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DanXIII

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Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Horrors of Spider Island (1960)

Nightclub impresario Gary Webster (Alexander D’Arcy) has a wild hair up his ass about filling a club in Singapore with ladies from New York City. After auditioning a bevy of beautiful babes (via seeing them in various states of undress and dancing about), the whole motley crew boards a plane which promptly erupts in flame, rips in two, and plunges into the ocean, as planes often do. I’m guessing ol’ Webster saved a buck or two booking that particular airline. In a completely realistic fashion, the gang survived that ordeal, are set adrift on a life raft… and soon see a nearby island that could lead to salvation… or getting killed by giant spider monsters… as is usually the way of things. Look, if you even bothered to read the title of this review it’s no spoiler… it’s the latter, as before long our heroes discover a cabin with a human corpse stuck to a big-ass spider web… and soon

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 13, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh (1971)

Down Vienna way, folks are turnin’ up all murdered-like left and right, ya dig? Into that fracas floats richie-rich American gal Julie Wardh (the absolutely jaw-dropping Edwige Fenech), who soon becomes a target of that malicious maniac mentioned previous via a series of ye olde blackmail letters. Now Jules ain’t a detective by any means, but she does have her suspicions as to just who that slasher could be… namely her ex-lover Jean (Ivan Rassimov), with whom she enjoyed a rough sexin’ good ol’ time… of course it could be her new lover George (George Hilton)… hell, it could even be her hubby Neil (Alberto de Mendoza)… “strange vice” my ass, her vice is fuckin’ like crazy… but I guess The Endless Fucking of Mrs. Wardh would have left viewers a bit confused as to the fact this is a horror picture… Anyway, will Julie and her extremely exhausted vagina survive the ordeal and ascertain just who the killer is

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 13, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Universal Horror Collection: Volume 5 (1941 – 1945)

The last four Universal Horror Collections brought to us courtesy of those delightful devils over at Scream Factory have been a putrid potluck of fiendishly fun fright flicks (Don’t believe me? Head here, here, here, and lastly here to read my thoughts for your own sinister self!)! Let’s see if Volume 5 (which features fright flicks starring ghoulish gorillas goin’ apeshit and sultry half-human women) lives up to it’s predecessors! Starting things off we have The Monster and the Girl (1941): Scot Webster (Philip Terry) is a small town rube that attempts to save his sister, Susan (Ellen Drew) from a life of ill-repute at the hands of city slicker gangster W. S. Bruhl (Paul Lukas)… a course of action that finds ol’ single “T” Scot taking the fall for the murder gangster. As is the way of things; Scot is tried, executed, and has his brain placed in the body of a gorilla… it happens more than you think

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 10, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Vampire Dad (2020)

After a fantastic opening that is the unholy blend of Lichtenstein by way of E.C. Comics we get down to brass tacks with Vampire Dad… Psychologist Dr. Raymond Walenski (Jackson Hurst) is the ultimate early ’60’s father figure; a great husband and father with an ideal suburban lifestyle… but that goes to shit right quick when he’s turned into a bloodsuckin’ fang-banger thanks to the beastly bite of Victoria, the Goddess of the Underworld (Sarah Palmer)! Now that he’s a full-fledged creature of the night, Doc Walenski is offered the position of therapist to the monsters of the world by vicious Victoria; and soon he’s balls deep in the neurotic n’ demonic denizens of the midnight hour… a fact that Walenski’s wife tries to keep from family and neighbor’s alike! If you ever wished The Addams’ Family had a dash more Ozzie and Harriet and a pinch of The Bob Newhart Show then Vampire Dad is the picture for you!

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 9, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Before the five minute mark of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark; the titular character (portrayed by Cassandra Peterson) is groped by her new boss… and then she proceeds to quit her shitty job, and push that grabby bastard right through a desk. This is because Elvira kicks major ass… and guess what, so does this film! After the aforementioned bad touch; Elvira plans on taking her act (which seems to vary from Horror Host to Vegas showgirl… and some unholy combination of both) to Vegas… but her prospective producers are demanding a large sum to put on her show… and with her source of income now in the zero range, that ain’t gonna happen. Luckily our heroine gets a telegram informing her that her Great-Aunt Morgana has gone tits up, and Elvira is set to score big in the will; so she loads up her creepy caddy (the Macabre-mobile by name) and drives off to Fallwell, Massachusetts, where shortly after

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 7, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Wake (2017)

A group of attractive people manage to mow down a kid while doing the ol’ DWI bag and then find themselves stalked and slayed by a maniac wearing a burlap sack over his head. It’s like Jason Voorhees knows what you did last summer with The Wake. To elaborate, after our “heroes” murder said child, they are invited to his wake by his mother, and for some outrageous reason they actually go, only to be drugged and bound within a house lit only by blue lighting (seriously…every. damn. scene. Blue, blue, blue…). The group then slowly (and I mean slowly…more on that in a bit) meander around the house and occasionally have a go-around with the dude in the sack mentioned previous. Let’s start with a few nice things to say about The Wake. Let’s see…there were a few unexpected elements that added a bit of freshness to this somewhat pedestrian affair; namely, the dude driving the car actually admits

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 6, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Presidents Day (2016)

Zombie Presidents reawaken to kill obnoxious teens…that seems like a premise that would be both deleriously fun and near impossible to F up, right? Well… Presidents Day (yeah, no comma here) begins with your stereotypical teen cardboard cutouts (jock, nerd, strong woman et. al.) getting ready to head to a cabin in the woods™ (Jesus H. Christ…there has got to be a place to film as cheap as this hoary ol’ chestnut…). Before I continue with the story at hand, I have to mention that these folks play their roles so over-the-top that it becomes rather grating, rather quickly…just like the obvious “wink, wink, ain’t we clever” self aware film making present here as well. Anyway…kids arrive, zombie Presidents rise from their graves to kill them (why, who the F knows)…and that’s about it. Oh, John Wilkes Booth shows up, and if you have even a third grader’s knowledge of U.S. History you will be able to assess his role

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 6, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Ghost Note (2017)

The first thing you’ll notice when you sit down to watch Ghost Note is that the film makers behind this fright flick actually had an original idea (will wonders never cease?). Don’t believe me? Dig this preternatural premise my creeps; Teen with ‘tude Mallory is left to her own devices when her family pisses off to Hawaii leaving her sour ass behind. So what’s a girl to do with all of that free time? Why, go nosing around in the attic and uncovering a family secret…namely that her late grandfather attempted to exorcise a demonically possessed mass murdering jazz musician but instead just imprisoned his spirit within the home decades previous. She also goes jogging…oh, and eventually unleashes that murderous musician to begin his happy-go-lucky homicide spree once again. Ghost Note does a lot of things right. First of all, the visual aspect and origin of our main monster, Eugene by name, is fun and unique enough to set it

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 6, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Stained: The Red Letter (2019)

Hey cats n’ creeps; you lot ever wished someone would make a modern day horror remake of Shakespeare’s Macbeth? Me either, but someone did it, and it’s my job to watch it and talk about, so off we fuckin’ go… The long and the short of Stained goes as follows: Jane Macbeth (Arielle Brachfeld who also wrote the film along with Edward Gusts) is a nice enough if slightly fractured young woman… but her husband John (Gusts), is the exact opposite; shrewd, ambitious… a real go-getter. Together they have a picture perfect life, a nice home, and a chance at upward mobility… but it’s that last one is where things start to fall apart, ya dig? You see, John’s boss screws him out of a promotion, so that naturally leads to John going absolutely batshit and dippin’ his balls in the murder biz… well, that’s one way to get ahead in business. Understandably, this causes some slight problems with ol’

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 6, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: JAWS (1975) 45th Anniversary Limited Edition 4K Ultra HD

JAWS is one of the most iconic fright flicks of the sinister seventies, and as is befitting a creature classic like this, Universal Pictures Home Entertainment is givin’ the auld toothy fellow the 4k Ultra treatment… which I just so happen to have in front of my eerie eyeballs as we speak… err, read… whatever… For the none of you that are unfamiliar with JAWS, the story can be boiled down as follows: the beachfront summer destination of Amity up New England way is having a bit of trouble as the summer season nears, and with it the big July 4th celebration… people just keep getting eaten by a rather large shark; not exactly what you’d expect from a small Maine town. Naturally the town’s mayor is not going to let common sense get in the way of the almighty dollar, and he’s prepared to let things go on as usual (an opinion only bolstered by the discovery and elimination

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 6, 2020

More from DanXIII

Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Horrors of Spider Island (1960)

Nightclub impresario Gary Webster (Alexander D’Arcy) has a wild hair up his ass about filling a club in Singapore with ladies from New York City. After auditioning a bevy of beautiful babes (via seeing them in various states of undress and dancing about), the whole motley crew boards a plane which promptly erupts in flame, rips in two, and plunges into the ocean, as planes often do. I’m guessing ol’ Webster saved a buck or two booking that particular airline. In a completely realistic fashion, the gang survived that ordeal, are set adrift on a life raft… and soon see a nearby island that could lead to salvation… or getting killed by giant spider monsters… as is usually the way of things. Look, if you even bothered to read the title of this review it’s no spoiler… it’s the latter, as before long our heroes discover a cabin with a human corpse stuck to a big-ass spider web… and soon

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 13, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh (1971)

Down Vienna way, folks are turnin’ up all murdered-like left and right, ya dig? Into that fracas floats richie-rich American gal Julie Wardh (the absolutely jaw-dropping Edwige Fenech), who soon becomes a target of that malicious maniac mentioned previous via a series of ye olde blackmail letters. Now Jules ain’t a detective by any means, but she does have her suspicions as to just who that slasher could be… namely her ex-lover Jean (Ivan Rassimov), with whom she enjoyed a rough sexin’ good ol’ time… of course it could be her new lover George (George Hilton)… hell, it could even be her hubby Neil (Alberto de Mendoza)… “strange vice” my ass, her vice is fuckin’ like crazy… but I guess The Endless Fucking of Mrs. Wardh would have left viewers a bit confused as to the fact this is a horror picture… Anyway, will Julie and her extremely exhausted vagina survive the ordeal and ascertain just who the killer is

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 13, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Universal Horror Collection: Volume 5 (1941 – 1945)

The last four Universal Horror Collections brought to us courtesy of those delightful devils over at Scream Factory have been a putrid potluck of fiendishly fun fright flicks (Don’t believe me? Head here, here, here, and lastly here to read my thoughts for your own sinister self!)! Let’s see if Volume 5 (which features fright flicks starring ghoulish gorillas goin’ apeshit and sultry half-human women) lives up to it’s predecessors! Starting things off we have The Monster and the Girl (1941): Scot Webster (Philip Terry) is a small town rube that attempts to save his sister, Susan (Ellen Drew) from a life of ill-repute at the hands of city slicker gangster W. S. Bruhl (Paul Lukas)… a course of action that finds ol’ single “T” Scot taking the fall for the murder gangster. As is the way of things; Scot is tried, executed, and has his brain placed in the body of a gorilla… it happens more than you think

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 10, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Vampire Dad (2020)

After a fantastic opening that is the unholy blend of Lichtenstein by way of E.C. Comics we get down to brass tacks with Vampire Dad… Psychologist Dr. Raymond Walenski (Jackson Hurst) is the ultimate early ’60’s father figure; a great husband and father with an ideal suburban lifestyle… but that goes to shit right quick when he’s turned into a bloodsuckin’ fang-banger thanks to the beastly bite of Victoria, the Goddess of the Underworld (Sarah Palmer)! Now that he’s a full-fledged creature of the night, Doc Walenski is offered the position of therapist to the monsters of the world by vicious Victoria; and soon he’s balls deep in the neurotic n’ demonic denizens of the midnight hour… a fact that Walenski’s wife tries to keep from family and neighbor’s alike! If you ever wished The Addams’ Family had a dash more Ozzie and Harriet and a pinch of The Bob Newhart Show then Vampire Dad is the picture for you!

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 9, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Before the five minute mark of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark; the titular character (portrayed by Cassandra Peterson) is groped by her new boss… and then she proceeds to quit her shitty job, and push that grabby bastard right through a desk. This is because Elvira kicks major ass… and guess what, so does this film! After the aforementioned bad touch; Elvira plans on taking her act (which seems to vary from Horror Host to Vegas showgirl… and some unholy combination of both) to Vegas… but her prospective producers are demanding a large sum to put on her show… and with her source of income now in the zero range, that ain’t gonna happen. Luckily our heroine gets a telegram informing her that her Great-Aunt Morgana has gone tits up, and Elvira is set to score big in the will; so she loads up her creepy caddy (the Macabre-mobile by name) and drives off to Fallwell, Massachusetts, where shortly after

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 7, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Wake (2017)

A group of attractive people manage to mow down a kid while doing the ol’ DWI bag and then find themselves stalked and slayed by a maniac wearing a burlap sack over his head. It’s like Jason Voorhees knows what you did last summer with The Wake. To elaborate, after our “heroes” murder said child, they are invited to his wake by his mother, and for some outrageous reason they actually go, only to be drugged and bound within a house lit only by blue lighting (seriously…every. damn. scene. Blue, blue, blue…). The group then slowly (and I mean slowly…more on that in a bit) meander around the house and occasionally have a go-around with the dude in the sack mentioned previous. Let’s start with a few nice things to say about The Wake. Let’s see…there were a few unexpected elements that added a bit of freshness to this somewhat pedestrian affair; namely, the dude driving the car actually admits

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 6, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Presidents Day (2016)

Zombie Presidents reawaken to kill obnoxious teens…that seems like a premise that would be both deleriously fun and near impossible to F up, right? Well… Presidents Day (yeah, no comma here) begins with your stereotypical teen cardboard cutouts (jock, nerd, strong woman et. al.) getting ready to head to a cabin in the woods™ (Jesus H. Christ…there has got to be a place to film as cheap as this hoary ol’ chestnut…). Before I continue with the story at hand, I have to mention that these folks play their roles so over-the-top that it becomes rather grating, rather quickly…just like the obvious “wink, wink, ain’t we clever” self aware film making present here as well. Anyway…kids arrive, zombie Presidents rise from their graves to kill them (why, who the F knows)…and that’s about it. Oh, John Wilkes Booth shows up, and if you have even a third grader’s knowledge of U.S. History you will be able to assess his role

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 6, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Ghost Note (2017)

The first thing you’ll notice when you sit down to watch Ghost Note is that the film makers behind this fright flick actually had an original idea (will wonders never cease?). Don’t believe me? Dig this preternatural premise my creeps; Teen with ‘tude Mallory is left to her own devices when her family pisses off to Hawaii leaving her sour ass behind. So what’s a girl to do with all of that free time? Why, go nosing around in the attic and uncovering a family secret…namely that her late grandfather attempted to exorcise a demonically possessed mass murdering jazz musician but instead just imprisoned his spirit within the home decades previous. She also goes jogging…oh, and eventually unleashes that murderous musician to begin his happy-go-lucky homicide spree once again. Ghost Note does a lot of things right. First of all, the visual aspect and origin of our main monster, Eugene by name, is fun and unique enough to set it

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 6, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Stained: The Red Letter (2019)

Hey cats n’ creeps; you lot ever wished someone would make a modern day horror remake of Shakespeare’s Macbeth? Me either, but someone did it, and it’s my job to watch it and talk about, so off we fuckin’ go… The long and the short of Stained goes as follows: Jane Macbeth (Arielle Brachfeld who also wrote the film along with Edward Gusts) is a nice enough if slightly fractured young woman… but her husband John (Gusts), is the exact opposite; shrewd, ambitious… a real go-getter. Together they have a picture perfect life, a nice home, and a chance at upward mobility… but it’s that last one is where things start to fall apart, ya dig? You see, John’s boss screws him out of a promotion, so that naturally leads to John going absolutely batshit and dippin’ his balls in the murder biz… well, that’s one way to get ahead in business. Understandably, this causes some slight problems with ol’

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 6, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: JAWS (1975) 45th Anniversary Limited Edition 4K Ultra HD

JAWS is one of the most iconic fright flicks of the sinister seventies, and as is befitting a creature classic like this, Universal Pictures Home Entertainment is givin’ the auld toothy fellow the 4k Ultra treatment… which I just so happen to have in front of my eerie eyeballs as we speak… err, read… whatever… For the none of you that are unfamiliar with JAWS, the story can be boiled down as follows: the beachfront summer destination of Amity up New England way is having a bit of trouble as the summer season nears, and with it the big July 4th celebration… people just keep getting eaten by a rather large shark; not exactly what you’d expect from a small Maine town. Naturally the town’s mayor is not going to let common sense get in the way of the almighty dollar, and he’s prepared to let things go on as usual (an opinion only bolstered by the discovery and elimination

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 6, 2020
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