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DanXIII

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Movie Review: Goran (2016)

Pity poor Goran (Franjo Dijak); all he wants to do is drink (a lot), drive his cab in the tiny isolated snow bound Croatian village he calls home, and hang out in a cabin with his BFF (Goran Bogdan) gettin’ his soak on…but unfortunately, his non-stop nag of a blind wife, Lina (Natasa Janjic) makes that increasingly difficult. Things carry on as usual until Lina announces she is pregnant, which goes over like a fart in a submarine for our hero, as he believes the child may not actually be his, but rather his sauna sittin’ pal mentioned previous. Well push comes to shove (literally) with disastrous results, and after a chemically enhanced Birthday party things get completely out of hand (read: incredibly violent and oh so very, very wrong)! Goran plays out like a relationship/family drama for nearly forty out of it’s eighty two minutes of run time (with credits), but then things go so incredibly south so incredibly

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DanXIII

May 4, 2018

IndieMovies

Movie Review: Selfie From Hell (2018)

When pro-vlogger Julia (Meelah Adams) arrives in the states from Germany to visit her cousin Hannah (Alyson Walker) she brings a few things along for the trip…like the ability to cry sideways, and a strange shadowy figure that haunts her selfies, oh, and let’s not forget the ability to send text messages without using her god damned phone because she’s seemingly possessed, and also some sort of infection (that one is reasonable at least)…seriously; I’d ask this bitch to leave about 2 millifarts (it’s a real measurement…and it’s mega short believe me…I’m a reviewer, I know things…) after she walked across my threshold. Anyway, Hannah is a better person than your’s cruelly and instead plays nursemaid to her sickly/haunted cuz…while also launching into a full on Nancy Drew to search all of the deep (web), dark (net) online secrets Julia is keeping…mainly that she got involved in some seriously F’d up crap on a part of the internet none should

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DanXIII

May 2, 2018

Holiday HorrorMovies

Short Film Review: My Monster (2018)

It’s always a good day here in the Crypt O’ XIII when I get to slap my putrid peepers on a new film from Izzy Lee (creator of one of my favorite short fright flicks of all time; Innsmouth), so let’s take a look at her new picture; My Monster! My Monster tells the Yuletide-set tale of Lily (Brea Grant) and her well-meaning lunkhead of a partner Rob (Adam Egypt Mortimer) who must contend with the fact that our heroine is having some seriously disturbing visions…namely of a figure calling to her from outside of her window each night. Well come to find out, this is no mere apparition, rather it is a creature from another dimension who has arrived on our plane of existence with a sinister purpose, that once fulfilled leads to delightfully absurd results! Filled with great paradigm shifting story elements, a cool, practically realized monster, a strong cast, and an unexpected sense of fun; My Monster

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DanXIII

May 1, 2018

IndieMovies

Blu-ray Review: Robot Wars (1993)

In the year 2041, the the United States is divided into two opposing blocs, the North Hemi and the Eastern Alliance. Now these two aren’t exactly bosom buddies, but they both really hate the pirates known as Centros who go around causing all manner of havoc. Can anyone stand in their way? Why yes, yes they can (because if the answer was “no” this would have been a very short film…)…two anyone’s in fact; a rogue mega-robot pilot (Don Michael Paul) and his pal Stumpy (James Staley…who, in a real humdinger of a twist has all of his appendages) who discover that dignitaries from the EA are out to steal the aforementioned scorpion shaped mechanical marvel (the last of it’s kind…or is it?). Anyway those evil bastards succeed, but our heroes…along with plucky archaeologist Leda (the legendary Barbara Crampton) discover a hidden mega-robot (this one humanoid in apperance)…which of course leads to a nice bout of robot asskickery! Simply put;

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DanXIII

Apr 29, 2018

IndieMovies

Movie Review: Evolution of Evil (2017)

After a truly impressive opening of a car winding through secluded mountain roads viewed from above (think Kubrick, but doubtless shot utilizing a drone for a mere fraction of the cost of a helicopter…but damn does it look great), the story proper of Evolution of Evil gets underway; to wit: a young couple (maybe they are just friends…damned if I could tell), named Christopher and Lori for those of you keeping score at home, treks out to the middle of nowhere to get away from it all, and everything is artisanal beer and bratwurst until the silence of the night is split by distant gunshots. Well the following morning things go from pleasant to poopy as Chris is abducted (I know, right?!!) by some seriously fucked up woodsmen and subjected to all manner of rape and abuse (again, right?!!). Meanwhile Lori wanders the woods in a daze before being picked up by one of our batshit antagonists. What follows is

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DanXIII

Apr 27, 2018

IndieMoviesParanormal

Movie Review: The Grave Caller (2017)

A young writer named Sam Talbot (Nathaniel Grauwelman) and his wife Veronica (Vanessa Cuccia) head out to a cabin in the sticks where he hopes to learn a lil’ somethin’ about the family tree…or the dark roots from which it grew. Finding his uncle’s diary, Sam learns that his alcoholic ancestor (Jacob Crickenberger) went a bit screwy after he witnessed his wife murdered by a psycho in a bunny mask (I loved this visual by the by)…or did he…I don’t really know, and neither will you (which is a plus if you ask me). Anyway, how will the sins of the past effect the present? I’m not telling…and I’m not even sure if I could! On the plus side, there are some beautiful visuals on display here (in particular in the surreal dream sequences), and the acting (in particular from Vanessa Cuccia as Veronica, and Jacob Crickenberger as the beleaguered Samuel were real stand outs) is mostly solid… The Grave

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DanXIII

Apr 26, 2018

MoviesStreaming TV

Movie Review: Downrange (2018)

A group of young friends are travelling down a deserted road when they suffer a tire blow out. Things play out mundane A.F. until suddenly members of our gregarious gang start ending up well ventilated courtesy of bullets exploding through their skulls via a hidden sniper. Now the day has gone from sunny to shitty, will any of the friends survive the afternoon, and just who the hell is shooting at them and why? Directed by Ryûhei Kitamura (Godzilla: Final Wars, Versus), Downrange is a tight, simply told piece of suspense cinema that not only looks great, but backs plenty of grizzly gore (and I do mean plenty) into it’s ninety minute run time. There’s also a really cool piece of synth score that kicks in around thirty five minute mark that would be right at home in any random ’80’s slasher flick. On the flip side, though everyone does a great job in their respective roles, I didn’t know

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DanXIII

Apr 26, 2018

IndieMovies

Movie Review: At Granny’s House (2015)

When Marion (Glenda Morgan Brown) has one “senior moment” too many, her son saddles her with a smoke show of a caregiver named Rebecca (Rachel Alig). This puts a bunch in Marion’s Depends, but she soon gets over it and her and Rebecca hit it off…and before long ol’ Becky has convinced our old ass friend to turn a room in her home into a sort of AirBnB for weary travelers. This would be all well and good, except Rachel is a Grade-A murder machine that offs any guest that displays sassitude…and she’s so damn good at it Marion doesn’t have a clue…though from what we learn from her son Marion would be apt to answer a banana and eat a phone. Things get more complicated when a married couple take up residence in the room…and by “complicated” I mean Rebecca convinces the husband, Ted (writer/director Les Mahoney) to kill his wife and become her partner in crime. Of course

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DanXIII

Apr 20, 2018

MoviesReviews

DVD Review: Followers (2017)

Two amazingly perfect social media fitness-centric “celebrities” head out into the deep woods for a lil’ R&R (which they plan to record every minute of…which is a needed conceit seeing as how this is a found footage fright flick and all). But there is more to this yarn, as two online documentary film makers who want to prove how easy it is to track someone on social media and find them no matter where they are, follow our couple into those aforementioned woods…but just what do they plan on doing to them once they are found? While on the surface Followers may not appear to be the most original horror picture you could ever see (especially blending found footage and stalk n’ slay elements), but it has some clever use of social media elements (including a Facetime cold open murder to start things off), and Actors Amanda Delaney and Justin Maina as our comely protagonists do a really solid job

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DanXIII

Apr 19, 2018

MoviesParanormal

Movie Review: Gehenna: Where Death Lives (2016)

A real estate development firm plans on opening up one of your fancy-ass 5 star resorts on a beautiful island in the Pacific Ocean, but as fate (and the fright flick rulebook) would have it things aren’t going to go smoothly with that lil’ bit of business. While most of the property is gorgeous A.F., there just so happens to be an abandoned WWII bunker on the property. Flying in the face of common sense, the firm’s agent and their island guides head on in to map out this foreboding structure…and guess what? The entire area is cursed for all time, our protagonists become trapped within and an ancient evil must be faced! As always, let’s take a look at what works with Gehenna: Where Death Lives. First up, the locations and environments are utilized well, with the natural beauty of Saipan (the island where the film was lensed) contrasting nicely with the claustrophobic confines of the sets used to

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DanXIII

Apr 18, 2018

DanXIII

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