Movie Review Kepler’s Dream is Not Nightmare Fuel, But It’s Charming

November 24, 2017

Written by DanXIII

Daniel XIII; the result of an arcane ritual involving a King Diamond album, a box of Count Chocula, and a copy of Swank magazine, is a screenwriter, director, producer, actor, artist, and reviewer of fright flicks…Who hates ya baby?


Hey, ol’ Danny XIII can be as sensitive as the next creep or ghoul, at least that’s what I tell myself when I try and figure out why I would be sent a sentimental family flick (with a dash of the ‘whodunit’ sprinkled on top) to feast my putrid peepers upon. Regardless, sent the film I was, so revoltin’ review I’ll do!
Eleven year old Ella is sent to live with her grandmother (whom she has never met) on a ranch in New Mexico after her mother gets cancer (and her Father is too busy working to properly care for her). While at the ranch she befriends ranch hand Miguel and his daughter Rosie…she also gets to help solve the mystery of who pinched a book from her bibliophile Nana’s collection of  moldie-oldie tomes (in this case a book that holds sentimental value due to it’s connection to Elle’s dead grandfather). As the search continues on, the body count rises as a van of nubile coeds arrive at the ranch, and dear ol’ gramps rises from the grave with vengeance in his still beating heart! Breasts are exposed with wild abandon and the blood falls like rain…can you survive the heart stopping terror of Kepler’s Dream?!! Okay, maybe that last bit there (and the sentence before it) doesn’t actually happen (nor does anything even remotely resembling horror or even suspense)…but dammit, I’m going to finish this review come hell or high water.
So, what is good about Kepler’s Dream? Well, it’s charming, schmaltzy (in all of the right ways), and well shot and acted (the young leads especially give it their all). It’s also a pretty solid coming of age tale, and the light mystery elements give it a unique spin.
On the negative side…it isn’t a God damned horror flick (and I know, it isn’t supposed to be), and that is my stock and trade, so I’m confused…I mean more confused than usual…
So, if you don’t like (or don’t want to watch a horror film), and love heart warming family films, then Kepler’s Dream is your flick!
I’m not even sure how to rate this…my whole damn shtick is giving these film’s freakin’ skull ratings…if I had like a pony graphic or something I guess I’d give it three ponies and a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper…take that for what it’s worth…


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