Author

DanXIII

1,300 stories

Blu-ray Review: Castle of the Creeping Flesh (1968)

Ever-horny Baron Brack (Michel Lemoine), he of the atrocious dubbing and wild hootenannies, leads a group of revelers to the ornate, though dilapidated, home of Count Graf Saxon (Howard Vernon) to continue the party-hardy fracas. What does Saxon think of the swingin’ sumbitches who have invited themselves in? He seems to give not a single fuck… rather, he does the Chatty Cathy bag and fills the gang in on his family history and the fate of his daughter who was recently (like an hour ago) raped and killed in the nearby woods. I’m sure he has no plans for all of the sexy ladies that have fallen into his lap… Naturally he does have a plan… a batshit crazy one too, involving resurrecting his daughter with all of his new found female flesh! Oh, and a bear is involved as is so often the case… If Castle of the Creeping Flesh is anything it’s atmospheric. The sets utilized to bring

Continue reading →

DanXIII

Feb 21, 2021

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: I Need You Dead! (2020)

Down Schmucksville way, a gaggle of young punks (some literally) are rippin’ shit up at a local house party. One said punk is the Lou Reed-lookin’ mother fucker known as Dood (Estevan Muñoz, who it has to be said is funny, relatable, and all-around top shelf in his role), who makes the scene, gets his palm read, and gets blasted on gummy bears laced with some of those good ol’ Made in the USA drugs that are all the rage with milk maids between the ages of 27 and 36… and are guaran-fuckin-teed to get your arcane ass “dummy high”. Anyway, after some hallucinogenic hullaballoo, our high hero encounters a toothsome tumor that crawls from a sewer grate and straight into… well, into a plush Mogwai… but after he’s done fuckin’ that thing six ways to Sunday, the creature (performed to gravely voiced perfection by Ty Anderson) becomes a kind of life coach for our Dood… sort of… I mean,

Continue reading →

DanXIII

Feb 21, 2021

ForeignMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Shogun’s Joy of Torture (1968)

Presented as an anthology piece, 1968’s Shogun’s Joy of Torture is comprised of three torture tales that I’ll dive into directly! Story one concerns Shinza; a working man who takes a log to the head, and thanks to this being ye olden days where health insurance was as non-existent, winds up shit out of luck and unable to get that shit looked at properly. Enter: Shinza’s sis Mitsu, a loverly lass who tries to appeal to Shinza’s boss, Mino, for a lil’ financial assistance and gets raped for her trouble. As if that didn’t put us square in the “family fun zone”, Shinza is also hot n’ horny for his sister (a decidedly different “family fun zone”), which that ass-hat Mino finds out about and begins a game to make Mitsu eternally his. Okay, story numero deuce should be a bit more cheery… Young nun Reiho arrives at a convent located right next door to a monastery… seriously, what’s the

Continue reading →

DanXIII

Feb 21, 2021

ForeignMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Crazy Samurai 400 vs 1 (2020)

Legendary samurai swordsman Musashi (Tak Sakaguchi of Versus and Battlefield Baseball fame) is all hot and bothered to put the murder on the head of a rival clan… but it turns out the newly elected leader is all of nine years old. Musashi gives that the loudest “fuck it” of all time and kills the tyke with zero hesitation. This causes hundreds upon hundreds of samurai warriors to descend upon Musashi and begin a fight sequence that lasts seventy-seven minutes… and is presented in a single take. And that is the entirety of the plot. How well Crazy Samurai works for you will be your willingness to commit to that conceit, as it’s all sword fighting and nothin’ else for an incredibly long time, and while that may seem like a gimmick… and Satan knows it truly fuckin’ is… it’s damn impressive nevertheless. Gone is the hyper-kinetic, comic book style violence you may expect, and in it’s place we get

Continue reading →

DanXIII

Feb 20, 2021

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Bad Girls (2021)

Those eponymous Bad Girls, Val (Morgan Shaley Renew), Mitzi (Senethia Dresch), and Carolyn (Shelby Lois Guinn) by name, are (metaphorically) balls deep in one hell of an orgy of sex and violence as they rob and fuck their way on a roadtrip down Mexico way and sweet, sweet freedom. Along the way, our anti-heroines kidnap some rock stars, Bard Gainsworth (Cleveland Langdale) of Christmas Tits and Zerox Rhodesia (Micah Peroulis) of Poltergasm to be precise, which adds to the “sex” quotient mentioned up yonder, not to mention adding fistfuls of drugs (including theta from co-writer/director Christopher Bickel’s 2017 flick The Theta Girl)… so yeah, this turns into a complete psychotronic experience right fuckin’ quick! Will Val and the gals make it through this ballet of bullets (and the occasional knife), boobs, and bloodshed intact? Yeah, like I’d really tell you that… Because you cats n’ creeps dig on comparisons, let’s go with: Bad Girls is like the end result of

Continue reading →

DanXIII

Feb 20, 2021

MoviesReviewsThriller

Movie Review: Death Trip (2021)

Kelly (Kelly Kay) has two things on her mind; nightmares and a pending party at a secluded locale owned by her pal Garrett’s (Garrett Johnson). I’ll bet demons to diamonds those two ingredients will be mixed together right quick! Ridin’ shotgun for the affair are Tatyana (Tatyana Olal) and Melina (Melina Trimarchi), and soon the whole gaggle o’ girls are downing Molson (this flick was created in the Great White North, eh?), smokin’ weed, and bitching about who’ll have to sleep in the room that served as Garett’s grand-pappy’s deathbed. Speaking of “death”, our heroes also encounter Megan (Zoe Slobodzian), the underwear enthusiast next-door neighbor who’s father may have put the murder biz on her mommy dearest back in the day. With all that talk of goin’ tits up does it come as any surprise that the arcane abode they find themselves in appears to be haunted… but is it, is it really? With Death Trip, director James Watts and

Continue reading →

DanXIII

Feb 16, 2021

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Psycho Goreman (2020)

Everyone has been flappin’ their lascivious lips about what a great dive into the ol’ (decidedly comedic) horror biz Psycho Goreman is, so I had to set my eerie eyeballs upon it and give it the once over as only yours cruelly can… for better or for worse, your mileage may vary! After assing around in the backyard, siblings Mimi (Nita-Josee Hanna) and Luke (Owen Myre) unearth a strange jewel that is, in fact, a control module for an intergalactic murder machine (also buried in the backyard). That’s when the ultimate evil in the galaxy, newly christened Psycho Goreman (Matthew Ninaber with vocal duties provided by Steven Vlahos), falls under the control of a bossy weirdo girl from the ‘burbs. What follows is a wicked whirlwind of insanely over-the-top violent mayhem as ‘ol PG has to deal with both the children that are making his life a living hell, as well as every intergalactic shit-kicker that beams down to terra

Continue reading →

DanXIII

Feb 15, 2021

IndieMoviesParanormalReviews

Movie Review: Curse of the Blind Dead (2020)

Back in the darkest of Dark Ages, a gaggle of Knights Templar oversee a gnarly birth and attempt to perform one of those morally dicey post-partum abortions… but the local pitchfork toting mob but the kibosh on the lady, the baby, and finally the knights themselves via a good ol’ burning at the stake (after blinding them of course… that’ll be important later if the title of this fright flick didn’t clue ya in)! Flash forward to a rather rugged post-apocalyptic future, and the misadventures of Michael (Aaron Stielstra) and his preggo kid, Lily (Alice Zanini), whom after having their asses saved from some deep woods banditos, find themselves balls deep in the commune of a religious cult. Speaking of said cult; their leaders Kain (Micky Ray Martin) and Abel (Bill Hutchens) are hellbent in reenacting that monstrous monkey biz mentioned up yonder and they need Lily’s lil’ bun in the oven to bring those blind-as-a-bat terror Templars back to

Continue reading →

DanXIII

Feb 13, 2021

IndieMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: A Slaughter in Plague Town (2008)

A bickering family of American tourists decide to stop off in a small Irish village located in a picturesque, verdant landscape. Seems prosaic enough, but as horror movies oft times go; this village has a deep, dark (in this case mutant) based secret that will put that vacay in a serious dovetail right quick! As you may surmise from that sinister synopsis, Plague Town (or A Slaughter in Plague Town) is a fright flick positively dripping with atmosphere. This is nowhere as evident in the locales utilized to bring this terror tale to life; all wicked woods and dark, almost monotone environs. It’s drab, it’s dreary, and it looks exactly like the place you’d run into some good ol’ folk horror madness! Adding to the positives are the lean n’ mean flow of the film delivered by co-writer (along with John Cregan)/director David Gregory keeps things disturbing and moving like a spectral locomotive from hell, so this one never becomes

Continue reading →

DanXIII

Feb 7, 2021

IndieMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: The Attic Expeditions (2001)

Our boy Trevor (Andras Jones) is coolin’ his heels in Ye Olde Insane Asylum after having supposedly murdered his girlfriend. While there he is plagued by nightmares about black magic (and murder ‘natch). Trevor’s doc, Dr. Ek (the legend himself, Jeffrey Combs) is hellbent on plundering all of Trevor’s subconscious secrets and utilize it for his own dark purposes… so things are looking grim as fuck for our hero indeed! What I feel is The Attic Expeditions‘ greatest stumbling block may be what you cats n’ creeps dig the most; namely the fact that the narrative is told from Trevor’s highly suspect perspective, so we never know if the images he sees are fact or just the result of his mental condition… and you cats n’ creeps know if there is something supernatural afoot I like it to be the real deal, no ifs, ands, or buts! Thankfully the film is jam packed with surreal images and some great co-stars

Continue reading →

DanXIII

Feb 7, 2021

DanXIII

More from DanXIII