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DanXIII

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Movie Review: Cute Little Buggers is a Campy Sci-Fi Bloodbath!

Cute Little Buggers begins as any great culturally relevant piece of art would; namely with horny fish aliens (with British accents) flying down to Earth in their U.F.O. in an attempt to impregnate any human female they can possibly get their hands…err, flippers…fins…whatever…on. To achieve this they splice alien D.N.A. into the local rabbit population which causes them to become ultra violent mutant killing machines…you know something, is it possible to fall in love with a film…like real, human love…because I think that is happening to me right this very second… Moving on, we have the tale of a prodigal son returning to his bucolic hometown and rekindling a lost love as townsfolk begin being brutally slaughtered by those laceratin’ lepus. It basically becomes an all out fight for survival as the bunnies begin chewin’ folks a new asshole (and I mean that literally). First things first, Cute Little Buggers is a flick with it’s tongue very firmly in it’s

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DanXIII

Jan 18, 2018

Movies

Movie Review: A Creepy Cornucopia of Sinister Shorts!

In a remote snowed in cabin, a family lives in turmoil. The patriarch of the clan is an alcoholic abusive sumbitch, his wife has been cowed into quivering complacency, and his son…well beside being a human punching bag, is seriously infatuated with lions. In a night packed fat with violent news broadcasts and cheap beer, our antagonist is visited by an impossible (an impossibly violent) four legged visitor that proceeds to set right that which is wrong. At twelve minutes (well ten minutes plus credits); Lion is a tight lil’ fright flick, with a very unique spin on the ‘tormented child calls upon seemingly supernatural revenge’ trope. Well shot and acted, with strong visual effects for the titular beast, and a great sense of taut violence waiting to explode at a moments notice the film packs a real punch. The only negative I had with this was the usage of some ultra-dodgy CG to realize the exterior shots of the

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DanXIII

Jan 17, 2018

IndieMovies

Movie Review: 10/31 is an Arcane Anthology Well Worth Your Time!

Anthologies are all the rage in the fright flick biz these days…or they were at one point…it doesn’t really matter because I’m taking a look at one today, and then I’m gonna tell you if it’s hit or shit with my normal award losing candor…so yeah…10/31!! 10/31 begins with some trick or treaters parkin’ their ass in front of the boob tube (and in this case that term is apt because they are watching bosomy horror hostess Malvolia’s horror marathon) where they view the various and sundry terror tales…like the one that leads off this affair; The Old Hag! Hag concerns the trials and tribulations of two dudes aiming to film a promo video for an old mansion that’s been turned into a dead…err bed and breakfast. Well, lo and behold, one of our heroes keeps seeing visions of a gnarly ol’ bat…the same demonic dame that the locals say was a murder machine way back when. Things of course

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DanXIII

Jan 16, 2018

Movies

Movie Review: Cannibal Farm is A Tasty Treat For Horror Hounds!

Look here creeps and ghouls, ol’ XIII knows it’s wrong to judge a book (or fright flick) by it’s cover, but come the F on. That’s Leatherface, and I don’t care what you call this film, I’m willin’ to bet demons to donuts that this is the biggest Texas Chainsaw Massacre rip off that’s ever come down the putrid pike. All I can say is stick around to see if your’s cruelly’s instincts are as sharp as usual… Cannibal Farm concerns a bickering British family who heads out on a road trip to a remote rural location (ahh…so it’s The Hills Have Eyes European Tour…my mistake…and before you even start your crap, yes I know Hills was partially based on a real European cannibal clan). Along the way they run into a cider/lemonade salesman (this guy is worth the price of admission alone, trust me…and he gets plenty of screen time as he is more than he appears) before settling

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DanXIII

Jan 12, 2018

DocumentariesIndieMoviesParanormal

Movie Review: The Devil’s Well is Well Worth Dipping Into!

The Devil’s Well concerns the misadventures of a husband and wife paranormal investigation team that arrive in a small town to investigate a hotspot called The Devil’s Well (‘natch). Well the wife of the duo, Karla, goes missing, and the chief suspect is of course her husband Bryan is suspecto numero uno (I’m a cunning linguist my fiends). Presented in documentary format (with a nice variety of interviews, camera footage, news reports etc.), we get to learn all the facts of the case including that the victim’s family was morally opposed to Karla’s work with the supernatural. Soon we learn that the well, located in a basement of all places, is a rumored portal to hell with a long and sordid past, and our heroes begin an investigation which leads to Karla’s disappearance. Flash forward a year, and a new party, including Bryan, return to the arcane abode to attempt to find ol’ Karla…and of course they find so much

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DanXIII

Dec 30, 2017

Movies

Movie Review: The Cat O’ Nine Tails Gives Giallo Fans Something to Purr About!

Blind crossword puzzle author (is that what people who create those things are even called???) Franco (Karl Malden, proving he walked the streets of Rome before those of San Francisco) is taking a stroll one night with his young niece Lori (Cinzia De Carolis) when he overhears a plan to blackmail a scientist who works at a top secret genetic institute…well, not too top secret if they are blabbing about it right out in the damn street and all…oh, and there’s a robbery in there somewhere as well. Anyway Franco eventually teams up with a journalist by the name of Carlo (everyone’s favorite ‘not-quite-Charlton Heston’ James Franciscus) to solve the case, but there ends up being a metric shit-ton of the ol’ murder biz about, so these two dudes are most likely in way over their heads… Admittedly, I’ve never been a fan of the giallo genre; they’ve always played out more like a typical murder mystery with a human

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DanXIII

Dec 28, 2017

IndieMoviesParanormal

Movie Review: Desolation Will Make Sure Your Terror Is Televised!

Desolation begins with a woman dousing herself in alcohol and lighting herself ablaze in front of a rolling camera…talk about your all over hot foot, eh fiends?!! We then switch gears to focus on sad sack hotel worker Katie (Dominik García-Lorido) who soon begins hanging out with movie star Jay ( Brock Kelly) who’s in town to film some sort of movie or some such shit. Anyway, he’s unhappy being a star, she’s unhappy just being Katie, and the two funsters become chummy (a.k.a. they take the express train to Bone Town). Long story short; Jay brings Katie to Hell A. where she begins trading her memories for fortune and fame, and finds herself just a step away from the edge of a fall…you could say caught between heaven and hell even (where’s the girl I knew 15 minutes ago?). Before long, Katie begins seeing ghostly visions within the confines of Jay’s nearly deserted (and creepy A.F.) apartment building, and

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DanXIII

Dec 27, 2017

IndieMoviesParanormal

Movie Review: House of Salem is a Demonic Dwelling Worth Visiting!

A young dude is put to bed by his smoke show of a babysitter and proceeds to have a series of nightmarish visions that resemble The Wicker Man if it was directed by Clive Barker…most likely because he ditches his meds before takin’ the one way express to nighty-night junction…or so it seems. Then some punks dressed as clowns kidnap the lad (who’s name is Josh), and so House of Salem begins proper. While the story begins with what seems like a simple kidnapping, things soon are revealed to be so much more, as our gang of big top hoodlums find they were duped into kidnapping young Josh by some sinister satanists who want to orchestrate a revoltin’ ritual involving that hoary ol’ chestnut; human sacrifice within the walls of the safe house (a home with a storied history of Satanic shenanigans). Before you know it, our hooligan heroes are up to their arses in hellish goings-on that they are

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DanXIII

Dec 24, 2017

IndieMovies

Movie Review: Sasq-watch is Worth Layin’ Your Eerie Eyeballs On!

Sasq-watch concerns the half-ass adventures of two brothers; Nigel and Oscar (played by Paul Brittain and Adam Herschman respectively), who have made it their mission in life to collect a huge bounty offered by the family of a deceased Bigfoot hunter before the reward is discontinued. After missing their scheduled guided tour, they hook up with a new guide named Sampson (Neil Flynn as your typical backwoods dude with little patience for idiots…which is unfortunate because he is swimming in them), and Jamie (Christine Bently), the sister of their dead LARPing frenemy who’s forced to go on the trip by her father for reasons. Oh, and don’t forget Claus (Tim Meadows), a rival Bigfoot hunter with a past with the brothers. Sasq-watch has a real charm about it (a phrase I may have never written in any review before…), and while it isn’t always completely over-the-top side splittingly high-larious (though admittedly it often is), it really aims to please, and

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DanXIII

Dec 23, 2017

IndieMovies

Movie Review: Skybound Should Remain Permanently Grounded

If you don’t have the time to read my review of Skybound, let me some it up for you in one sentence: “I have had it with these mother f**kin’ pretty people on this shitty CG mother f**kin’ plane!” There, use that as your pull quote; I dare you! Anyway, what is Skybound all about? Well, rich s.o.b. Matt takes his gal Lisa, along with the improbably named Odin (expect some real knee-slappery with this dolt) on his private jet to travel across country to take in a Vin Diesel movie (the words are starting to escape me). As the group treks on they have a few unexpected guests; Matt’s brother Kyle and a weird stowaway. Anyway, a bizarre phenomena on the ground results in the plane having to stay airborne…but the colliding planes make the sky just as dangerous. What will become of our heroes? What is the secret of the stowaway? How far into the eighty minute (including

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DanXIII

Dec 22, 2017

DanXIII

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