Movie Review: Apocalypse Rising (2018)

August 28, 2018

Written by DanXIII

Daniel XIII; the result of an arcane ritual involving a King Diamond album, a box of Count Chocula, and a copy of Swank magazine, is a screenwriter, director, producer, actor, artist, and reviewer of fright flicks…Who hates ya baby?

Apocalypse Rising is the type of film that gives you; people running around in togas, zombie mutants, U.F.O.s, over-the-top machismo, and a spaceship that looks like a giant cock…balls and all…within the first five mother fuckin’ minutes of it’s run time. I hope the rest of the film lives up to this splendor boils n’ ghouls…
Anyway the rest goes like this; a ragtag group of Space Bible lovers head out to the stars to avoid some such bullshit (but it involves fucking, that’s for sure), and while in stasis they have crazy ass visions of Jesus being born as a demon while zombies turn Mary and Joseph into the shambling dead…so far so good. Moving on, our heroes find a new world, immediately dress like they should be travellin’ Fury Road to the Ren Faire, and before you can say Cannon Film’s Masters of the Universe, they find themselves on Earth in the modern age, where they join a group of archaeologists looking for ancient artifacts (and also where two of the group start getting it on as a “hallelujah” chorus plays). As time goes on we get: evil nuns, gallons of spraying blood, more sex, telepathic abilities (including mind reading, and knowing when people are DTF), the Dead Sea draining itself, a severed head magically opening a secret passage, more zombies, and…and…you know what, you’ll just have to see for your damn selves!
Apocalypse Rising is one hell of a train wreck; the story jumps around and seems to be comprised of the musings of a lunatic, the acting and CG effects are dodgy as all hell, and there are times when it seems the film makers agonized over the minutiae of the world they were building, yet couldn’t be bothered to slap a coat of concealer over the Heath Ledger Joker tattoo of one of the main actors…an actor portraying an alien from another planet no less. But…
For all of it’s technical gaffes and bone headed pseudo-spirituality; this is one hell of a fantastic watch. you get so much great shit thrown at you that the film becomes irresistible! I mean just re-read that description above; zombies, U.F.O.s, gore…the only thing missing is rampant nudity (despite the constant sex…though there is a titanic zombie penis, so yeah…) which would ensure this things place in the annals of off-kilter, psychotronic cinema!
Bottom line; I truly believe the film makers of Apocalypse Rising, as well as the cast, had their hearts in the right place, and truly aimed to please…and they do; technical and storytelling shortcomings be damned. I would say check this one out, especially if you enjoy picking your jaw up off the floor every ten minutes or so!



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