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DanXIII

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Movie Review Kepler’s Dream is Not Nightmare Fuel, But It’s Charming

Hey, ol’ Danny XIII can be as sensitive as the next creep or ghoul, at least that’s what I tell myself when I try and figure out why I would be sent a sentimental family flick (with a dash of the ‘whodunit’ sprinkled on top) to feast my putrid peepers upon. Regardless, sent the film I was, so revoltin’ review I’ll do! Eleven year old Ella is sent to live with her grandmother (whom she has never met) on a ranch in New Mexico after her mother gets cancer (and her Father is too busy working to properly care for her). While at the ranch she befriends ranch hand Miguel and his daughter Rosie…she also gets to help solve the mystery of who pinched a book from her bibliophile Nana’s collection of moldie-oldie tomes (in this case a book that holds sentimental value due to it’s connection to Elle’s dead grandfather). As the search continues on, the body count rises

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DanXIII

Nov 24, 2017

MoviesReviews

Movie Review: Down/The Lift Are the Best Killer Elevator Flicks You Will See (This Week)

When the elevators in the Millennium Building in ol Manhattan Towne begin to malfunction (and by malfunction, I mean go completely ape shit and murder everyone in sight), elevator repairman Mark and plucky journalist Jennifer are off and running to solve the mystery (with little help from the police assigned to the case). So what could be causing this strange “mechanical failure”? Well, let’s just say that the elevators have a life of their own thanks to some experimental technology, and before long the entire building is quarantined by the U.S. Government as the body count grows to absolutely ludicrous proportions. Much Aerosmith and bloodletting ensue. Good lord, Down is one delirious fright flick! It’s absolutely packed to the rafters with gloriously gory set pieces, a creepy cornucopia of genre veteran cameos (Michael Ironside, Ron Perlman, Dan Hedaya, Edward Herrmann), dodgy New Yawk accents, and a heaping helping of good ol’ cheese the likes of which hasn’t been seen on

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DanXIII

Nov 22, 2017

MoviesReviews

Movie Review: The Old Dark House is One Place Worth Visiting

There isn’t anything quite like the cinematic comfort food feeling of wrapping your eyeballs up in a good ol’ Universal Pictures classic fright flick, and baby let me tell ya, they don’t come as classic as James Whale’s 1932 ghouls n’ giggles shocker The Old Dark House! The story for The Old Dark House concerns a sall group of rain soaked travelers seeking refuge from the deluge in…you guessed it, an old dark house! At said house they are greeted by a scared, mumbling man servant named Morgan (a heavily made up Boris Karloff) who allows them entry where they encounter the effete Horace Femm and his partially deaf sister Rebecca…two whirlwinds of off-kilter eccentricity that eventually allow our heroes to stay…but is that better than facing the storm? I’m going to go with a rock solid “no”, as the manse is chock-a-block with moldy-oldie family secrets that become a real problem after Morgan gets blotto and releases Saul Femm…a

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DanXIII

Nov 21, 2017

MoviesReviews

Movie Review: Talon Falls Falls Short of Being a Slasher Classic

A group of attractive folks head out on the road to a rural locale and are murdered one by one. What am I watching? Wrong Turn? The Hills Have Eyes? Nah, we both know it’s the new fright flick Talon Falls (unless you can’t read…wait, if you can’t read how did you get this far?!!)…an exercise in torture porn tedium! And were off to the races… So, yeah…teens, road, hick town…you get the drift. So what is the unique Mcguffin here? Why how about the fact that once in town the gang of goofs decide to attend the local haunted attraction full of grizzly exhibits that seem a touch too real. Before you can say The Houses October Built (1 and 2), our heroes are systematically bound, gagged, and eliminated by a gang of hulking psychos. Who will survive, and what will be left of them and all that… Well, let’s try and find something nice to say about Talon

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DanXIII

Nov 20, 2017

MoviesReviews

Movie Review: Lilith’s Hell is a Devilishly Good Found Footage Flick

Two words for ya: found footage. All right, who’s still with me…hmm, a lot less of you then before that’s for damn sure. Now while the genre definitely is showing signs of fatigue, I for one think there are new and creative (or at the bare bones minimum “entertaining”) things you can do with the formula…let’s see if the maker’s of today’s review Lilith’s Hell managed to work any magic with the ol’ hoary chestnut… Three film makin’ pals traverse the countryside just outside of Rome to arrive at a remote house with the goal of making an artsy fartsy fright flick. After the arrival of Michelle, the lead actress of their piece, and her make-up artist, events begin going supernaturally south with alarming speed, as things begin to go bump (and moan) in the night. Our gang investigates with the end result of Michelle becoming the Devil’s concubine and playing host to a demonic entity that begins tearing into

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DanXIII

Nov 19, 2017

MoviesReviews

Movie Review: Other Halves is Half a Good Flick

Peep this shizz oh grizzly ghouls; Other Halves tells the story of a revolutionary new dating app…an app that matches folks automatically based on your online history…good lord, how many people would be matched up with midgets on horses? Just me? Fuuuuu…. Anyway, we are introduced to our scrappy group of young programmers who are charged with sorting out a few teeny, tiny, bugs in the software before launch…you know, bugs that have users turning into unbelievably horny murder machines…no biggie. On the upside, the story is fast paced, there’s some blood and naked flesh thrown about (male and female for a change), and the satirical elements of the story (including jabs at social media, apps, and horror tropes) manages to be effective without being overly “wink wink”. Also of note is the effective use of location as the film takes place inside the offices of the tech start up working on the app. Does this belie the film’s low

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DanXIII

Nov 13, 2017

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Be My Cat: A Film for Anne Will Scratch Your Found Footage Itch

Do you like found footage flicks? How about Anne Hathaway? I just know you answered “yes” to those, so let me tell ya my creeps, the picture I’n going to look at should really float your ol’ beastly boat as it definitely gets the FF chocolate dipped well in good in that Annie peanut butter…wait, that sounds off…anyway; review! Be My Cat: A Film for Anne tells the story, via a series of video diaries, of an enthusiastic young film maker named Adrian who gets it in his nutty noggin that he can score Anne Hathaway to star in his pending motion picture. In order to convince her, he shoots some footage of a few local thespians performing what he wants Anne to do in the finished picture. Well, as you would guess, it’s just ninety minutes of comely young ladies reading sides on camera…the end. Oh, wait, there’s chloroform, ropes, knives, and a plan to change the world by

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DanXIII

Nov 12, 2017

MoviesReviews

Movie Review: Watch Over Us is a Demonic Flick You’ll Want to Possess

Watch Over Us opens with the thrill-a-minute action of a bald dude getting turned down for various jobs (he sucks at online dating too because I know you were wondering about that). As heart-stoppingly exciting as that is, we must move on…and we do, as our chrome-domed hero returns home (a dwelling that actually belongs to his invalid father) to eat dinner with his daughters…a dinner that is interrupted by otherworldly sounds and mini-tremors…an event we learn happens frequently. Anyway, the sinister shenanigans continue, but ol’ Daddy Nobucks refuses to move his ever freaked out girls the hell out in a shocking (and probably prosecutable given what’s to follow) case of bad parenting. Before long, the family calls in a priest to investigate the old barn on the property that appears to be the source of the disturbance and a family satanic secret is revealed! Watch Over Us is a real surprise of a fright flick. Utilizing minimalist effects, a

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DanXIII

Nov 2, 2017

MoviesReviews

Movie Review: Bunnyman Vengeance is an Exercise in Tedium

Have you ever seen a horror picture so sublime in narrative and execution that it becomes almost a spiritual experience to watch it? Well, Bunnyman Vengeance is not that picture. The long and short of the story goes as follows: serial killer Michael (the Bunnyman in question…and in no way a Leatherface surrogate), returns to his home to find his family (who bear no relation to any individuals hailing from Texas) running a haunted attraction that attempts to capitalize on his infamous murder spree. Things go along swimmingly with folks getting slaughtered left and right, but before you know it, the fearsome family is at each other’s throats. That sounds simple and straightforward enough, right? Oh my fiends you are so very, very wrong… So let’s start by saying somethin’ nice about Bunnyman Vengeance. Aesthetically, the film has a ton on the beastly ball. It’s well shot, incredibly artsy for the type of picture it is, contains some really arresting

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DanXIII

Oct 30, 2017

MoviesReviews

Movie Review: Cold Moon is a Deft Blend of Southern Gothic and Slasher

What could go wrong here I ask ya: Young Margaret goes riding pell mell on her bicycle all around the small Southern town she calls home. Her grandmother (who I will get back to the deeper we go into this revoltin’ review) begins to engage in a near cataclysmic level of frettin’ which lets us know that things are going to take a turn for the lousy AF with utmost quickness. Not convinced enough? How about that foreboding wind and rain that suddenly roll on in? Or how about that murder machine of a man (who drives a hearse because ‘subtle’ is his middle name) that chucks Margaret of a bridge after strangling her. Well, I guess that last one is more like the actual deed than any sort of foreshadowing, but you know what I mean… Anyway, Margaret’s body is fished out of the water and we learn she was knocked up six ways to Sunday when she met

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DanXIII

Oct 29, 2017

DanXIII

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