… a man that loves reading about fish fucking and whom the children lovingly refer to as “asshole”… have found themselves with a new baby on the way, even though Jess is on the pill. Speaking of that finicky fetus, it’s growing at an accelerated rate and Jess is lossing her ever-lovin’ mind in various and sundry violent ways! Meanwhile that soup

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 28, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Passion of Darkly Noon (1995)

A down-home gal who goes by Callie (Ashley Judd) takes in a confused, injured young dude with the unlikely name of Darkly Noon (Brendan Fraser). Well, seems our boy Darkly used to be a member of one of those batshit religious cults that the feds went Waco on. Anyway, Callie’s mute boyfriend Clay (Viggo Mortensen) comes into the scene and things begin to sour… and that trend only continues as Darkly meets Clay’s mama Roxy (Grace Zabriskie) who tells him his new “friends” aren’t who they appear to be… it involves witches and bullshit that she weaves together into a big ol’ lie tapestry for our rattled protagonist. What will obtaining this info hold for Darkly? I’ll sum it up for you; he goes completely off the deepest of deep fuckin’ ends. Existing in a bizarre world just a step left of our own, The Passion of Darkly Noon is a hell of a fever-dream thriller! Characters are either completely

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Mar 14, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Deadly Manor (1990)

A group of friends are ramblin’ down the road down upstate New York way pick up a hitchhiker cum Lorenzo Lamas circa Renegade mother fucker named Jack, who in truth is an escaped convict. Anyway, this gang of goofs end up making a pit stop at a dilapidated mansion (which comes complete with it’s own sacrificial alter for cars and countless photos of a beautiful nude woman… as is so often the case). Anyway, after some debate, our heroes head inside and spend a restful night, then continue on to their destination where fun is had. Of course, the fucking with you has been well and truly had. In truth, these folks get offed one by one (hell, one lady doesn’t even make it through the front door) and someone or thing won’t rest until every living sole in that damned domicile are dead as doornails! Comprised of a more likable cast of characters than most stalk n’ slay affairs

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Mar 12, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: One Missed Call Trilogy (2003 – 2006)

Those rascally rascals over at Arrow Video have gone and collected some choice cuts of J-horror and put them in one handy dandy creepy collection with the new One Missed Call Trilogy set and your’s cruelly is going to go through that shizz step by step! In 2003’s One Missed Call, Yumi (Ko Shibasaki) and her gal pal Yoko (Anna Nagata) experience a phone call from the future featuring Yoko herself sounding like she’s in some dire fuckin’ straits! to make matters worse, ol’ Yoko finds out she can’t fly when she takes a flying leap off an overpass on the date the call originated from, and more of Yumi’s pals fall victim to a similar fearsome fate! It’s soon up to Yumi to try and end this evil business while dealing with her traumatic past… but can she do it before the curse catches up to her? Directed by that madman maestro Takshi Miike (Audition, Gozu, Ichi The Killer),

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 22, 2020

More from Arrow Video

Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Before the five minute mark of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark; the titular character (portrayed by Cassandra Peterson) is groped by her new boss… and then she proceeds to quit her shitty job, and push that grabby bastard right through a desk. This is because Elvira kicks major ass… and guess what, so does this film! After the aforementioned bad touch; Elvira plans on taking her act (which seems to vary from Horror Host to Vegas showgirl… and some unholy combination of both) to Vegas… but her prospective producers are demanding a large sum to put on her show… and with her source of income now in the zero range, that ain’t gonna happen. Luckily our heroine gets a telegram informing her that her Great-Aunt Morgana has gone tits up, and Elvira is set to score big in the will; so she loads up her creepy caddy (the Macabre-mobile by name) and drives off to Fallwell, Massachusetts, where shortly after

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 7, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Wind (1986)

Super-horny famous novelist Sian Anderson (genre legend Meg Foster, she of Carpenter’s They Live, and Masters of the Universe to name but two) is ready to wing her way to Greece to finish her latest murder mystery novel. Once there she is shown her lodgings by pompous British windbag Elias Appleby (portrayed by a scene stealing Robert Morley), warned of the islands wind situation (spoiler: It ain’t great), and introduced to the villas deranged handyman Phil (portrayed by an equally scene stealing Wings Hauser). So, long story short; our heroine witnesses Phil possibly putting a murder on Appleby and soon she must not only deal with the forces of nature battering her left and right, but with ol’ Phil deciding to do a stalk n’ slay routine on her. Yeah, she’s not going to get much writing done… The Wind is a surprisingly fantastic entry in the rather over-crowded genre of ’80’s slasher flicks… and that has nothing to do

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 4, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: BloodTide (1982)

Ever go looking for your missing sister in Greece only to have your life fucked up six ways to Sunday by a sea monster that can only be appeased by the blood of virgins? Sure, we all have… and so has Neil (The Karate Kid‘s Martin Kove) who has come to that beautiful island along with his wife Sherry (Mary Louise Weller) to track down his sis Madeline (Deborah Shelton) who has pulled a vanishing act. Once there they encounter miserable ol’ bastard Nereus (José Ferrer), as well as treasure hunter Frye (the legendary James Earl Jones cuttin’ himself a big ol’ slice of ham), over-sexed space-case Barbara (Lydia Cornell who starred in the Cosmic Cow vehicle Too Close for Comfort on the ol’ boob tube)… and his sister (also a space case)… wait, that’s it, less than fifteen minutes in and it’s “mystery solved?” Obviously there’s more to this terror tale, and as you may have ascertained from my

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 3, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: White Fire (1984)

White Fire, or as I like to call it “What in the Fuck?!!“, is the tale of smart-ass brother and sister duo Bo (The Exterminator himself Robert Ginty) and Ingrid (Belinda Mayne)… and what a life they’ve had; to wit: They’ve seen their parents killed before their eyes thanks to some para-military thugs, become employees in a diamond mine who’s offices and administrative staff like they just tumbled out of the TV show V, and started a side-hustle as diamond thieves (beleaguered by Turkish criminals as is so often the case nowhere ever). Anyway, that last plot point only becomes more ludicrous when our heroes are privy to the discovery of the legendary white fire diamond, a preposterously sized gem that is so shit-hot it burns the flesh of any dumb ass who touches it… and after tragedy and a bar fight featuring roughly 4,567 mustaches, Bo sets out to pinch that rock pronto! Speaking of mustaches, Fred “The Hammer”

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 3, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Why Don’t You Just Die! (2018)

Matvey (Aleksander Kuznetsov) is dating aspiring actress Olya (Evgeniya Kregzhde), and holy fuck does she have some Kong-sized daddy issues… like she wants the Ben Grimm lookin’ mother fucker named Andrey (Vitaliy Khaev) to take a permanent dirt nap for the rather unpleasant crimes he allegedly committed against her when she was young. While the claims of Olya are suspect at best, ol’ Andrey is guilty of plenty of other crimes… crimes made easy given his status as a cop… a cop with an equally corrupt partner… and the duo have a wild hair up their collective asses about some dough they were screwed out of. So over comes ol’ Romeo Matvey with a hammer to kill Big A in his own apartment… small problem, Andrey is near indestructible, and Matvey seems to be as well… what follows is an explosive blast of cartoony, unbelievably violent, and oft times bloody confrontations within the small apartment that hasn’t been seen on

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 3, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Woman (2011)

Chris Cleek (Sean Bridgers) has the goddamned life what with being a successful lawyer and family man and all… but one bad decision could bring all that to a full fuckin’ stop believe you me! What sort of decision would that be I can just hear you lot ask with baited breath? Well, let me tell you; taking home a near-feral woman (Pollyanna McIntosh) that you discovered on a hunting trip and imprisoning her in your cellar in an attempt to make her civilized would definitely fit the bill… and that’s exactly what Chris does. To his credit, he tells his family of his intentions… much to the chagrin of his wife Belle (Angela Bettis)… but his methods to break her will are a tad (read: absolutely fuckin’ off-the-charts) misogynistic and oh-so-very wrong as-all-fuck. As you can imagine “the woman” doesn’t cotton to this for the long term and soon she begins to fight back against her forced “training”… and

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 2, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Beyond the Door (1974)

Five minutes into Beyond the Door you get narration from ol’ Satan himself, Jesus with tits n’ bush, a basic premise that manages to combine The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby, a funk song about the devil (which the musicians are told isn’t as good as their fap sessions), and a kid drinking mother fuckin’ Campbell’s soup straight from the mother fuckin’ can like a mother fuckin’ boss. I feel like “5 skulling” this bad bitch right here and now, but there is so very, very much more… Anyhow, Jessica (Juliet Mills) and her music producer beau Robert (Gabriele Lavia)… a man that loves reading about fish fucking and whom the children lovingly refer to as “asshole”… have found themselves with a new baby on the way, even though Jess is on the pill. Speaking of that finicky fetus, it’s growing at an accelerated rate and Jess is lossing her ever-lovin’ mind in various and sundry violent ways! Meanwhile that soup

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 28, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Passion of Darkly Noon (1995)

A down-home gal who goes by Callie (Ashley Judd) takes in a confused, injured young dude with the unlikely name of Darkly Noon (Brendan Fraser). Well, seems our boy Darkly used to be a member of one of those batshit religious cults that the feds went Waco on. Anyway, Callie’s mute boyfriend Clay (Viggo Mortensen) comes into the scene and things begin to sour… and that trend only continues as Darkly meets Clay’s mama Roxy (Grace Zabriskie) who tells him his new “friends” aren’t who they appear to be… it involves witches and bullshit that she weaves together into a big ol’ lie tapestry for our rattled protagonist. What will obtaining this info hold for Darkly? I’ll sum it up for you; he goes completely off the deepest of deep fuckin’ ends. Existing in a bizarre world just a step left of our own, The Passion of Darkly Noon is a hell of a fever-dream thriller! Characters are either completely

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Mar 14, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Deadly Manor (1990)

A group of friends are ramblin’ down the road down upstate New York way pick up a hitchhiker cum Lorenzo Lamas circa Renegade mother fucker named Jack, who in truth is an escaped convict. Anyway, this gang of goofs end up making a pit stop at a dilapidated mansion (which comes complete with it’s own sacrificial alter for cars and countless photos of a beautiful nude woman… as is so often the case). Anyway, after some debate, our heroes head inside and spend a restful night, then continue on to their destination where fun is had. Of course, the fucking with you has been well and truly had. In truth, these folks get offed one by one (hell, one lady doesn’t even make it through the front door) and someone or thing won’t rest until every living sole in that damned domicile are dead as doornails! Comprised of a more likable cast of characters than most stalk n’ slay affairs

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Mar 12, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: One Missed Call Trilogy (2003 – 2006)

Those rascally rascals over at Arrow Video have gone and collected some choice cuts of J-horror and put them in one handy dandy creepy collection with the new One Missed Call Trilogy set and your’s cruelly is going to go through that shizz step by step! In 2003’s One Missed Call, Yumi (Ko Shibasaki) and her gal pal Yoko (Anna Nagata) experience a phone call from the future featuring Yoko herself sounding like she’s in some dire fuckin’ straits! to make matters worse, ol’ Yoko finds out she can’t fly when she takes a flying leap off an overpass on the date the call originated from, and more of Yumi’s pals fall victim to a similar fearsome fate! It’s soon up to Yumi to try and end this evil business while dealing with her traumatic past… but can she do it before the curse catches up to her? Directed by that madman maestro Takshi Miike (Audition, Gozu, Ichi The Killer),

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 22, 2020
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