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Severin

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Blu-ray Review: Carnival Magic (1983)

Roll up! Roll up! Ye olde flea-pit dirt carnival has rolled into town and is sure to delight only the most desperate of audiences! Attendance notwithstanding this shitty show is kinda doomed anyway as the two “main attractions”, animal battering hot-head tiger trainer Kirk Wylder (Joe Cirillo) and sullen magician Markov (Don Stewart) are butting heads like some mountain goat mother fuckers. While Kirk’s primary talent is being a world-class drunken ass, Markov the Magnificent on the other hand has the ability to mentally communicate with animals, including his hyper-intelligent, super-horny, car driving talking chimp sidekick (and ass grabbing personal trainer) Alexander the Great… for fuck’s sake… oh, and he gives some expert relationship advice on the side… naturally. Anyway, Markov’s act is soon the total shit yo, and is attracting throngs of local-yokels who have doubtless had only such riveting entertainment as “wart counting” and “hog-tickling” as their primary sources of diversion judging by how crazy they go for

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DanXIII

Apr 25, 2020

Comic Books/Graphic NovelsMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: When the Wind Blows (1986)

Although When the Wind Blows opens with a rousing ditty by none other than David Bowie himself, you can forget any tight-trouser magic dancin’ from this lil’ nuclear number… Geezers James (John Mills) and Hilda spend their old days doin’ old people shit in their cozy abode in the British countryside. What kind of old people shit you may ask? Why reading the newspaper, listening to the radio… hey, speaking of this mass media, James decides he should pick up some pamphlets regarding how to save one’s ass when the nukes come raining down as the international outlook is looking rather cloudy… mushroom cloudy, as that aforementioned media let’s us know! After reading those loony leaflets, James goes about following all of the patently ridiculous plans detailed within and ends up fuckin’ up their house but good. Long story short, the bombs fall, the advice was right shit, and our heroes realize surviving may have been quite the elephant sized

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DanXIII

Apr 24, 2020

IndieMoviesParanormalReviews

Blu-ray Review: The Astrologer (1977)

After a nutty exposition dump set to stock footage where we learn The Astrologer, Alexi (Bob Byrd), a mystic who uses astrology and computers to predict the future and advise world leaders from his swanky headquarters along with the top-secret branch of the CIA; Interzod. So what exciting case is Alexi involved in at the present? Well, it seems in ten days time, the second coming of Christ is going down, so there’s that to contend with, plus Alexi’s girlfriend (maybe it’s his wife… I have no idea, and perhaps the film doesn’t either) Kate (Monica Tidwell) goes to see a psychic that gives her a reading (seems fucking redundant as all fuckity fuck seeing as who her boyfriend is and all)… after Kate gets nude first; as is the fortune telling way we are all accustomed to, amirite? Soon ol’ Alexi hops a wall-to-wall carpeted airplane to give a talk somewhere or another, while in stock-footage laden India, a

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DanXIII

Mar 14, 2020

ForeignMoviesReviewsTrailers

Blu-ray Review: Night of Open Sex (1983)

Moira (Lina Romay) spends her time whorin’ it up and flickin’ her bean on stage… oh and torturing a woman with a curling iron to the (heavily) bearded clam to extract information regarding a stash of gold belonging to a dying Nazi general (Albino Graziani) for her sleazy boyfriend Vic (Miguel Aristu)… as any girl does. Anyhow, that Nazi gold plot comes back here and there, but the real focus here is on showcasing a ton of drum solo scored sex, including extended masturbation scenes with Moira front and center (often gyratin’ away as that all time family favorite tune “The Taste of Your Sperm” rocks n’ rolls it’s way into our hearts and trousers). Eventually gold or some shit… sex! Filled to the bouncin’ boobie brim with baffling choices you simply won’t believe, Jess Franco has really outdone himself with Night of Open Sex… a film that includes Nazis, Gregorian monk chant style music playing over steamy lesbian sex,

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DanXIII

Feb 23, 2020

ForeignMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Cries of Pleasure (1983)

A body is found floating in a pool as mute simpleton Fenul (Juan Cózar… who also serves as our narrator, lack of speech be damned) strums his gee-tar. Thus begins another loose as a goose adaptation of the writings of pervert par excellence the Marquis De Sade as seen through the leering lens of exploitation maestro Jess Franco. Anyway, Fenul’s job seems to actually be fiddling with his instrument within the walls of his employer, the playboy Antonio’s (Robert Foster) lush mountaintop villa. Speaking of Ant, this mother fucker lives to screw… everyone from his maid (whom he raped as a child, and now is desperately in love with him… yeah… ), to his houseguest Julia (Franco muse Lina Romay) gets the ol’ peen… and to top it off, he’s married to mega-rich Martina (Rocío Freixas), who just got sprung from the loony bin. Insanity, dirty dealings (Antonio plans on pleasuring his wife to death and absconding with her loot),

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DanXIII

Feb 22, 2020

ForeignMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Viy (1967)

At the end of a day of extreme assing around, young monk Khoma (Leonid Kuravlyov) gets lost on his way back to the monastery and seeks shelter at the abode of an outrageously old crone. After being lodged in the barn and acting like a prize-winning douche, the crone, in truth a witch, takes our hero for a flight around the Russian countryside and gets severely beaten by the mad monk for her troubles… she also turns hot A.F. A short time later, Khoma is summoned to a Cossack’s home to stand vigil over his daughter as per her dying wish… and just guess who that daughter is? I’ll just tell ya before you lot answer something like “yellow” or “gorilla”… it’s the witch (still in her babe form). So the long and the short of it is, Khoma must watch over the witch’s coffin for three days… which would be hella easy if not for the fact that she

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DanXIII

Dec 23, 2019

IndieMoviesParanormalReviews

Blu-ray Review: The Peanut Butter Solution (1985)

Mike (Mathew Mackay); junior soccer star, son to a attic-dwelling painter, and object of derision to his robe-wearin’ sister… also, friend to winos, as the children oft are. Anyway, speaking of those winos, they get burned to death in a fire, you know because that’s fun for the whole family! Long story long, Mikey goes to the scene of the immolation looking foe survivors and gets the ever-loving shit scared out of him… which causes all of his hair to fall out (no bald cap here, my dude Mackay actually shaved his head for this flick),a nd for him to lose his damn mind. To solve the prob, his sis and pops super glue a wig to his head… which of course gets as much accomplished as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest (and let me just say, when Mike’s mom gets back from her sojurn in Australia she will doubtless be hella fuckin’ pissed)… but thankfully

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DanXIII

Dec 22, 2019

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak (1984)

Gwendoline (Tawny Kitaen) ships herself to China in a wooden box, and is immediately kidnapped upon her arrival to the Far East. Thankfully for her, rough and tumble sailin’ man Willard (Brent Huff) comes to her rescue and takes up the task of helping our heroine locate the butterfly her butterfly (that’s a lot of “butterfly” in one sentence… oh, shit… ) collector father went missing in the mythic land of the Yik Yak trying to find… for a fee of course. Along the way our erstwhile heroes must contend with river pirates, cannibals, poisonous clouds, and a tribe of Amazons that live in a hi-tech mine deep below the Earth… a serious ordeal all for a simple butterfly! Want to know something that exemplifies the surreal nature of The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak? The film has an easy-listenin’ synth score (totally inappropriate given it’s early 1930’s setting) that plays no matter the sitch…

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DanXIII

Nov 23, 2019

MoviesReviewsThriller

Blu-ray Review: The Boys Next Door (1985)

Psychopath-in-training Roy (Maxwell Caulfield) and his naive buddy Bo (Charlie Sheen) are recently graduated high school outcasts (they were the white trash in an institution populated by the rich). Not really keen on becoming factory workers just yet, the boys take an impromptu vacay down L.A. way. So what do two young boys do for fun? Why cause grave bodily harm to a gas station attendant, old lady, and some bodacious babes in barely there bikinis of course, as one does. But all of that is just the precursor to a night of extreme violence and dark, dark times. Hilarity does not fuckin’ ensue. Holy hell, how have I never slapped my putrid peepers on this flick before?!! Full of nihilism, violence, and explosive teenage rage The Boys Next Door is a downright mother fuckin’ masterpiece! Why does it work so well? Let me tell ya… seriously, I kinda have to, it’s my job here… anyway, let me tell ya,

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DanXIII

Nov 23, 2019

ForeignMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Werewolf in a Girl’s Dormitory (1961)

Along with new teacher Dr. Julian Olcott (Carl Schell)’s arrival at a school for delinquent girls comes a rash of werewolf related violence. Could our hero be the hairy-scary giving these troubled teens so much static? As the attacks continue we are introduced to a host of possible suspects, as well as a blackmail plot involving a lil’ of the ol’ teacher/student hanky as well as the panky. How do these elements relate to each other and will the werewolves reign of terror be stopped before the student body is used as a chew toy? The biggest problem with Werewolf in a Girl’s Dormitory is the title itself. Now, there is a girl’s dormitory for sure, and also a werewolf… but you know damn well that title suggests all manner of sexy-time adventures peppered with some good ol’ blood draining at the teeth and claws of a fur covered maniac… but this isn’t that picture. Rather we get a moody,

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DanXIII

Nov 14, 2019

Severin

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