Blu-ray Review: the VelociPastor (2018)

September 15, 2019

Written by DanXIII

Daniel XIII; the result of an arcane ritual involving a King Diamond album, a box of Count Chocula, and a copy of Swank magazine, is a screenwriter, actor, artist, and reviewer of fright flicks…Who hates ya baby?

After losing his parents in a car explosion (represented by text that an effect should be present, but isn’t), a priest named Doug (Gregory James Cohan) travels to China (via car), where he gets poked by a talon held by a dying woman.

Once home, out hero begins turning into a dinosaur, and avenges his parent’s death… and because there is literally fifty minutes left to go after that, he teams up with a hooker named Carol (Alyssa Kempinski) and fights a ninja crime syndicate. Based on true events.

Look, I’m not gonna beat around the bush, or any other part of the female anatomy… I absolutely loved the ever-lovin’ fuck out of VelociPastor. Writer/Director Brendan Steere has delivered an intentionally campy, over-the-top love letter to grindhouse cinema with all of the gore and insanity you’d expect, and then some… but what may catch you cats n’ creeps by sinister surprise is that Steere delivers some gorgeous shots among the lunacy… in other wicked words he gets his arthaus peanut butter all up in his grindhaus chocolate at times, and you know that shit is demonically delicious!

Beyond the obvious talents of it’s creator, a shit-ton (an actually measurement of pro fright flick reviewers such as yours cruelly) of credit has to go to the amazingly game performers on display, with Cohan and Kempinski making for charming leads that go full bore into the nuttiness with aplomb, but the supporting cast is excellent as well, with Jesse Turits, as Sam the white Ninja, being a real stand-out with his scenery chewing performance!

Along with all of the entertainment VelociPastor packs into it’s seventy minute run-time, Wild Eye Releasing have thrown some beastly bonus content on this Blu-ray as well to sweeten the putrid pot. Included are: a hilarious audio commentary featuring Steere, Cohan, and Producer Brandon Taylor, Q&A sessions from a duo of theatrical showings of the film, and a gag reel.

To sum it up; VelociPastor is blood drenched freaky fun of the highest order, and I defy you to resist the misadventures of this prehistoric preacher!

 

 

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