Ten Horror Films Actually In Need Of A Remake

June 28, 2017

Written by Capt McNeely

Georgia Division ZADF Twitter: @ZADF_ORG

The list of really good to near-perfect horror flicks that have been given the remake treatment in the last two decades is staggering, and doesn’t appear to be slowing down any time soon. ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’, ‘The Fog’, ‘Halloween’, ‘Fright Night’, and so many others have been remade, reworked, or rebooted for a modern audience, nearly always resulting in a film inferior to the original. This abhorrent trend must stop, I say! Here are ten far-from-perfect movies that, unlike the aforementioned examples, could actually use a solid remake.
‘Ghoulies’ (1985) – One subgenre of horror sorely missing these days is the “small creature” movie. With the ‘Gremlins’, ‘Critters’, ‘Munchies’, and ‘Ghoulies’ series of films, creepy little creatures were everywhere in the 1980s and early 1990s. While ‘Gremlins’ is a masterpiece, and ‘Critters’ is really good, aside from cool creature design and an excellent poster that terrified many an eighties kid in the video store, ‘Ghoulies’ is pretty terrible, but in a great way. Young horror fans need their own dose of this type of quality stupidity. Keep the creatures and dumb comedy, just update the effects, add some z-list celebrities as goblin fodder, make sure one of them comes out of a toilet, and you’ve got yourself some seriously silly fun. Oh, and the weird, unexplained clown has to make an appearance. That’s the only thing in the original that’s even remotely unnerving.

‘Clownhouse’ (1989) – While we’re on the subject of weird clowns, Victor Salva’s 1989 circus-themed spookshow could use an update. The original isn’t the worst thing on the planet, and the clowns are fairly creepy, but the tame film doesn’t live up to the excellent premise. Aside from upping the scares and violence, another way the film could be improved upon is by having a version that isn’t an excuse for a predatory director to film young boys in their underwear. Director Victor Salva was convicted of sexually abusing lead actor Nathan Winters during production, making the film virtually unwatchable today without it leaving the viewer creeped out in all the wrong ways.
‘Jaws 3’ (1983) – Oh boy – this dumb thing. The third installment in the saga of this, uh, family, I guess, of killer sharks had such a cool premise: gigantic, pissed-off shark terrorizes Sea World. Awesome. As a child, i thought it was passable, but make no mistake, folks; this is a shitty movie. Those godawful 3-D effects don’t help a bit, either. However, with a big budget and good mixture of CGI and practical effects, this mess could be reborn as the greatest rampaging shark movie in the annals of cinematic history. It could even end with a Jaws vs. Shamu showdown!
‘The Mad Doctor of Blood Island’ (1968) – Complete crap. Even remade, it will likely be complete crap. I just think that awesome title needs to be brought into the 21st century. Make sure it’s filled with blood and gratuitous nudity, and it’ll be fine. Other acceptable remakes in this category are ‘Terror Creatures from the Grave’, ‘The Undertaker and His Pals’, and ‘The Eerie Midnight Horror Show’.

Verdun Manor
‘Verdun Manor’ (1991 or ’92) – This one is going have have all but about ten of you scratching your heads. Haunted Verdun Manor, the main attraction of the Thrillvania haunt park in Terrell, Texas was my Disneyland as a kid. It’s a massive two-story “mansion” filled to the brim with all manner of terrifying monsters and ghouls, both classic, gothic staples (werewolves, vampires and ghosts), and modern maniacs (zombies, mutants, Leatherface, etc.). It’s an incredibly detailed experience, lovingly crafted by late haunt-maestro Lance Pope and crew. In the early 1990s, a film crew struck a deal with the haunters to make a movie on the grounds. It was a terrible experience, the two parties had a falling out, and rumor has it the film was released somewhere overseas, though ‘Verdun Manor’ has never seen the light of day in the United States. Well kids, I’ve seen it, and as you’ve probably guessed, it sucks. I’d like to see a period-piece monster movie focusing on the fictitious backstory of the haunt, which tells the tale of German immigrant/werewolf/alchemist Baron Michael Verdun and his vampire bride, Lady Cassandra. Anybody else? No? No one? Moving on, then.
‘Vampirella’ (1996) – Directed by creator of decent schlock Jim Wynorski, starring the gorgeous Talisa Soto in the title role, and executive produced by Roger Corman, you may be forgiven for assuming this adaptation of the long-running comic book to be a fun, campy film. Alas, this was released in the latter half of the 1990s, when everything was terrible, so you’d be wrong. Dead wrong. With laughable CGI (even by 90s standards), cheap sets, wooden acting, and Roger Daltry as “Vlad” (bleh!), this doesn’t remotely approach the quality of the worst Vampirella comics, let alone a remotely watchable movie. Even the mighty Angus Scrimm couldn’t save this wretched dump of a film. As for improvements in the remake, well that’s easy. Just put Gal Gadot, Megan Fox, or Mila Kunis in that outfit, and film them doing anything for a couple of hours. It’d be like printing money.

‘Werewolves on Wheels’ (1971) – Though the original isn’t terrible if you enjoy trippy, early-1970s biker lunacy, imagine this reimagined as a gritty, grindhouse-style Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez co-production, or a completely insane Rob Zombie flick, starring Bill Moseley, Danny Trejo, and Tyler Mane as lycanthropy-afflicted one-percenters. Either way, we all know the soundtracks to both films would be flawless.
‘Scarecrows’ (1988) – Both 1981’s ‘Dark Night of the Scarecrow’ and the 1995 supernatural horror ‘Night of the Scarecrow’ were pretty good entries into the “killer scarecrows” subgenre, and for that matter, so is 1988’s William Wesley-directed shocker ‘Scarecrows’. Though all three flew somewhat under the radar of the general public, I feel that the 1988 film is the least remembered, and most in need of a remake. There hasn’t been a good scarecrow movie in ages, and since Hollywood is all about the remake, why not this one?

‘The Dunwich Horror’ (1970) – Less psychedelia, more New England gloom. Hire Guillermo del Toro to direct, and Stuart Gordon to hang around the set all day. Add S.T. Joshi as an on-set consultant, and maybe this go-round we’d get something much more Lovecraftian.

‘Hellraiser’ (1987) – Alright everyone, hear me out. Stop screaming and throwing things, please. Yes, the original was fantastic. All I’m saying is, it could be improved by updated practical effects, and a bigger budget. Of course, Clive Barker would have to write and be in the director’s chair, and Doug Bradley must return as Pinhead. Obviously. I’m aware a remake has been in the works for over a decade, but it appears to be dead in its tracks. Please don’t tear my soul apart.


You May Also Like…