Blu-ray Review: White Fire (1984)

June 3, 2020

Written by DanXIII

Daniel XIII; the result of an arcane ritual involving a King Diamond album, a box of Count Chocula, and a copy of Swank magazine, is a screenwriter, director, producer, actor, artist, and reviewer of fright flicks…Who hates ya baby?

White Fire, or as I like to call it “What in the Fuck?!!“, is the tale of smart-ass brother and sister duo Bo (The Exterminator himself Robert Ginty) and Ingrid (Belinda Mayne)… and what a life they’ve had; to wit: They’ve seen their parents killed before their eyes thanks to some para-military thugs, become employees in a diamond mine who’s offices and administrative staff  like they just tumbled out of the TV show V, and started a side-hustle as diamond thieves (beleaguered by Turkish criminals as is so often the case nowhere ever).

Anyway, that last plot point only becomes more ludicrous when our heroes are privy to the discovery of the legendary white fire diamond, a preposterously sized gem that is so shit-hot it burns the flesh of any dumb ass who touches it… and after tragedy and a bar fight featuring roughly 4,567 mustaches, Bo sets out to pinch that rock pronto!

Speaking of mustaches, Fred “The Hammer” Williamson soon makes the scene as Noah Barclay; a dude with a wild hair up his ass to find a prostitute named Olga (Diana Goodman). What the hell does that have to do with anything? Well unlike a lot of the rest of the things contained in this flick, the answer is “a lot”, but I can’t say why without spoiling things… and one must go into White Fire nearly virgin fresh for the best possible assault on the senses.

Will Bo be able to pluck that jewel and score a huge payday, or will he succumb to the violence swirling around him? Well, one thing is for sure; mustaches ensue.

For the love of unholy hell White Fire is a drive-in film connoisseurs ultimate wet-dream!  Chainsaw fights, full-frontal nudity, a theme song that cues up constantly (courtesy of the band Limelight), an appearance by The Hammer, explosive blood and gore drenched violence… and a very questionable romance… all of it gels into a delicious cinematic stew so potent in it’s outrageousness that it may just make your brain explode… okay, that won’t happen, but watchin’ this thing is a jaw-droppin’ pleasure that will surely satisfy!

Now while it does hit all the sweet spots we love in these parts, and a few we really never, ever needed hit, White Fire will leave you answered with more question marks than the fuckin’ Reflex… why does Bo’s mentor insist he read a ketchup bottle, why does said mentor not give a singular shit that his wife and dog were brutally murdered, what is up with the amazonian plastic surgery mansion/temple, and why does Ingrid get out of the pool to shower only to take a swim directly after? The world may never know… or care…

One question that won’t remain a mystery is: “What bonus features does this Blu-ray release from Arrow Video and MVD Entertainment have to offer?” Well set your putrid peepers on the following!

First up we get an ultra-informative and engaging audio commentary from the infinitely knowledgeable Kat Ellinger (who makes a point I should mention: for all the craziness on the screen, writer/director Jean-Marie Pallardy presents it all with an earnest amount of heart… hell, the dude gets set on fire on screen for his damn film)!

Following that we get new interviews with Williamson (always an entertaining time), Pallardy, and editor Bruno Zincone, as well as a new trailer for the film. Also included is illustrated collectors’ booklet featuring new writing on the flick by film historian and author Julian Grainger.

So there ya have it; this diamond is pure gold… exploitation gold, but gold all the same!







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