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DanXIII

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Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Mega Time Squad (2018)

Small time hood John (Anton Tennet) is having a shit run of luck; his (crime) boss Shelton (Jonny Brugh) treats him like turd, and he has to vacate the garage he lives in…and mostly everyone he encounters thinks he’s a bit of a nutless wonder. Aiming to prove them wrong, John and his dim pal Gaz (Arlo Gibson) set out to swipe a bundle o’ cash from a gang of Chinese hoods muscling into Shelton’s territory from the antique shop they use as a drop off. In the process he steals a magic time travelling bracelet (as one does), and when he’s ratted out for stealing from the boss he begins making small leaps through time…and assembling a criminal gang of his own…comprised strictly of time displaced versions of himself (who take on the eponymous moniker Mega Time Squad). Speaking of time, will John be able to foster a romance with Shelton’s sister (Hetty Gaskell-Hahn), avoid the Chinese time demon

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 11, 2019
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Mole People (1956)

After a quick actual science/history lesson we are presented with the unbelievable made-up bullshit mortal men hath named; The Mole People! In “Asia” (by way of some rando California canyon), archaeologists (who’s ranks include Ward Cleaver himself; Hugh Beaumont) are involved in a little soundstage based mountain climbing, a veritable ass-ton of stock footage, and “oh fuck me, when is it ever going to end” spelunking…all of which are pistol-hot to the kids today, before discovering an ornery race of subterranean-dwelling albino Sumerians who keep mole/human hybrids as slaves utilized to harvest their overlord’s primary food source; giant mushrooms (and you thought I was fucking around in that first sentence didn’t ya boils n’ ghouls?). Will our heroes make it back to the surface, or will they meet their end deep under the surface of the Earth? While a bit slow paced at times (especially during the first act), The Mole People is never-the-less an effective tale of high adventure,

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 11, 2019
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Skinner (1993)

Dennis Skinner (Ted Raimi) wades into town (like literally through water…ever hear of a sidewalk chum?) and takes a room in the house of Kerry and Geoff Tate (Ricki Lake and David Warshofsky respectively). Well, Geoff treats Kerry like a shit sandwich and she soon develops a crush on ol’ Skinner…even though he’s weird as balls…and lives up to his name by skinning women and wearing their hides like a Ben Cooper Halloween number, ya dig? Meanwhile, a beautiful and scarred woman named Heidi (Traci Lords) blows into town with a murderous ambition towards Skinner, and an ass-load of drugs as well. How will this sinister scenario play out, and who’ll be left alive and intact at the end of it? Skinner is one hell of a fucked up fright flick! The entire film has an off putting and overly strange vibe (aided by a near comic book style utilization of color and an odd water motif) that is hard

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 10, 2019
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Soldier of War (2018)

Two dipshit kids go frolicking in the woods and uncover a bunker from World War II (as children often do) and end up freeing the zombie soldier inside. Said soldier then proceeds to rip the countryside a new asshole as he goes on one of those “absolutely out of control murder sprees” that are all the rage these days. Enter retirement home resident John Rhys-Davies who Basil Expoisition’s his ass all over the place and fills everybody in on the secrets he holds from he war that may help stop the monster in their midst! Soldier of War, for all of my nonsense above, is actually one entertainin’ fright flick! Coming off a bit like First Blood with a zombie…the slate gray skies, foreboding wooded locales, and our antagonist’s penchant for setting up booby traps for his victims to fall into all bring the Stallone classic (itself a form of pseudo-slasher in my not so humble opinion) to mind, while

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 8, 2019
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Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The House (2016)

During the final days of World War II, two German soldiers traverse the frozen Norwegian countryside with their prisoner of war. These Ratzis soon realize they are lost as balls, seeing as how their compasses are acting crazier than a shit house rat (nope, nothing strange here)…but, thankfully they find an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere to hunker down in. Things seem to be going swell; they can rest, warm-up…maybe shit, shower, and shave…but of course this is a fright flick, so this is merely the calm before the supernatural storm; as this arcane abode has one of those “evil pasts” that the kids are so wild about these days, and before you can say “Haunted Hitler” our “heroes” are in over their heads in supernatural goings-on! Writer/Director Reinert Kiil (Christmas Blood) has delivered something with The House that I can truly say I have never seen in my decades in the horror biz; a “cabin in the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 7, 2019
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Cannibal Club (2018)

Otavio (Tavinho Teixeira) is rich, bitch! My dude lives in a swank crib on a private beach, is the CEO of a private security company…and is a member in good standing in one hell of an elite club…a secret society of hoity-toity types heavily invested in making Brazil (where the film is set) a place devoid of anything other than their ilk. Oh and they eat people. Otavio takes his culinary tastes home with him as well, as he and his wife routinely murder the help…well, not until Gilda (Ana Luiza Rios) fucks them and O-dawg gets his fap on before burying an ax in anyone unfortunate enough to answer their Help Wanted ads…before cooking and eating them. Things go swimmingly until Gilda happens to peep a secret involving the club’s main man, the congressman Borges (Pedro Domingues)…a secret that if told would ruin his plans for re-election, and put the entire club in jeopardy. As you can imagine this

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 7, 2019
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Purgatory Road (2017)

Man-oh-man, did Vincent Kirby (Michael Lebeau) ever make one hell of a shitty decision as a child. You see, ol’ V-man did nothing to stop a female thief from stealing his Dad’s cash, which had the adverse effect of making his Pa do the whole suicide bag. This lead Vincent to become a Catholic priest operating his “ministry” put of a piece of crap van in the rural south along with his brother Michael (Jacob Craig). Of course Father Vincent provides the service of taking Confession, and he pardons every sin…except stealing; anyone who admits to that wrong doing finds themselves in Deadsville courtesy of the rage of that petulant padre! Things go just peachy until a real psycho killer (must resist…Qu’est-ce que c’est…oh damn it) named Mary Francis (Trista Robinson) enters Vincent and Jacob’s lives. She of course digs their whole murder biz, but things soon become frayed between the brothers with Mary’s presence on the scene! Director Mark

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 6, 2019
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: SheBorg (2016)

Dylan (Whitney Duff) and Eddie (Daisy Masterman) are two young anarchists spray painting shit and runnin’ from the fuzz…not exactly the credentials that would lead you to believe they could stand up to a menace from beyond the stars. Speaking of which, when her intergalactic jailers fail to melt her with their caustic barf, the space criminal SheBorg (Emma-Louise Wilson) hightails it to Earth where she takes up residence at a puppy farm and turns the employees, and anyone stupid enough to trespass on the property into members of her canine flesh devouring, cellphone licking, cyborg army. Soon our counter-culture heroines, along with a dunce of a punk rocker named Rik ( Mark Entwistle) attempt to liberate those helpless pups and run afoul of the mechanical minions of that star-born femme fatale. Will they have the skills (or dumb…and I do mean “dumb” luck) necessary to defeat that tin-plated robo-bitch and save the planet…or a small patch of Australia anyway?

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 6, 2019
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Darkness Visible (2019)

Our dude Ronnie (Jaz Deol) is well and truly in the soup my creeps! You see, he has to journey from foggy ol’ London Towne to India due to his mother, Suleka (Seema Biswas), going missing before ending up in a Kolkata hospital. To make matters even worse, Suleka gets herself murderized by an apparent kill kult leaving R-dawg with a big ass mystery on his hands as he tries to piece together why his mother returned to her homeland in the first place…speaking of which, signs begin to point heavily to some dodgy murders that just so happened to stop 28 years in the past…you know, when Suleka and bouncin’ baby Ronnie decided to head dear ol’ Blighty way…and now the murders begin again, Ronnie starts to go off the rails on a crazy train…and there just may be a witch involved; because fuck yeah witches! Darkness Visible, while dealing in familiar horror biz tropes, put’s a unique and

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 6, 2019
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: All the Colors of the Dark (1972)

Jane (Edwige Fenech) is plagued by nightmares. I mean, lose one unborn baby in a horrific car crash and lose your shit why dontcha? Anyway, Jane’s boy toy Richard (George Hilton) is sympathetic, but always away on business so he’s as useless as an asshole with tastebuds, as is her psychiatrist, so she does hwat any sane, rational person would do…she joins a black magic cult at the behest of her new gal pal Mary (Marina Malfatti). Surprisingly group sex and blood consumption lead to a rather shitty path for our heroine, and soon she is at the mercy of the wackiest weirdo in that creepy cult ((Ivan Rassimov); he of the trenchcoat and icy blue eyes…and predilection for murder! Directed by Sergio Martino (The Suspicious Death of a Minor, Screamers, Slave of the Cannibal God…and roughly 4,000 more), All the Colors of the Dark is absolutely packed with suspense and a sense of unease. The viewer is never sure

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 5, 2019

More from DanXIII

Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Mega Time Squad (2018)

Small time hood John (Anton Tennet) is having a shit run of luck; his (crime) boss Shelton (Jonny Brugh) treats him like turd, and he has to vacate the garage he lives in…and mostly everyone he encounters thinks he’s a bit of a nutless wonder. Aiming to prove them wrong, John and his dim pal Gaz (Arlo Gibson) set out to swipe a bundle o’ cash from a gang of Chinese hoods muscling into Shelton’s territory from the antique shop they use as a drop off. In the process he steals a magic time travelling bracelet (as one does), and when he’s ratted out for stealing from the boss he begins making small leaps through time…and assembling a criminal gang of his own…comprised strictly of time displaced versions of himself (who take on the eponymous moniker Mega Time Squad). Speaking of time, will John be able to foster a romance with Shelton’s sister (Hetty Gaskell-Hahn), avoid the Chinese time demon

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 11, 2019
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Mole People (1956)

After a quick actual science/history lesson we are presented with the unbelievable made-up bullshit mortal men hath named; The Mole People! In “Asia” (by way of some rando California canyon), archaeologists (who’s ranks include Ward Cleaver himself; Hugh Beaumont) are involved in a little soundstage based mountain climbing, a veritable ass-ton of stock footage, and “oh fuck me, when is it ever going to end” spelunking…all of which are pistol-hot to the kids today, before discovering an ornery race of subterranean-dwelling albino Sumerians who keep mole/human hybrids as slaves utilized to harvest their overlord’s primary food source; giant mushrooms (and you thought I was fucking around in that first sentence didn’t ya boils n’ ghouls?). Will our heroes make it back to the surface, or will they meet their end deep under the surface of the Earth? While a bit slow paced at times (especially during the first act), The Mole People is never-the-less an effective tale of high adventure,

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 11, 2019
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Skinner (1993)

Dennis Skinner (Ted Raimi) wades into town (like literally through water…ever hear of a sidewalk chum?) and takes a room in the house of Kerry and Geoff Tate (Ricki Lake and David Warshofsky respectively). Well, Geoff treats Kerry like a shit sandwich and she soon develops a crush on ol’ Skinner…even though he’s weird as balls…and lives up to his name by skinning women and wearing their hides like a Ben Cooper Halloween number, ya dig? Meanwhile, a beautiful and scarred woman named Heidi (Traci Lords) blows into town with a murderous ambition towards Skinner, and an ass-load of drugs as well. How will this sinister scenario play out, and who’ll be left alive and intact at the end of it? Skinner is one hell of a fucked up fright flick! The entire film has an off putting and overly strange vibe (aided by a near comic book style utilization of color and an odd water motif) that is hard

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 10, 2019
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Soldier of War (2018)

Two dipshit kids go frolicking in the woods and uncover a bunker from World War II (as children often do) and end up freeing the zombie soldier inside. Said soldier then proceeds to rip the countryside a new asshole as he goes on one of those “absolutely out of control murder sprees” that are all the rage these days. Enter retirement home resident John Rhys-Davies who Basil Expoisition’s his ass all over the place and fills everybody in on the secrets he holds from he war that may help stop the monster in their midst! Soldier of War, for all of my nonsense above, is actually one entertainin’ fright flick! Coming off a bit like First Blood with a zombie…the slate gray skies, foreboding wooded locales, and our antagonist’s penchant for setting up booby traps for his victims to fall into all bring the Stallone classic (itself a form of pseudo-slasher in my not so humble opinion) to mind, while

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 8, 2019
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The House (2016)

During the final days of World War II, two German soldiers traverse the frozen Norwegian countryside with their prisoner of war. These Ratzis soon realize they are lost as balls, seeing as how their compasses are acting crazier than a shit house rat (nope, nothing strange here)…but, thankfully they find an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere to hunker down in. Things seem to be going swell; they can rest, warm-up…maybe shit, shower, and shave…but of course this is a fright flick, so this is merely the calm before the supernatural storm; as this arcane abode has one of those “evil pasts” that the kids are so wild about these days, and before you can say “Haunted Hitler” our “heroes” are in over their heads in supernatural goings-on! Writer/Director Reinert Kiil (Christmas Blood) has delivered something with The House that I can truly say I have never seen in my decades in the horror biz; a “cabin in the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 7, 2019
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Cannibal Club (2018)

Otavio (Tavinho Teixeira) is rich, bitch! My dude lives in a swank crib on a private beach, is the CEO of a private security company…and is a member in good standing in one hell of an elite club…a secret society of hoity-toity types heavily invested in making Brazil (where the film is set) a place devoid of anything other than their ilk. Oh and they eat people. Otavio takes his culinary tastes home with him as well, as he and his wife routinely murder the help…well, not until Gilda (Ana Luiza Rios) fucks them and O-dawg gets his fap on before burying an ax in anyone unfortunate enough to answer their Help Wanted ads…before cooking and eating them. Things go swimmingly until Gilda happens to peep a secret involving the club’s main man, the congressman Borges (Pedro Domingues)…a secret that if told would ruin his plans for re-election, and put the entire club in jeopardy. As you can imagine this

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 7, 2019
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Purgatory Road (2017)

Man-oh-man, did Vincent Kirby (Michael Lebeau) ever make one hell of a shitty decision as a child. You see, ol’ V-man did nothing to stop a female thief from stealing his Dad’s cash, which had the adverse effect of making his Pa do the whole suicide bag. This lead Vincent to become a Catholic priest operating his “ministry” put of a piece of crap van in the rural south along with his brother Michael (Jacob Craig). Of course Father Vincent provides the service of taking Confession, and he pardons every sin…except stealing; anyone who admits to that wrong doing finds themselves in Deadsville courtesy of the rage of that petulant padre! Things go just peachy until a real psycho killer (must resist…Qu’est-ce que c’est…oh damn it) named Mary Francis (Trista Robinson) enters Vincent and Jacob’s lives. She of course digs their whole murder biz, but things soon become frayed between the brothers with Mary’s presence on the scene! Director Mark

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 6, 2019
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: SheBorg (2016)

Dylan (Whitney Duff) and Eddie (Daisy Masterman) are two young anarchists spray painting shit and runnin’ from the fuzz…not exactly the credentials that would lead you to believe they could stand up to a menace from beyond the stars. Speaking of which, when her intergalactic jailers fail to melt her with their caustic barf, the space criminal SheBorg (Emma-Louise Wilson) hightails it to Earth where she takes up residence at a puppy farm and turns the employees, and anyone stupid enough to trespass on the property into members of her canine flesh devouring, cellphone licking, cyborg army. Soon our counter-culture heroines, along with a dunce of a punk rocker named Rik ( Mark Entwistle) attempt to liberate those helpless pups and run afoul of the mechanical minions of that star-born femme fatale. Will they have the skills (or dumb…and I do mean “dumb” luck) necessary to defeat that tin-plated robo-bitch and save the planet…or a small patch of Australia anyway?

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 6, 2019
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Darkness Visible (2019)

Our dude Ronnie (Jaz Deol) is well and truly in the soup my creeps! You see, he has to journey from foggy ol’ London Towne to India due to his mother, Suleka (Seema Biswas), going missing before ending up in a Kolkata hospital. To make matters even worse, Suleka gets herself murderized by an apparent kill kult leaving R-dawg with a big ass mystery on his hands as he tries to piece together why his mother returned to her homeland in the first place…speaking of which, signs begin to point heavily to some dodgy murders that just so happened to stop 28 years in the past…you know, when Suleka and bouncin’ baby Ronnie decided to head dear ol’ Blighty way…and now the murders begin again, Ronnie starts to go off the rails on a crazy train…and there just may be a witch involved; because fuck yeah witches! Darkness Visible, while dealing in familiar horror biz tropes, put’s a unique and

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 6, 2019
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: All the Colors of the Dark (1972)

Jane (Edwige Fenech) is plagued by nightmares. I mean, lose one unborn baby in a horrific car crash and lose your shit why dontcha? Anyway, Jane’s boy toy Richard (George Hilton) is sympathetic, but always away on business so he’s as useless as an asshole with tastebuds, as is her psychiatrist, so she does hwat any sane, rational person would do…she joins a black magic cult at the behest of her new gal pal Mary (Marina Malfatti). Surprisingly group sex and blood consumption lead to a rather shitty path for our heroine, and soon she is at the mercy of the wackiest weirdo in that creepy cult ((Ivan Rassimov); he of the trenchcoat and icy blue eyes…and predilection for murder! Directed by Sergio Martino (The Suspicious Death of a Minor, Screamers, Slave of the Cannibal God…and roughly 4,000 more), All the Colors of the Dark is absolutely packed with suspense and a sense of unease. The viewer is never sure

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 5, 2019
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