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DanXIII

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Movie Review: Goodbye Uncle Tom (1971) – Blue Underground 4K

Goodbye Uncle Tom, the subject of today’s revoltin’ review, is brought to us by the demented documentarians Gualtiero Jacopetti and Franco Prosperi… the men behind legendary Italian doc Mondo Cane, who just so happened to have faced accusations of racisim after 1966’s Africa Addio (which detailed the continent’s decolonization). What did the duo do to set the record straight? Make a Mondo documentary all about slavery in America… I’m sure absolutely nothing will go wrong here… In a move as baffling as it is jaw-dropping, Jacopetti and Prosperi seemingly travel back in time and arrive on a Southern Plantation via helicopter after we hear a little history lesson on race relations in the U.S. (and a piece on hippies because it gets more naked bodies on screen)… don’t worry, it gets weirder, more wrong, and absolutely unhinged… Once there they are treated to a fancy dinner in their honor, during which we see (and hear) historical figures espouse their feelings

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DanXIII

Apr 27, 2024

IndieMoviesReviewsThriller

Movie Review: Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker (1981) – Severin 4K/Blu-ray combo

High school senior Billy (Jimmy McNichol) has been raised by his Aunt Cheryl (an absolutely dynamite Susan Tyrrell, Angel and it’s sequel Avenging Angel) since the death of his parents in an automobile accident… and let me just say, that particular incident is portrayed as some Final Destination-level shit, and with each passing frame the tragedy becomes side-splitting comedy as the film engages in the largest example of overkill you are ever likely to see! Any how Cheryl is psychotically possessive of Billy-boy… actually she’s just plain psychotic… and horny, an award-losing combination that results in her stabbing (and killing) a television repairman, Phil Brody (Caskey Swaim) by name, who refuses her amorous advances. Her excuse was that he was attempting to sexually assault her… a huge-ass lie that is soon proven to be absolute bullshit by the revelation that Brody was a homosexual. That particular factoid is uncovered by hard-ass bigot/extreme homophobe Detective Joe Carlson (Bo Svenson, Walking Tall,

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DanXIII

Apr 27, 2024

IndieMoviesParanormalReviews

Movie Review: Cathy’s Curse (1977) – Severin 4K/Blu-ray combo

Years past, a man and his daughter experience a fatal auto accident after the man’s wife hauled ass with the couple’s son George. It is then that we get down to the meat n’ poutine of Eddy Matalon’s Canadian-lensed supernatural shocker Cathy’s Curse, as a grown-ass George (Alan Scarfe) returns to the family home with his wife, Vivian (Beverly Murray and her awesome eyes) and daughter Cathy (Randi Allen in her only film role), after Viv suffers a nervous breakdown. Offering assistance are handyman Paul (Roy Witham, who appears to be one highball away from starring in a Mick Fleetwood biopic) and maid Mary (Dorothy Davis)… and the family will need it as Cathy begins acting downright strange after finding a creepy doll in the domicile’s attic. To wit; Cathy begins to show signs that she is possessed by the spirit of George’s deceased sister… like making naked statues explode, controlling objects through telekinesis, making animals do her bidding, killing

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DanXIII

Apr 25, 2024

ForeignMoviesReviewsTrailers

Movie Review: The Devil’s Honey (1986) – Severin 4K/Blu-ray combo

Our gal pal Jessica (Blanca Marsillach) spends her days getting’ her bean flicked courtesy of her saxophone player boyfriend Johnny’s (Stefano Madia) horny horn playing within the walls of his recording studio, as is the way. Meanwhile, hot-shit surgeon Dr. Wendell Simpson (Return of the Fly’s Brett Halsey) is stuck in a right shit of a marriage with his wife, Carol (Corinne Cléry, Yor: The Hunter from the Future, Moonraker)… a marriage that sees the dashing doc getting’ it on with prostitutes a-plenty, which shockingly drives Carol away. How do these incidents intertwine you may (or may not) ask? Well, after Johnny dies on Simpson’s operating table after a motorcycle accident near the Doc’s domicile, Jessica decides to take a stroll down Revenge Road and begins harassing Simpson like it’s her fuckin’ job… and soon she has the doctor chained up in her deceased beau’s majestic mansion! Will vigilante justice be sexually served, or does lust have other plans for

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DanXIII

Apr 23, 2024

ForeignMoviesReviews

Movie Review: The Great Alligator (1979) – Severin 4K/Blu-ray combo

Hot-shit photog Daniel (Claudio Cassinelli, who you may recall was Zeus in Luigi (Starcrash) Cozzi’s mid-’80s Hercules pictures, but was also in The Island of the Fishmen from this film’s director, Sergio (2019: After the Fall of New York) Martino) is hired by a resort mogul (Mel Ferrer, Umberto Lenzi’s Nightmare City) to snap publicity pics to advertise his new jungle-set, disco-tastic vacay hot spot, Paradise House, along with his model/muse Sheena (Geneve Hutton). Once there, he meets anthropologist Alice (Barbara Bach, also from The Island of the Fishmen, but perhaps best known for her turns in 1977’s James Bond flick The Spy Who Loved Me, and 1981’s prehistoric romp, Caveman, co-staring her hubs Ringo Starr) who fills our main man Dan in on the deets concerning the Kuma tribe, the indigenous people of the region who are paid in American blue jeans to huck dynamite at trees to clear land for further expansion… oh and their god is able

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DanXIII

Apr 20, 2024

MoviesReviews

Movie Review: Lisa Frankenstein (2024) – Universal Blu-ray

Like most teens at the ass-end of the eerie ‘80’s, Lisa Swallows (Kathryn Newton) is adjusting to life with a new stepmother… the obnoxious and self-obsessed Janet (a delightfully over-the-top Carla Gugino)… and stepsister, the cheery, popular Taffy (Liza Soberano)… a family she has been blended into lickety-fuckin’-split because her Dad got rather horny pretty much directly after mother was hacked to pieces by an axe-wielding psycho practically in front of her… As those of a certain age well and truly know, was often the way in those days… So yeah… new family, dead mom, fuckin’ sucks… and while Taffy does her level-headed best to invite Lisa into her world, our heroine would rather spend her time in the local cemetery… the same one she ends up in after a disastrous party experience makes her wish she could be with the dead-as-a-doornail Victorian gent who’s grave she plops down next to… and while she simply wished to be deceased, a

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DanXIII

Apr 19, 2024

AdaptationBooksMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Carrie (2013) – Scream Factory 4K/Blu-ray combo

Remember back in 2013 when there was a new cinematic version of Stephen King’s Carrie released to theaters? Well, I sure forgot it… hell, I’ve never even seen it! Anyway, those fine fiends at Scream Factory were kind enough to fling a copy of their new 4K/Blu-ray combo release of that very title my way, so let’s dig in! Poor Carrie White (Chloe Grace Moretz); she’s decidedly the most unpopular kid at her New England High School, and things go from bad to really fucking bad after she freaks out in school about her first period… not like a class, her menstrual cycle… because, and get this, teens can be mean as shit. Things aren’t much better at home, as her religious wing-nut of a mother, Margaret (Julianne Moore, routinely abuses the hell out of her in the name of Jesus feeling everything Carrie does is a sin. If she thought a period is a sin, wait until Mags gets

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DanXIII

Apr 13, 2024

ForeignHistoryMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Night of the Blood Monster (1970) – Blue Underground 4k/Blu-ray combo

It’s the 1600’s and things are looking rather shitty for local witches ‘round ol’ London-town thanks to Judge Jeffreys (the legendary Sir Christopher Lee (who has appeared in so many things, I’m just going to do this) who hates them as much as he does rebels against the King… which is to say a lot. I mean sure he’s still willing to fuck the witches (this is a Jess Franco film after all), but he’s just as willing to burn them alive (doubly so if they fail to put out). His presence makes life truly a pain in the ass for young Harry Selton (Hans Haas Jr.), a rebel engaged to a witch named Mary (Franco regular Maria Rohm, Marquis de Sade’s Justine, Venus in Furs to name a few), and when they are incarcerated the Joltin’ Judge may face a full-on revolution! Brimming with a large number of costumed extras, battle sequences, and some ornate sets, it’s obvious that

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DanXIII

Apr 9, 2024

ForeignMoviesReviews

Movie Review: The Abandoned (2006) – Unearthed Films Blu-ray

Russia, 1966: a lady, who has been fatally wounded, drives pell-mell onto a farmers property where she up and croaks… but the jeep she hauled ass in contains two other, very much alive, passengers… twin infants… Before you can say “What the fuck?” we flash forward 40 years and California-based film producer Marie Jones (Anastasia Hille, The Awakening) travels to Russia to seek answers about her true family after growing up with adoptive parents. Of course Marie is one of those twins mentioned up yonder, and soon she schleps her way to her ancestral home; a secluded, severely dilapidated, haunted-looking as all fuck, arcane abode which is home to a soggy, ghost version of Marie that appears from time to time. After some horror biz, our heroine discovers her long-lost brother Nicolai (Karel Roden, Hellboy, Orphan) has also made the scene, and together they begin to piece together the mystery of their past while dealing with the ghost versions of

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DanXIII

Apr 6, 2024

ForeignIndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Spider Labyrinth (1989) – Severin 4K/Blu-ray combo

Professor Alan Whitmore (Roland Wybenga) is sent to Budapest by the cadre of totally not up to no-good folks that funded the top secret Intextus project (which involves the interconnection of all religions or some such jazz), to check on a colleague who has not turned in his data on time. Said colleague appears to have gone completely insane, but it doesn’t matter much as he’s soon found hanging by his neck by spider webs… which turns a fact hunting trip into a murder investigation… a fucking real hum-dinger of one in fact… The longer Whitmore stays in town, the more sinister things become with dire warnings being delivered left and right, near constant mood setting thunderstorms… oh yeah, and the continuing murders… that’s some truly sinister shit. But all of that pales in comparison with the downright preternatural insanity that awaits as our hero continues the amateur sleuth biz! Will Whitmore solve the murderous, monstrous mystery, or will he

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DanXIII

Apr 6, 2024

DanXIII

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