Movie Review: Satanic Panic (2019) – Dan XIII’s take!

September 3, 2019

Written by DanXIII

Daniel XIII; the result of an arcane ritual involving a King Diamond album, a box of Count Chocula, and a copy of Swank magazine, is a screenwriter, actor, artist, and reviewer of fright flicks…Who hates ya baby?

Something evil is afoot in the town our heroine Sam (Hayley Griffith… who our own ever-awesome Kelli interviewed right here) delivers pizza in. Sure, there’s the expected weirdo shit-birds one would expect a person to encounter deliverin’ picture perfect pies at all hours, but there’s also somethin’ a bit different; namely a high class group of Satanists led by the comely witch bitch Danica (Rebecca Romijn) that is just aching to include our gal in all manner of sacrificial deviltry after a late night delivery.

Soon Sam is up to her pepperoni and extra cheese in diabolical demons and monstrous magic, and it’ll take every ounce of her wits to keep her life and soul intact during this hellish night of horrors… and hilarity…

You see cats n’ creeps, ol’ Satanic Panic, for all that the sinister synopsis up yonder would lead you to believe otherwise, is a rather hilarious comedy, with some well done horror overtones… especially some well done practical gore!

Of course the ol’ red sauce being tossed about will only get you so far without folks you care about being in danger of  ex-sanguination. Thankfully director Chelsea Stardust (working from screenplay by Grady Hendrix and story courtesy of Mohawk and We Are Still Here‘s Ted Geoghegan) presents some great performances from the actors chosen to inhabit the characters she has to work with, with Griffith making for a spirited lead that is fun as hell (pun always intended) to go along with on this joltin’ journey, and Romjin plays a deliciously ultra-evil villain (and she seems like she’s having a great time doing it too) that you’ll love to hate!

As great as all that is, the one thing Satanic Panic doesn’t do is take itself seriously… and that may be the best thing about the movie of all! As the story unfolds we quickly learn anything can and does go in this universe including scribing runes in magic marker on your friend as she vomits gallons of ick, blood hungry monster pot roasts, and of course that perennial family fav handed down for generations; the killdo…

Look my creeps, Satanic Panic has it going on; it’s genuinely funny, over-the-top, and filled with plenty of great effects… all equal a great time in the ol’ horror biz if ya ask yours cruelly!




For another (equally positive) take on Satanic Panic be sure to check out the wicked words of our fearsome founder, the aforementioned Kelli, right here!

You May Also Like…