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DanXIII

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Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Pool (2018)

Day (Theeradej Wongpuapan) awakes to find himself trapped in a titanic empty pool with a gator nibbling on his leg. How did he end up in this nightmare scenario. well it tangentially involves a woman in clown makeup sitting on a fancy-ass couch underwater… as these things so often do. Long story short, Day (and his puppy) just completed work on a film set at the luxurious, but abandoned, pool mentioned above… and hangs around for a private swim the next day… a swim that finds him goofing off a bit too much, so that when the water drains a bit he is unable to exit the pool. This is bad news on a number of levels, as Day is unable to reach the insulin he needs to live, and when his cellphone falls in the water, he is unable to call for help. To make matters even worse, his girlfriend Koi (Ratnamon Ratchiratham) arrives, and gets seriously injured before

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DanXIII
Jul 20, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Carmilla (2019)

At an isolated country manor, Mr Bauer (Greg Wise) resides with his teenage daughter Lara (Hannah Rae) and Lara’s hard-ass governess Ms Fontaine (Jessica Raine). Lara spends her days being bored off her ass… that is until the survivor of a carriage accident (Devrim Lingnau) is taken in by Bauer. The girl claims she has no memory of where she’s from or who she is, but Lara takes to calling her Carmilla. Lara becomes absolutely smitten with Carmilla, as they mystery girl stirs new feelings inside her… but there is more to Carmilla than meets the eye which could spell doom for the Bauer household! Based on the novella by Sheridan Le Fanu of the same name, Carmilla is a tale of vampirism that pre-dates Bram Stoker’s more famous Dracula, but is every bit that novels equal… and where Dracula dabbles in homo-eroticism, Carmilla flaunts it. Admittedly, writer/director Emily Harris has dialed back the more overt vampire biz in this

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 17, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Lake of Death (2019)

Lillian (Iben Akerlie) just can’t get her missing bro Bjørn (Patrick Walshe McBride) off her mind… so much so that she keeps seeing visions of his ass while her and her vacuous pals plop their asses down in that hoary ol’ horror biz chestnut; the isolated cabin in the woods. Along with that, bizarre-ass shit keeps going on that causes that gaggle o’ goofs to start blaming each other for the outre happenings… though something more sinister and supernatural may be to blame! Based on the 1958 fright flick from Norwegian director Kåre Bergstrøm (itself an adaption of Andre Bjerke’s 1942 novel of the same name); writer/director Nini Bull Robsahm’s film updates the tale, while adding a stylish flourish that looks tight as fuck (thanks to Robsahm’s eye as well as the work of cinematographer Axel Mustad and editor Bob Murawski)… but there a few bumps on this joltin’ journey boils n’ ghouls. For one, this flick is by-the-numbers Hollywood

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 15, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Revenge of the Living Dead Girls (1987)

While getting his fuck on with a comely injured hitchhiker, a dairy delivery dude has his milk cargo sabotaged by a mystery man on a motorcycle. The poison milk begins to kill young women (one of which apparently has a habit of eating breakfast with her mother while wearing see-thru lingerie as so many of us do), but we soon discover that the murder biz wasn’t intended by those behind the poisoning, who had hoped for mere “gut-wrenching illness” instead. Simultaneously, a German owned company (whom all of the poisoned girls worked for) is paying cash-money to have their toxic runoff dumped in a nearby cemetery, which naturally resurrects those aforementioned poison victims… and these zombie gals are hellbent for revenge let me tell ya… well after gingerly walking through the graveyard trying not to fall on their collective asses as gobs of manufactured smoke makes every step a hazard that is… And what a revenge it is, as our

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 12, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Wild, Wild World of Jayne Mansfield (1968)

Jayne Mansfield, apparently quite the international jet-setter, is kind enough to take us along on her last tour around the globe. Make sure you take your Dramamine as I suspect this is going to be a bumpy-ass ride… We start off in Rome, where Jayne just putzes around nearly deserted streets (in black and white footage… remember this)… but c’mon, Jayne is a big star, they aren’t really selling it… oh, wait… thankfully stock footage of countless people looking at… something… has been spliced in (via color footage). Ciao Bella Mrs. Mansfield… After more stock footage, some people eventually show up and Jayne gets her ass pinched (which may be more stock footage… but definitely involves a look-alike) in the middle of the afternoon, watches some ladies take their clothes off, fills us in on the games of the coliseums (via scenes from an old Hercules picture and a rando soccer game), fantasizes about dragons and ancient orgies (thankfully not

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 12, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Mondo Balordo (1964)

After a big spoon of hippie-dippy bullshit (set to some pseudo-Vic Damone crooning) that attempts to rationalize the horrors we will doubtfully soon witness, Mondo Balordo gets underway… … and in less than five minutes we get handicapped, and possibly deranged, people busking, a man that can inflate his stomach to asinine degrees, and sex with a midget prostitute… fuck me (but not like our little person harlot), this is going to be a bumpy ride… oh, and Boris Karloff of all people is mixed up in this too… Moving on we get a thick stew of Hercules flick stock-footage, exercises to reinvigorate the tiddies of ol’ biddies, strip shows, light S&M, female rasslin’ … and so much, much more. Also a blonde-haired Buddy Holly clone sings some song that is an unholy combination of ’50’s rock mixed with the manic energy of Guitar Wolf set to images of native peoples dancing to god knows what… honestly, that was my

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 11, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Game of Death (2020)

Game of Death goes as follows: a group of hard partyin’ millennial-types do the whole gamut of drinkin’ druggin’ and dirty lovin’ until they find something new to occupy their vacuous noodles; namely playing a board game that requires the players to kill one another or else the game will do the murder biz via making the player’s heads explode! Now, will our hapless heroes have the stones to play the game to it’s conclusion, or will they all end up a heap of headless hosers? Before we get to the one glaring negative with this fright flick, let’s start with some good vibes, shall we? The concept of the killer game, and how it’s presented is tight and outta sight, and the story itself (courtesy of scribes Edouard H. Bond, Sebastien Landry, Laurence Morais-Lagaceis, and Philip Kalin-Hajdu) is aces, as is the slick n’ stylish direction from Landry and Morais-Lagaceis that blends elements of found footage, animation, 8-bit graphics

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 11, 2020
Horror Fuel

Book Review: Jack Kirby the Epic Life of the King of Comics (2020)

Jack Kirby is the single greatest comic book creator that ever lived. Period, full fuckin’ stop. You can disagree of course, and of course you would be wrong… I mean come the hell on; the dude created The Avengers, The Incredible Hulk, and most importantly to me, The X-Men, and roughly eleven-billionty others (including the genius of his New Gods work for DC, and creations for animation)… and his place in history is well-and-duly preserved, not to mention his influence on modern cinema with all of those Marvel flicks comin’ out every 15 seconds (well they were before the world temporarily turns upside down). So that brings us to Jack Kirby the Epic Life of the King of Comics; the new four-color opus from Tom Scioli (American Barbarian, G.I. Joe vs. Transformers, Go-bots, and Fantastic Four Grand Design to name a few), a genius-level creator in his own right… and one of my all-time favorite artists around today, who (not)

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DanXIII
Jul 11, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-Ray Review: Ozone (1995)

There’s a new drug on the mean streets called Ozone, and it has the nasty habit of making those that take it explode… and those are the lucky ones! Enter: Detective Eddie Boone (James Black), who finds himself injected with Ozone while on a bust that also results in his partner, Mike (Tom Hoover) being maimed and abducted by a gang of Ozone “zombies”. Now Boone must search for his partner while suffering nightmarish Ozone hallucinations, and contending with the monstrous mutant addicts that stand in his way! Shot on Super VHS-C, for next to no cash, Ozone is punk rock fright flick filmmaking at it’s best! Director/Co-writer J.R. Bookwalter (along with Co-writer David A. Wagner) creates a truly unique vision of endless mutations, body-melts, Cenobite-style punks, and gallons of grizzly gore (most realized via excellent practical effects work, though some early CG “morphs” are utilized as well) that parade around a world just a few minutes ahead of our

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 11, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Parts Unknown (2018)

Parts Unknown focuses on a family of wrestlers; huge-ass Hermann (William DeCoff), annoying-as-fuck wimp-ass Harvey (Alexander Hauck), crazy-ass Kitty (Sarah Michelle), Kitty’s rival/best friend Lacey (Lizzie Havoc), and hunky outsider Karl who’s hobbies include getting wasted as all fuck and bitching about their now non-existent wrestling careers. That would all be fine-and-dandy, but life becomes hard for these folks when Harvey kills a cop… and Karl shoots himself and undergoes a body melt. Okay, pretty dicey territory, but I’m sure they can survive this. Oh, but I forgot to mention… that ex-cop mentioned above was tossed into a nearby swamp by our “heroes” and is soon back in revenge-bent spirit format… oh and there’s a lizard headed swamp demon that Lacey decides to appease via dopey dudes she lures to their doom. Yeah, we got a wickedly weird one here cats n’ creeps. Let’s get the obvious and negative horse shit shoveled right quick, shall we? First things first, in

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 8, 2020

More from DanXIII

Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Pool (2018)

Day (Theeradej Wongpuapan) awakes to find himself trapped in a titanic empty pool with a gator nibbling on his leg. How did he end up in this nightmare scenario. well it tangentially involves a woman in clown makeup sitting on a fancy-ass couch underwater… as these things so often do. Long story short, Day (and his puppy) just completed work on a film set at the luxurious, but abandoned, pool mentioned above… and hangs around for a private swim the next day… a swim that finds him goofing off a bit too much, so that when the water drains a bit he is unable to exit the pool. This is bad news on a number of levels, as Day is unable to reach the insulin he needs to live, and when his cellphone falls in the water, he is unable to call for help. To make matters even worse, his girlfriend Koi (Ratnamon Ratchiratham) arrives, and gets seriously injured before

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 20, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Carmilla (2019)

At an isolated country manor, Mr Bauer (Greg Wise) resides with his teenage daughter Lara (Hannah Rae) and Lara’s hard-ass governess Ms Fontaine (Jessica Raine). Lara spends her days being bored off her ass… that is until the survivor of a carriage accident (Devrim Lingnau) is taken in by Bauer. The girl claims she has no memory of where she’s from or who she is, but Lara takes to calling her Carmilla. Lara becomes absolutely smitten with Carmilla, as they mystery girl stirs new feelings inside her… but there is more to Carmilla than meets the eye which could spell doom for the Bauer household! Based on the novella by Sheridan Le Fanu of the same name, Carmilla is a tale of vampirism that pre-dates Bram Stoker’s more famous Dracula, but is every bit that novels equal… and where Dracula dabbles in homo-eroticism, Carmilla flaunts it. Admittedly, writer/director Emily Harris has dialed back the more overt vampire biz in this

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 17, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Lake of Death (2019)

Lillian (Iben Akerlie) just can’t get her missing bro Bjørn (Patrick Walshe McBride) off her mind… so much so that she keeps seeing visions of his ass while her and her vacuous pals plop their asses down in that hoary ol’ horror biz chestnut; the isolated cabin in the woods. Along with that, bizarre-ass shit keeps going on that causes that gaggle o’ goofs to start blaming each other for the outre happenings… though something more sinister and supernatural may be to blame! Based on the 1958 fright flick from Norwegian director Kåre Bergstrøm (itself an adaption of Andre Bjerke’s 1942 novel of the same name); writer/director Nini Bull Robsahm’s film updates the tale, while adding a stylish flourish that looks tight as fuck (thanks to Robsahm’s eye as well as the work of cinematographer Axel Mustad and editor Bob Murawski)… but there a few bumps on this joltin’ journey boils n’ ghouls. For one, this flick is by-the-numbers Hollywood

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 15, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Revenge of the Living Dead Girls (1987)

While getting his fuck on with a comely injured hitchhiker, a dairy delivery dude has his milk cargo sabotaged by a mystery man on a motorcycle. The poison milk begins to kill young women (one of which apparently has a habit of eating breakfast with her mother while wearing see-thru lingerie as so many of us do), but we soon discover that the murder biz wasn’t intended by those behind the poisoning, who had hoped for mere “gut-wrenching illness” instead. Simultaneously, a German owned company (whom all of the poisoned girls worked for) is paying cash-money to have their toxic runoff dumped in a nearby cemetery, which naturally resurrects those aforementioned poison victims… and these zombie gals are hellbent for revenge let me tell ya… well after gingerly walking through the graveyard trying not to fall on their collective asses as gobs of manufactured smoke makes every step a hazard that is… And what a revenge it is, as our

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 12, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Wild, Wild World of Jayne Mansfield (1968)

Jayne Mansfield, apparently quite the international jet-setter, is kind enough to take us along on her last tour around the globe. Make sure you take your Dramamine as I suspect this is going to be a bumpy-ass ride… We start off in Rome, where Jayne just putzes around nearly deserted streets (in black and white footage… remember this)… but c’mon, Jayne is a big star, they aren’t really selling it… oh, wait… thankfully stock footage of countless people looking at… something… has been spliced in (via color footage). Ciao Bella Mrs. Mansfield… After more stock footage, some people eventually show up and Jayne gets her ass pinched (which may be more stock footage… but definitely involves a look-alike) in the middle of the afternoon, watches some ladies take their clothes off, fills us in on the games of the coliseums (via scenes from an old Hercules picture and a rando soccer game), fantasizes about dragons and ancient orgies (thankfully not

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 12, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Mondo Balordo (1964)

After a big spoon of hippie-dippy bullshit (set to some pseudo-Vic Damone crooning) that attempts to rationalize the horrors we will doubtfully soon witness, Mondo Balordo gets underway… … and in less than five minutes we get handicapped, and possibly deranged, people busking, a man that can inflate his stomach to asinine degrees, and sex with a midget prostitute… fuck me (but not like our little person harlot), this is going to be a bumpy ride… oh, and Boris Karloff of all people is mixed up in this too… Moving on we get a thick stew of Hercules flick stock-footage, exercises to reinvigorate the tiddies of ol’ biddies, strip shows, light S&M, female rasslin’ … and so much, much more. Also a blonde-haired Buddy Holly clone sings some song that is an unholy combination of ’50’s rock mixed with the manic energy of Guitar Wolf set to images of native peoples dancing to god knows what… honestly, that was my

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 11, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Game of Death (2020)

Game of Death goes as follows: a group of hard partyin’ millennial-types do the whole gamut of drinkin’ druggin’ and dirty lovin’ until they find something new to occupy their vacuous noodles; namely playing a board game that requires the players to kill one another or else the game will do the murder biz via making the player’s heads explode! Now, will our hapless heroes have the stones to play the game to it’s conclusion, or will they all end up a heap of headless hosers? Before we get to the one glaring negative with this fright flick, let’s start with some good vibes, shall we? The concept of the killer game, and how it’s presented is tight and outta sight, and the story itself (courtesy of scribes Edouard H. Bond, Sebastien Landry, Laurence Morais-Lagaceis, and Philip Kalin-Hajdu) is aces, as is the slick n’ stylish direction from Landry and Morais-Lagaceis that blends elements of found footage, animation, 8-bit graphics

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 11, 2020
Horror Fuel

Book Review: Jack Kirby the Epic Life of the King of Comics (2020)

Jack Kirby is the single greatest comic book creator that ever lived. Period, full fuckin’ stop. You can disagree of course, and of course you would be wrong… I mean come the hell on; the dude created The Avengers, The Incredible Hulk, and most importantly to me, The X-Men, and roughly eleven-billionty others (including the genius of his New Gods work for DC, and creations for animation)… and his place in history is well-and-duly preserved, not to mention his influence on modern cinema with all of those Marvel flicks comin’ out every 15 seconds (well they were before the world temporarily turns upside down). So that brings us to Jack Kirby the Epic Life of the King of Comics; the new four-color opus from Tom Scioli (American Barbarian, G.I. Joe vs. Transformers, Go-bots, and Fantastic Four Grand Design to name a few), a genius-level creator in his own right… and one of my all-time favorite artists around today, who (not)

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 11, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-Ray Review: Ozone (1995)

There’s a new drug on the mean streets called Ozone, and it has the nasty habit of making those that take it explode… and those are the lucky ones! Enter: Detective Eddie Boone (James Black), who finds himself injected with Ozone while on a bust that also results in his partner, Mike (Tom Hoover) being maimed and abducted by a gang of Ozone “zombies”. Now Boone must search for his partner while suffering nightmarish Ozone hallucinations, and contending with the monstrous mutant addicts that stand in his way! Shot on Super VHS-C, for next to no cash, Ozone is punk rock fright flick filmmaking at it’s best! Director/Co-writer J.R. Bookwalter (along with Co-writer David A. Wagner) creates a truly unique vision of endless mutations, body-melts, Cenobite-style punks, and gallons of grizzly gore (most realized via excellent practical effects work, though some early CG “morphs” are utilized as well) that parade around a world just a few minutes ahead of our

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 11, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Parts Unknown (2018)

Parts Unknown focuses on a family of wrestlers; huge-ass Hermann (William DeCoff), annoying-as-fuck wimp-ass Harvey (Alexander Hauck), crazy-ass Kitty (Sarah Michelle), Kitty’s rival/best friend Lacey (Lizzie Havoc), and hunky outsider Karl who’s hobbies include getting wasted as all fuck and bitching about their now non-existent wrestling careers. That would all be fine-and-dandy, but life becomes hard for these folks when Harvey kills a cop… and Karl shoots himself and undergoes a body melt. Okay, pretty dicey territory, but I’m sure they can survive this. Oh, but I forgot to mention… that ex-cop mentioned above was tossed into a nearby swamp by our “heroes” and is soon back in revenge-bent spirit format… oh and there’s a lizard headed swamp demon that Lacey decides to appease via dopey dudes she lures to their doom. Yeah, we got a wickedly weird one here cats n’ creeps. Let’s get the obvious and negative horse shit shoveled right quick, shall we? First things first, in

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 8, 2020
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