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DanXIII

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Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Jess Franco’s Shining Sex (1977)

Shining Sex begins the only way it could; with a whistling Lina Romay dabbin’ at a photo of a dude with his schlong out with an eye shadow brush. Well, turns out Romay… or rather her character Cynthia is an exotic dancer that performs some sort of grease and gold plastered interpretive dance; the eponymous Shining Sex… a heady combo of pubic area razor burn, baffling close-ups, and shag carpeting that is guaranteed to have the audience scratching their heads as well as their crotches. After that showstopper, Cynthia is whisked away to the plush roof-top penthouse of Alpha (Evelyne Scott), where she immediately begins having sex with the lady of the manor… oh, and in a story ripped from today’s headlines; Alpha is an alien from another dimension with telepathic abilities, as one does. So what is Alpha up to? Mostly sitting around with her naked Lou Reed lookin’ man-servant, Andros (Raymond Hardy)… oh, and weaponizing our heroine’s vagina

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 21, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Beast Must Die (1974)

Let me tell you cats n’ creeps, when a movie begins and my eerie earholes are presented with what sounds like porno score raunchiness mixed with the incidental music from the Batman show from the ’60s I know I’m going to get plenty of werewolf action… or maybe just bushels of pubes, either way it’s going to be a hair-raisin’ good time! A millionaire with waaaaay the fuck too much time on his hands gets a wild hair (too soon?) up his ass to invite a group of folks to his estate (which is rigged for recording, even on the sprawling grounds of the property) inform them that one of the gang is a werewolf, and when discovered, that person must be executed. The fact (almost) everyone doesn’t immediately leave and actually believes this preposterous nonsense like a stone cold fact is reason number one that I love The Beast Must Die… Another reason to love this one is the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 20, 2020
Horror Fuel

The Weird World of Wild Eye Releasing: Part 3

As you have seen in the first two parts of this series (located here and here) Wild Eye Releasing have scads of horror biz-centric material available; enough to satisfy countless graveyards full of slavering horror hounds. Don’t believe me? Check out this beastly bevy of terror titles! First title up is The Witch Behind the Door: Based on the legend of the “Witches of Benevento”, The Witch Behind the Door (or Janara as it was originally known) concerns the misadventures of Marta and Alessandro (played by Laura Sinceri and Alessandro D’Ambrosi respectively) who arrive in the village of San Lupo to collect an inheritance left to Marta. I mean some free dough is always cool, but the village gives the outsiders the cold shoulder right quick, but that’s understandable given all of the missing children and such… children who’s disappearance could be the work of a pedo or a coven of witches… I mean there couldn’t be any other answer

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 20, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Ravage (2020)

Balls deep in the Watchatoomy Valley, nature photog Harper (Annabelle Dexter-Jones) feasts her putrid peepers on a sight she was never supposed to see; namely the beating of a man by the psycho Ravener (Robert Longstreet) and his crazy crew. After documenting the violence on hand, our heroine bolts… and after a murder attempt she reports the ghoulish goings-on to the local authorities. This does nothing to deter her fate of becoming a barnyard captive of those murderous yokel locals more than ready to stride revenge’s road… but Harper has a few ideas as to vengeance of her own! The greatest strength of Ravage is the prowess of it’s heroine. Writer/director Teddy Grennan fashions his muse as a true creature of nature; scrappy, capable, and able to survive in the wilderness… This of course leads to the same Shakespeare by way of the “Me” generation’s “Battle of the Sexes” that seemed to define ’70s grindhouse cinema ; and was evident

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 20, 2020
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Horror Fuel

The Weird World of Wild Eye Releasing: Part Two!

The fine fiends at Wild Eye Releasing have plenty of horror biz spills and chills available right now, and they sent me a ton o’ titles to slap revoltin’ reviews upon (part one of this fearsome feature can be found right here)! First title we will examine is Human Zoo! Roll up and check out the latest reality TV diversion; a sinister show where contestants are jammed in a teeny tiny cell and filmed as they inevitably lose their shit. Now the idea is there will be a “winner” to these unsavory shenanigans with a prize of a cool mil’ waiting for whoever keeps their sanity the longest… which will just about cover the therapy bills they’ll acquire trying to cope with the fallout of what they will endure on this show… Human Zoo takes us through the creation of that aforementioned TV program from it’s casting to it’s implementation and puts our quirky and/or snarky characters through the wringer.

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 19, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Honeymoon Phase (2019)

Tom (Jim Schubin) and Eve (Chloe Carroll) get a wild hair up their asses that they can put one over on the eggheads runnin’ your friendly neighborhood research project and score fifty grand in cold, hard cash. All they need to do is convince everyone they are married, and get locked up good n’ tight in a futuristic smart house cum lab for a month (while wearing fancy futuristic suits as a bonus) while the scientists wrap their noggins around why couples stop being all lovey-dovey. What could go wrong? Fuckin’ plenty, because as Tom really seems to be gettin’ his jollies in his new environs, Eve begins to suspect that Tom is a tad different from the man she thought she knew… as she tries to navigate a slippery-slope that leads into madness! In The Honeymoon Phase; the debut feature from writer/director Phillip G. Carroll Jr., we get a near-perfect slice of sweet, sweet Twilight Zone pie, as our

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 19, 2020
Horror Fuel

The Weird World of Wild Eye Releasing: Part One!

The fine fiends at Wild Eye Releasing must have known ol’ Dan XIII needed a bit of a jolt to round out his sinister summer, and they sent me a large selection of outre offerings to feast my putrid peepers upon! So, in the interest of offering my not so humble opinion on what the creepy company has on hand; I’m going to devote the next few columns to revotin’ reviews of their various terror tales! Part One of our deep dive will feature five, count ’em five titles available from Wild Eye Releasing; Virus of the Dead, The Velocipastor, The Baylock Residence, Pickaxe, and Ouija Shark! First up, Virus of the Dead: If there’s two things that cats what love the horror biz dig it’s arcane anthologies and zombies…so it stands to reason that many of you boils n’ ghouls would be curious to check out a flick that combines those things right? Well, you’re in luck because the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 18, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Sputnik (2020)

Commander Konstantin Veshnyakov (Pyotr Fyodorov) is doin’ the Major Tom bag back round ‘83. Well on the way back home, Veshnyakov has the unpleasant discovery that they are not alone in the capsule. One crash landing, an amazingly worse for wear co-pilot, and incarceration in a secret facility later we learn that our hero is a host to a parasitic alien that gives him remarkable regenerative abilities… but, like he has to have a giant space creature inside of him, just a-ridin’ around… Enter: Tatyana Klimova (Oksana Akinshina), a hot shot psychiatric doctor with unconventional methods of treating patients, who’s brought to the facility by hard-ass Colonel Semiradov (Fedor Bondarchuk) to look after our deadly duo. The problem is, the longer Klimova is at the secret base… and I mean, she couldn’t leave even if she wanted to… the more she learns that there are many more secrets involved than just an alien-infested spaceman… and living through the project’s conclusion

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 14, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Cannibal Corpse Killers (2018)

Ol’ Pike (Dennis Haggard) and his fellow survivors of the apocalypse traipse across the damnable desert on their way to the epicenter of said apocalypse; Jawbone. Seems hot n’ dusty, but it’ll be a dull journey no doubt; I mean a tumbleweed here, some sand n’ scorching sun there…. maybe a cannibalistic demon-oid freak or two… Yeah, we are in for a joltin’ journey indeed cats n’ creeps, as along with the oppressive conditions of that sandy death-trap, and those goddamned monsters mentioned up yonder, Pike n’ pals must deal with a wacko known as The Magistrate (Ron Jason) who is fixin’ to raise an army of cannibal creatures of his own! Coming from director Joaquin Montalvan (who co-wrote the flick along with Eunice Font, and S.E. Feinberg), Cannibal Corpse Killers delivers a solid punch of low budget thrills n’ chills, and offers us a look into a world that comes off as a cross between Lamberto Bava’s Demons and

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 10, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Uncle Peckerhead (2020)

Judy (Chet Siegel), along with her pals Max (Jeff Riddle) and Mel (Ruby McCollister) simply want to solicit a van for the first tour of their punk band, DUH, when they encounter one strange mother fucker what goes by the handle Peckerhead (David Littleton). This chance meeting is fortuitous for our heroes, as ol’ Pecker is willing to let them use his van cum home as a means to haul their asses from gig to gig for a few bucks and gas money… hell, he even volunteers to act as their roadie! Really the only negative to the deal is that Peckerhead turns into a flesh-eating monster every night at midnight for thirteen minutes… as one does. Now our heroes aren’t ones to let some fucked-up arcane shenanigans get in the way of their dreams, so they soon form an uneasy alliance with Pecker in order to continue the tour… now let’s see if they can pull that off without

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 7, 2020

More from DanXIII

Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Jess Franco’s Shining Sex (1977)

Shining Sex begins the only way it could; with a whistling Lina Romay dabbin’ at a photo of a dude with his schlong out with an eye shadow brush. Well, turns out Romay… or rather her character Cynthia is an exotic dancer that performs some sort of grease and gold plastered interpretive dance; the eponymous Shining Sex… a heady combo of pubic area razor burn, baffling close-ups, and shag carpeting that is guaranteed to have the audience scratching their heads as well as their crotches. After that showstopper, Cynthia is whisked away to the plush roof-top penthouse of Alpha (Evelyne Scott), where she immediately begins having sex with the lady of the manor… oh, and in a story ripped from today’s headlines; Alpha is an alien from another dimension with telepathic abilities, as one does. So what is Alpha up to? Mostly sitting around with her naked Lou Reed lookin’ man-servant, Andros (Raymond Hardy)… oh, and weaponizing our heroine’s vagina

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 21, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Beast Must Die (1974)

Let me tell you cats n’ creeps, when a movie begins and my eerie earholes are presented with what sounds like porno score raunchiness mixed with the incidental music from the Batman show from the ’60s I know I’m going to get plenty of werewolf action… or maybe just bushels of pubes, either way it’s going to be a hair-raisin’ good time! A millionaire with waaaaay the fuck too much time on his hands gets a wild hair (too soon?) up his ass to invite a group of folks to his estate (which is rigged for recording, even on the sprawling grounds of the property) inform them that one of the gang is a werewolf, and when discovered, that person must be executed. The fact (almost) everyone doesn’t immediately leave and actually believes this preposterous nonsense like a stone cold fact is reason number one that I love The Beast Must Die… Another reason to love this one is the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 20, 2020
Horror Fuel

The Weird World of Wild Eye Releasing: Part 3

As you have seen in the first two parts of this series (located here and here) Wild Eye Releasing have scads of horror biz-centric material available; enough to satisfy countless graveyards full of slavering horror hounds. Don’t believe me? Check out this beastly bevy of terror titles! First title up is The Witch Behind the Door: Based on the legend of the “Witches of Benevento”, The Witch Behind the Door (or Janara as it was originally known) concerns the misadventures of Marta and Alessandro (played by Laura Sinceri and Alessandro D’Ambrosi respectively) who arrive in the village of San Lupo to collect an inheritance left to Marta. I mean some free dough is always cool, but the village gives the outsiders the cold shoulder right quick, but that’s understandable given all of the missing children and such… children who’s disappearance could be the work of a pedo or a coven of witches… I mean there couldn’t be any other answer

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 20, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Ravage (2020)

Balls deep in the Watchatoomy Valley, nature photog Harper (Annabelle Dexter-Jones) feasts her putrid peepers on a sight she was never supposed to see; namely the beating of a man by the psycho Ravener (Robert Longstreet) and his crazy crew. After documenting the violence on hand, our heroine bolts… and after a murder attempt she reports the ghoulish goings-on to the local authorities. This does nothing to deter her fate of becoming a barnyard captive of those murderous yokel locals more than ready to stride revenge’s road… but Harper has a few ideas as to vengeance of her own! The greatest strength of Ravage is the prowess of it’s heroine. Writer/director Teddy Grennan fashions his muse as a true creature of nature; scrappy, capable, and able to survive in the wilderness… This of course leads to the same Shakespeare by way of the “Me” generation’s “Battle of the Sexes” that seemed to define ’70s grindhouse cinema ; and was evident

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 20, 2020
Horror Fuel

The Weird World of Wild Eye Releasing: Part Two!

The fine fiends at Wild Eye Releasing have plenty of horror biz spills and chills available right now, and they sent me a ton o’ titles to slap revoltin’ reviews upon (part one of this fearsome feature can be found right here)! First title we will examine is Human Zoo! Roll up and check out the latest reality TV diversion; a sinister show where contestants are jammed in a teeny tiny cell and filmed as they inevitably lose their shit. Now the idea is there will be a “winner” to these unsavory shenanigans with a prize of a cool mil’ waiting for whoever keeps their sanity the longest… which will just about cover the therapy bills they’ll acquire trying to cope with the fallout of what they will endure on this show… Human Zoo takes us through the creation of that aforementioned TV program from it’s casting to it’s implementation and puts our quirky and/or snarky characters through the wringer.

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 19, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Honeymoon Phase (2019)

Tom (Jim Schubin) and Eve (Chloe Carroll) get a wild hair up their asses that they can put one over on the eggheads runnin’ your friendly neighborhood research project and score fifty grand in cold, hard cash. All they need to do is convince everyone they are married, and get locked up good n’ tight in a futuristic smart house cum lab for a month (while wearing fancy futuristic suits as a bonus) while the scientists wrap their noggins around why couples stop being all lovey-dovey. What could go wrong? Fuckin’ plenty, because as Tom really seems to be gettin’ his jollies in his new environs, Eve begins to suspect that Tom is a tad different from the man she thought she knew… as she tries to navigate a slippery-slope that leads into madness! In The Honeymoon Phase; the debut feature from writer/director Phillip G. Carroll Jr., we get a near-perfect slice of sweet, sweet Twilight Zone pie, as our

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 19, 2020
Horror Fuel

The Weird World of Wild Eye Releasing: Part One!

The fine fiends at Wild Eye Releasing must have known ol’ Dan XIII needed a bit of a jolt to round out his sinister summer, and they sent me a large selection of outre offerings to feast my putrid peepers upon! So, in the interest of offering my not so humble opinion on what the creepy company has on hand; I’m going to devote the next few columns to revotin’ reviews of their various terror tales! Part One of our deep dive will feature five, count ’em five titles available from Wild Eye Releasing; Virus of the Dead, The Velocipastor, The Baylock Residence, Pickaxe, and Ouija Shark! First up, Virus of the Dead: If there’s two things that cats what love the horror biz dig it’s arcane anthologies and zombies…so it stands to reason that many of you boils n’ ghouls would be curious to check out a flick that combines those things right? Well, you’re in luck because the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 18, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Sputnik (2020)

Commander Konstantin Veshnyakov (Pyotr Fyodorov) is doin’ the Major Tom bag back round ‘83. Well on the way back home, Veshnyakov has the unpleasant discovery that they are not alone in the capsule. One crash landing, an amazingly worse for wear co-pilot, and incarceration in a secret facility later we learn that our hero is a host to a parasitic alien that gives him remarkable regenerative abilities… but, like he has to have a giant space creature inside of him, just a-ridin’ around… Enter: Tatyana Klimova (Oksana Akinshina), a hot shot psychiatric doctor with unconventional methods of treating patients, who’s brought to the facility by hard-ass Colonel Semiradov (Fedor Bondarchuk) to look after our deadly duo. The problem is, the longer Klimova is at the secret base… and I mean, she couldn’t leave even if she wanted to… the more she learns that there are many more secrets involved than just an alien-infested spaceman… and living through the project’s conclusion

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 14, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Cannibal Corpse Killers (2018)

Ol’ Pike (Dennis Haggard) and his fellow survivors of the apocalypse traipse across the damnable desert on their way to the epicenter of said apocalypse; Jawbone. Seems hot n’ dusty, but it’ll be a dull journey no doubt; I mean a tumbleweed here, some sand n’ scorching sun there…. maybe a cannibalistic demon-oid freak or two… Yeah, we are in for a joltin’ journey indeed cats n’ creeps, as along with the oppressive conditions of that sandy death-trap, and those goddamned monsters mentioned up yonder, Pike n’ pals must deal with a wacko known as The Magistrate (Ron Jason) who is fixin’ to raise an army of cannibal creatures of his own! Coming from director Joaquin Montalvan (who co-wrote the flick along with Eunice Font, and S.E. Feinberg), Cannibal Corpse Killers delivers a solid punch of low budget thrills n’ chills, and offers us a look into a world that comes off as a cross between Lamberto Bava’s Demons and

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 10, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Uncle Peckerhead (2020)

Judy (Chet Siegel), along with her pals Max (Jeff Riddle) and Mel (Ruby McCollister) simply want to solicit a van for the first tour of their punk band, DUH, when they encounter one strange mother fucker what goes by the handle Peckerhead (David Littleton). This chance meeting is fortuitous for our heroes, as ol’ Pecker is willing to let them use his van cum home as a means to haul their asses from gig to gig for a few bucks and gas money… hell, he even volunteers to act as their roadie! Really the only negative to the deal is that Peckerhead turns into a flesh-eating monster every night at midnight for thirteen minutes… as one does. Now our heroes aren’t ones to let some fucked-up arcane shenanigans get in the way of their dreams, so they soon form an uneasy alliance with Pecker in order to continue the tour… now let’s see if they can pull that off without

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 7, 2020
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