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Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Cruel Jaws (1995)

Ever want to watch the entire Jaws series of films in one go, but you just could never find the time? Well, fret not cats n’ creeps, because your kindly uncle Bruno (Mattei that is… he of Shocking Dark, Rats: Night of Terror, and a beastly billion more… even though he’s credited as William Snyder here for reasons most likely relating to permits and taxes) has managed to shove the entire series into a 94 minute gem titled Cruel Jaws! In the sleepy seaside town of Hampton Bay, Dag (Richard Dew… though it may actually be Hulk Hogan… Dagamania’s runnin’ wild brother!) operates an aquarium, though he’s down on his luck after an accident nearly ruined him, and left his poor waif of a daughter mighty pouty… and unable to walk I guess. To make matters worse, a greedy-ass businessman, the mafia, and the town’s mayor want his ass evicted pronto. Naturally, there’s also an annual festival (this time a

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 28, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Massacre in Dinosaur Valley (1985)

2019: After the Fall of New York‘s Michael Sopkiw stars as Kevin Hall, a dude that loves playing with his bone… or more accurately, bones; and of the dinosaur variety at that! This mother fucker of a paleontologist hauls those shits around in a wood box he drags behind him like a “modern day” (well as of 35 years ago anyway) Django! So this Kev cat hitches a ride on a plane headed down to the Amazon (after a barfight so ridiculous it would be right at home in a Looney Tunes short… sound effects and all), along with a motley crew that includes, but is in no way limited to: an egghead professor (Leonidas Bayer) and his comely daughter (Suzane Carvalho), a couple of fashion models (the breathtaking Maria Reis and Susan Hahn), a crazed Vietnam Vet (Milton Rodríguez) and his high maintenance nag of a wife (Marta Anderson)… a real Gilligan’s Island type of sitch, but imagine the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 23, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Demonia (1990)

Picture it; Sicily 1486… a group of monks, doubtless filled with the friskiness of youth, crucify five nuns they believe are witches… Fast forward to the amazing future year 1990 A.D., and Liza (Meg Register) and Professor Evans (Brett Halsey), head to Sicily to investigate a series of ruins on the island even though every mother fucker on there tells them that it’s a rather shit idea… hell even Liza had a terrifying psychic visions of the damned place at a seance held months earlier. Well, Liza finds the bodies of those nuns, and guess what? They really were witches… blood drinkin’, hard fuckin’, Satanic ones at that… and now they are up and at ’em for some (at times) naked tittied supernatural revenge, and not even Inspector Carter (Lucio Fulci) from Interpol can do fuck-all about it! While not as bat-shit crazy as some of Fulci’s previous efforts, Demonia is still pretty fuckin’ fantastic. The ancient monastery and it’s

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 24, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Aenigma (1987)

As with most films, Lucio Fulci’s Aenigma begins with two friends helping their pal, Kathy (Milijana Zirojevic), get gussied up for a date as a theme song featuring the “not quite Air Supply” stylings of Douglas Meakin (Head Over Heels by name, though the credits are sure it’s Head Over Meels… missed it by that much) gives us a yacht rock punch right to the ol’ hairy beanbag. Well, the joke’s on her as seemingly the entire student body of St. Mary’s College (her “friends” included) laugh their asses off as the sounds of her getting hot n’ heavy with her date are broadcast for all to hear. Long story short, she bolts, is accidentally hit by a car, and rendered comatose. Enter: Eva Gordon (Lara Lamberti), a new student at the university mentioned up yonder that Kathy attended before Sex Noise Scandal ’87 took her motor skills away. Guess what? Kathy is still attending the school as she has

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 23, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Fulci For Fake (2019)

Lucio Fulci is horror biz royalty ’round these parts. City of the Living Dead (1980), The Beyond (1981), The House by the Cemetery (1981), A Lizard in a Woman’s Skin (1971), Don’t Torture a Duckling (1972), fuckin’ Zombi (2) (1979)… these are Grade-A fright flick classics right there let me tell ya cats n’ creeps! Now along comes writer/director Simone Scafidi’s with his docu-drama Fulci For Fake, a film which explores Fulci’s life and the impact he had on those that knew him best; his family and the people he created his unforgettable masterpieces alongside. Now, ol’ triple “F” begins with an off-beat conceit; actor Nicola Nocella has been cast as Frenzied Fulci in a fictitious movie about the maestro’s life (and he ends up playing him in this film as well as the meta snake eats it’s tail). To prepare for the role, he chats it up with the likes of composer Fabio Frizzi, cinematographer Sergio Salvati, screenwriter Enrico

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 23, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Complete Lenzi/Baker Giallo Collection (1969 – 1972)

As you may infer from the name of this collection, Italian horror maestro Umberto Lenzi and Pennsylvania-born actress Caroll Baker worked on a film or four together… and my fabulous freaky fiends at Severin have boxed ’em up with plenty of extras and sent them out the diabolical door! Let’s kick off our look at The Complete Lenzi/Baker Giallo Collection with 1969’s Orgasmo! High-maintenance and horny widow, Kathryn West(Baker), heads down Italy-way to shack up in her rich late old geezer’s posh-ass Villa. And there she stays, painting, lounging, being annoyed by her perpetually bitchy maid Theresa (a fantastic Lilla Brignone) and generally being bored off her tits. All that changes when equally horny, sports car enthusiast Peter Donovan (Lou Castel) breaks down right in front of our heroine’s front gate; an event that leads to some soggy sexcapades in a steamin’ hot shower (the water of which, must be noted, is drank by Donovan before he starts a-drillin’… “just

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 27, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: American Rickshaw (1989)

As American Rickshaw begins, we are treated to an image of a strange idol filmed in a manner that made your’s cruelly think “This is like some Boxer’s Omen style shit right here”… and I wasn’t wrong cats n’ creeps! The overall vibe of this pic has much more akin to those black magic shockers Shaw Brothers were crankin’ out in the ’70s than the western and sci-fi fare director Sergio Martino is known for… and that is an unexpected, and wonderful thing believe you me! The long and short of American Rickshaw goes as follows: Florida-based college kid Scott Edwards (Olympian Mitch Gaylord of all people) is a rickshaw driver (that most popular form of transportation in the States) who manages to get in the good graces of aged Chinese witch Madame Luna (Michi Kobi… giving off serious )… which is good because he ends up being framed for the murder of a pervert that filmed him having sex…

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 22, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Mondo Balordo (1964)

After a big spoon of hippie-dippy bullshit (set to some pseudo-Vic Damone crooning) that attempts to rationalize the horrors we will doubtfully soon witness, Mondo Balordo gets underway… … and in less than five minutes we get handicapped, and possibly deranged, people busking, a man that can inflate his stomach to asinine degrees, and sex with a midget prostitute… fuck me (but not like our little person harlot), this is going to be a bumpy ride… oh, and Boris Karloff of all people is mixed up in this too… Moving on we get a thick stew of Hercules flick stock-footage, exercises to reinvigorate the tiddies of ol’ biddies, strip shows, light S&M, female rasslin’ … and so much, much more. Also a blonde-haired Buddy Holly clone sings some song that is an unholy combination of ’50’s rock mixed with the manic energy of Guitar Wolf set to images of native peoples dancing to god knows what… honestly, that was my

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 11, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Beyond the Door (1974)

Five minutes into Beyond the Door you get narration from ol’ Satan himself, Jesus with tits n’ bush, a basic premise that manages to combine The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby, a funk song about the devil (which the musicians are told isn’t as good as their fap sessions), and a kid drinking mother fuckin’ Campbell’s soup straight from the mother fuckin’ can like a mother fuckin’ boss. I feel like “5 skulling” this bad bitch right here and now, but there is so very, very much more… Anyhow, Jessica (Juliet Mills) and her music producer beau Robert (Gabriele Lavia)… a man that loves reading about fish fucking and whom the children lovingly refer to as “asshole”… have found themselves with a new baby on the way, even though Jess is on the pill. Speaking of that finicky fetus, it’s growing at an accelerated rate and Jess is lossing her ever-lovin’ mind in various and sundry violent ways! Meanwhile that soup

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 28, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Evil River (2018)

Emma (Margherita Remotti), a right genius on the subject of witches and female suppression, arrives from America in Italy to investigate the story of a herbalist named Shanda (Marcella Braga) who got herself a case of the murders when she tried to stop a plague back in Ye Olden Times… that’s fuckin’ gratitude for your ass, eh boils n’ ghouls? So Emma, along with local guide Giulia (Claudia Marasca), and journalist Daniel (Diego Runco) begin the trek to Shanda’s ol’ stompin’ grounds… well they try anyway, as Emma keeps dreaming they are murdered and then the day begins again like a ghoulish Groundhog Day scenario! Will Emma be able to end her lunatic loop ans solve the ancient mystery or will she just continue to die a bit each day… you know, like we all do as we go about our normal daily routines… So what’s positive in the land of Evil River? Well, for one, the story (provided here

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Mar 4, 2020

More from Italian

Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Cruel Jaws (1995)

Ever want to watch the entire Jaws series of films in one go, but you just could never find the time? Well, fret not cats n’ creeps, because your kindly uncle Bruno (Mattei that is… he of Shocking Dark, Rats: Night of Terror, and a beastly billion more… even though he’s credited as William Snyder here for reasons most likely relating to permits and taxes) has managed to shove the entire series into a 94 minute gem titled Cruel Jaws! In the sleepy seaside town of Hampton Bay, Dag (Richard Dew… though it may actually be Hulk Hogan… Dagamania’s runnin’ wild brother!) operates an aquarium, though he’s down on his luck after an accident nearly ruined him, and left his poor waif of a daughter mighty pouty… and unable to walk I guess. To make matters worse, a greedy-ass businessman, the mafia, and the town’s mayor want his ass evicted pronto. Naturally, there’s also an annual festival (this time a

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 28, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Massacre in Dinosaur Valley (1985)

2019: After the Fall of New York‘s Michael Sopkiw stars as Kevin Hall, a dude that loves playing with his bone… or more accurately, bones; and of the dinosaur variety at that! This mother fucker of a paleontologist hauls those shits around in a wood box he drags behind him like a “modern day” (well as of 35 years ago anyway) Django! So this Kev cat hitches a ride on a plane headed down to the Amazon (after a barfight so ridiculous it would be right at home in a Looney Tunes short… sound effects and all), along with a motley crew that includes, but is in no way limited to: an egghead professor (Leonidas Bayer) and his comely daughter (Suzane Carvalho), a couple of fashion models (the breathtaking Maria Reis and Susan Hahn), a crazed Vietnam Vet (Milton Rodríguez) and his high maintenance nag of a wife (Marta Anderson)… a real Gilligan’s Island type of sitch, but imagine the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 23, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Demonia (1990)

Picture it; Sicily 1486… a group of monks, doubtless filled with the friskiness of youth, crucify five nuns they believe are witches… Fast forward to the amazing future year 1990 A.D., and Liza (Meg Register) and Professor Evans (Brett Halsey), head to Sicily to investigate a series of ruins on the island even though every mother fucker on there tells them that it’s a rather shit idea… hell even Liza had a terrifying psychic visions of the damned place at a seance held months earlier. Well, Liza finds the bodies of those nuns, and guess what? They really were witches… blood drinkin’, hard fuckin’, Satanic ones at that… and now they are up and at ’em for some (at times) naked tittied supernatural revenge, and not even Inspector Carter (Lucio Fulci) from Interpol can do fuck-all about it! While not as bat-shit crazy as some of Fulci’s previous efforts, Demonia is still pretty fuckin’ fantastic. The ancient monastery and it’s

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 24, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Aenigma (1987)

As with most films, Lucio Fulci’s Aenigma begins with two friends helping their pal, Kathy (Milijana Zirojevic), get gussied up for a date as a theme song featuring the “not quite Air Supply” stylings of Douglas Meakin (Head Over Heels by name, though the credits are sure it’s Head Over Meels… missed it by that much) gives us a yacht rock punch right to the ol’ hairy beanbag. Well, the joke’s on her as seemingly the entire student body of St. Mary’s College (her “friends” included) laugh their asses off as the sounds of her getting hot n’ heavy with her date are broadcast for all to hear. Long story short, she bolts, is accidentally hit by a car, and rendered comatose. Enter: Eva Gordon (Lara Lamberti), a new student at the university mentioned up yonder that Kathy attended before Sex Noise Scandal ’87 took her motor skills away. Guess what? Kathy is still attending the school as she has

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 23, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Fulci For Fake (2019)

Lucio Fulci is horror biz royalty ’round these parts. City of the Living Dead (1980), The Beyond (1981), The House by the Cemetery (1981), A Lizard in a Woman’s Skin (1971), Don’t Torture a Duckling (1972), fuckin’ Zombi (2) (1979)… these are Grade-A fright flick classics right there let me tell ya cats n’ creeps! Now along comes writer/director Simone Scafidi’s with his docu-drama Fulci For Fake, a film which explores Fulci’s life and the impact he had on those that knew him best; his family and the people he created his unforgettable masterpieces alongside. Now, ol’ triple “F” begins with an off-beat conceit; actor Nicola Nocella has been cast as Frenzied Fulci in a fictitious movie about the maestro’s life (and he ends up playing him in this film as well as the meta snake eats it’s tail). To prepare for the role, he chats it up with the likes of composer Fabio Frizzi, cinematographer Sergio Salvati, screenwriter Enrico

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 23, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Complete Lenzi/Baker Giallo Collection (1969 – 1972)

As you may infer from the name of this collection, Italian horror maestro Umberto Lenzi and Pennsylvania-born actress Caroll Baker worked on a film or four together… and my fabulous freaky fiends at Severin have boxed ’em up with plenty of extras and sent them out the diabolical door! Let’s kick off our look at The Complete Lenzi/Baker Giallo Collection with 1969’s Orgasmo! High-maintenance and horny widow, Kathryn West(Baker), heads down Italy-way to shack up in her rich late old geezer’s posh-ass Villa. And there she stays, painting, lounging, being annoyed by her perpetually bitchy maid Theresa (a fantastic Lilla Brignone) and generally being bored off her tits. All that changes when equally horny, sports car enthusiast Peter Donovan (Lou Castel) breaks down right in front of our heroine’s front gate; an event that leads to some soggy sexcapades in a steamin’ hot shower (the water of which, must be noted, is drank by Donovan before he starts a-drillin’… “just

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 27, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: American Rickshaw (1989)

As American Rickshaw begins, we are treated to an image of a strange idol filmed in a manner that made your’s cruelly think “This is like some Boxer’s Omen style shit right here”… and I wasn’t wrong cats n’ creeps! The overall vibe of this pic has much more akin to those black magic shockers Shaw Brothers were crankin’ out in the ’70s than the western and sci-fi fare director Sergio Martino is known for… and that is an unexpected, and wonderful thing believe you me! The long and short of American Rickshaw goes as follows: Florida-based college kid Scott Edwards (Olympian Mitch Gaylord of all people) is a rickshaw driver (that most popular form of transportation in the States) who manages to get in the good graces of aged Chinese witch Madame Luna (Michi Kobi… giving off serious )… which is good because he ends up being framed for the murder of a pervert that filmed him having sex…

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 22, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Mondo Balordo (1964)

After a big spoon of hippie-dippy bullshit (set to some pseudo-Vic Damone crooning) that attempts to rationalize the horrors we will doubtfully soon witness, Mondo Balordo gets underway… … and in less than five minutes we get handicapped, and possibly deranged, people busking, a man that can inflate his stomach to asinine degrees, and sex with a midget prostitute… fuck me (but not like our little person harlot), this is going to be a bumpy ride… oh, and Boris Karloff of all people is mixed up in this too… Moving on we get a thick stew of Hercules flick stock-footage, exercises to reinvigorate the tiddies of ol’ biddies, strip shows, light S&M, female rasslin’ … and so much, much more. Also a blonde-haired Buddy Holly clone sings some song that is an unholy combination of ’50’s rock mixed with the manic energy of Guitar Wolf set to images of native peoples dancing to god knows what… honestly, that was my

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 11, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Beyond the Door (1974)

Five minutes into Beyond the Door you get narration from ol’ Satan himself, Jesus with tits n’ bush, a basic premise that manages to combine The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby, a funk song about the devil (which the musicians are told isn’t as good as their fap sessions), and a kid drinking mother fuckin’ Campbell’s soup straight from the mother fuckin’ can like a mother fuckin’ boss. I feel like “5 skulling” this bad bitch right here and now, but there is so very, very much more… Anyhow, Jessica (Juliet Mills) and her music producer beau Robert (Gabriele Lavia)… a man that loves reading about fish fucking and whom the children lovingly refer to as “asshole”… have found themselves with a new baby on the way, even though Jess is on the pill. Speaking of that finicky fetus, it’s growing at an accelerated rate and Jess is lossing her ever-lovin’ mind in various and sundry violent ways! Meanwhile that soup

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 28, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Evil River (2018)

Emma (Margherita Remotti), a right genius on the subject of witches and female suppression, arrives from America in Italy to investigate the story of a herbalist named Shanda (Marcella Braga) who got herself a case of the murders when she tried to stop a plague back in Ye Olden Times… that’s fuckin’ gratitude for your ass, eh boils n’ ghouls? So Emma, along with local guide Giulia (Claudia Marasca), and journalist Daniel (Diego Runco) begin the trek to Shanda’s ol’ stompin’ grounds… well they try anyway, as Emma keeps dreaming they are murdered and then the day begins again like a ghoulish Groundhog Day scenario! Will Emma be able to end her lunatic loop ans solve the ancient mystery or will she just continue to die a bit each day… you know, like we all do as we go about our normal daily routines… So what’s positive in the land of Evil River? Well, for one, the story (provided here

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Mar 4, 2020
Next →