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Movie Review: Witches in the Woods (2019)

A gaggle of goofs from UMASS, all of whom are engaged in a love triangle… even though some of them don’t realize it quite yet, head out for a weekend on the ski slopes. Fate however has other plans for our heroes, and one logging truck accident and it’s resulting detour tosses these folks balls-deep into Strandedville: Population: These Assholes. Of course this bit o’ bullshit goes above and beyond the threat of hypothermia, as seemingly supernatural occurrences send both tempers and neck hairs sky high. Will our protagonists be able to survive this arcane assault… and is all what it seems deep within those wicked woods? With Witches in the Woods, director Jordan Barker and screenwriter Christopher Borrelli try to add some new wrinkles to the well-trod road of “kids in the woods encountering pure evil” genre us horror hounds set on such a high pedestal, and to that end they succeed, but there are still some hiccups along

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DanXIII

Apr 19, 2020

MoviesReviewsThriller

Blu-ray Review: Universal Horror Collection: Volume 4 (1937 – 1946)

The last three Universal Horror Collections brought to us courtesy of those devious n’ delightful devils over at Scream Factory have been a creepy cornucopia of fright flick fun (Don’t believe me? Head here and here and here to read my thoughts for your own sinister self!)! Let’s see if Volume 4 lives up to it’s predecessors! Starting things off we have 1937’s Night Key: David Mallory (Boris Karloff) is the old-as-balls inventor of a real peach of a new burglar alarm… in fact it’s so great that a real asshole of a businessman ends up taking our nearly blind hero for a ride and steals the profits from the device. Well Dave isn’t going to sit still for that prime cut of being poor bullshit, and before long and he falls in with some gangsters who want to utilize our protagonist’s smarts to help them come into some easy (read: fuckin’ stolen) money! A rather lightweight caper with a

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DanXIII

Mar 28, 2020

MoviesParanormalReviews

Blu-ray Review: Bones (2001)

Jimmy Bones(Snoop Dogg) was one bad-ass mother fucker in the ’70s; a true gangster’s gangster that ultimately was betrayed by a friend and met his demise in a deal gone south. Flash forward to the ‘mazing future year 2001, and Bones’ ol’ crib is purchased by a group of young entrepreneurs who hope to turn it into a nightclub. This causes the spirit of Bones to rise, and he immediately sets his sights on getting powerful enough to enact his supernatural revenge plot on those that did his ass oh-so wrong back in the disco days… and woe be to any mother fucker that gets in his way! I’m not here to mince words with you cats n’ creeps, so let me just say that Bones is a huge amount of frightful fun! It’s deft blend of blaxploitation and horror movie tropes is an entertaining winner, and while some of the effects are quite shit (I’m looking at you cheap-ass

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DanXIII

Mar 19, 2020

MoviesReviewsStreaming TV

Blu-ray Review: Munster, Go Home! (1966)

If you are of a certain age (read: old as all fuckity-fuck), then you doubtless grew-up with the fabulous freaky Munster family courtesy of mid-morning re-runs on TV. As a kid I loved every hauntingly hilarious minute of their sensational show… but said show wasn’t enough to contain the ghoulish goings-on, so in 1966 a fearsome feature film was created… and this time the Munsters came at ya in creepy color for the first time! Munster, Go Home! (the film in question, ‘natch) sees the family’s patriarch, the Frankenstein monster surrogate Herman (Fred Gwynne), inheriting an ancestral family home down jolly ol’ England way! So the whole grizzly gang: the aforementioned Herman, his vamp wife Lily (Yvonne De Carlo), her father/Dracula stand-in Grandpa (Al Lewis), and his werewolf son Eddie (Butch Patrick)… along with their perefctly normal niece (who’s appearance is monstrous to them) hope on a boat and set sail across the putrid pond! But things aren’t going to

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DanXIII

Mar 19, 2020

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: My Bloody Valentine (1981)

One fateful Valentine’s Day up Nova Scotia way, a mine explosion killed a bunch of dudes because those in charge of making sure shit like that didn’t happen were partying hardy at the local holiday dance. As fate would have it, one man, Harry Warden by name, survived the explosion and went on to go on a murder spree of those involved in the disaster… and that stone cold mother fucker warned the town to never have another Valentine’s Day dance again, or else! 20 years later a group of “young” miners gets a wild hair to hold another dance, and to the surprise of absolutely no one, Harry (or a copycat) makes the scene and begins dispatching folks in ultra-violent ways (more on that ghoulish goodness below). Naturally the dance gets the ax, but our heroes decide to hold a secret party (who’s main attraction seems to be the large number of hot dogs on hand) at the coal

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DanXIII

Feb 9, 2020

MoviesReviewsThriller

Movie Review: The House That Jack Built (2018)

Jack (Matt Dillon) is one of your normal failed architect and arch-sociopath types that you see practically everywhere these days. But this is the 70’s so maybe that was less common then… So Jack; he’s a burgeoning serial killer looking to make one hell of an artistic statement with his murder biz. Over the course of twelve years, Jack builds on his previous mayhem in more and more audacious (read: highly noticeable) ways which attract the attention of the local po-po something fierce. What will fate (and other forces) have in store for Jack? I’m laying it on the line, The House That Jack Built is at times funny, stomach churning, and gore drenched, and at all times ultra-misogynistic, but no matter how brutal things get… and holy fucking fuck do they… it remains relentlessly watchable. The reason for that lies squarely on Matt Dillon. While often depicted as comedic and surface level likable, sympathy is not something we are

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DanXIII

Jan 20, 2020

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Universal Horror Collection: Volume 3 (1939 – 1941)

Straight up; the last two Universal Horror Collections brought to us courtesy of those wonderful warlocks over at Scream Factory have been nothing if not a whole monstrous mess of fright flick fun (don’t believe me? Head here and here and read my thoughts on the matter for your own sinister self!)! Let’s see if Volume 3 lives up to the legacy of it’s predecessors! First up we travel to the not-so-jolly land of 15th century England with 1939’s Tower of London! Hunchbacked Richard Duke of Gloucester (Basil Rathbone), is sixth in line in succession to the throne, and he is pretty pissed about that let me tell ya. So what does that damned deformed dastard… err, bastard do to remedy that situation? Why he begins secretly eliminating those ahead of him in line with the help of his putrid pal Mord (Boris Karloff), the bloodthirsty town executioner (equally deformed as his boss; in this case with a club-foot). Things

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DanXIII

Jan 2, 2020

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: The Fly Collection (1958 – 1989)

Those magnificent bastards at Scream Factory have gone and done it; they’ve shoved every damn Fly flick into a boxed set, packed them with features, and set them loose to be lapped up by horror hounds everywhere… and I’m going to put a revoltin’ review on the whole shebang! Let’s kick things off with 1958’s The Fly… because that’s the first film in the series, and it would be stupid to do anything else… Andre Delambre (David Hedison) is flat as a pancake after being crushed to shit and back in a mechanical press, and his wife Helene (Patricia Owens) is the one responsible… but like an attention whore’s Facebook relationship status, it’s complicated. Fortunately we learn just how complicated as she recounts the strange events leading to Andre’s trip to the permanent press cycle to his brother Francois (Vincent Price, the one and only baby… ) and Police Inspector Charas (Herbert Marshall). You see ol’ Andy had been balls

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DanXIII

Dec 20, 2019

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Prophecy (1979)

Something has been ripping loggers a new asshole up in the mountains of Maine… a situation made worse by the local native population… well worse for the paper mill that is running the logging gig and fuckin’ up the land of the tribes of the region, as they try and protest every step of the operation. Enter Dr. Robert Verne (Robert Foxworth) who excepts a job from the EPA to write a report on the woodsy static going down. Once there, Rob notices a few things; the logging company are kind of complete assholes, the raccoons of the are are not to be fucked with, and the spokesperson for the tribes, John Hawks (played by Armand Assante of all people) is convinced a legendary monster roams the woods… which would surprise no one due to the amount of pollution that mill is a-churnin’ out! Also, it actually is… and it looks like the giant fuckin’ bear equivalent of Two-Face (played

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DanXIII

Dec 13, 2019

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Dracula (1979)

Looking for a faithful adaptation of Bram Stoker’s masterpiece, Dracula? Well, it’s a hardy “tough shit” to you, because today we are turning our putrid peepers on John Badham’s 1979 version of that beloved terror tale! Beginning with Drac-attac’s arrival in jolly ol’ eerie England aboard the doomed ship The Demeter, this version skips that whole “journey to a foreboding castle” bag the yarn usually kicks off with. Anyhow, frail Mina van Helsing (Jan Francis… and see what I mean about “faithful”?) finds Drac’s (Frank Langella) limp form while calling on her friend Lucy Seward (Kate Nelligan… and again…), who’s pappy Dr. Jack Seward (Donald Pleasence) runs Ye Olde Local Loony Bin located within his stately clifftop mansion. Now Drac manages to fool everyone with his smooth as silk ways… but before long Mina is dead at the fangs of the that creepy count who strikes while Lucy is gallivanting about with her beau Jonathon (Trevor Eve). This results in

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DanXIII

Dec 7, 2019

Scream Factory

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