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DanXIII

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Movie Review: Cannibals and Carpet Fitters (2017)

Cupid Carpets sends it’s biggest and brightest out to a remote country mansion where a huge carpeting job awaits. Since this is a horror site, you can guess this film has more on it’s mind than tacks n’ berber…and soon it is revealed the manse is home to a cannibalistic clan named the Hannings (and comprised of a loving Mom and her four ravenous, inbred sons). Will our heroes make it out of that arcane abode with their hides intact? Will they actually lay any carpet? Will you actually laugh at this horror comedy? As far as that last point is concerned, I can assure you that the laughs are plentiful in Cannibals and Carpet Fitters; a feat for which Writer Richard Lee O’Donnell and Director James Bushe should be lauded . While not every joke and jest hits the beastly bullseye, the majority do, and the comedic timing and chemistry among our characters, in particular main rug doctors Colin

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DanXIII

Nov 24, 2018

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Lifechanger (2018)

Emily Roberts (Elitsa Bako) wakes up one morning next to her withered husk of a corpse. How can this be? Well, it seems ol’ E-Dawg isn’t herself at all, but rather a shape-shifter named Drew (voiced by genre stalwart Bill Oberst Jr.) who can transform into anyone he murders for six hours before he begins to rot and must take on another form. As you can imagine, our hero will do anything to keep his secret even resorting to non-bodymorphing homicide if the sitch dictates. Soon a new wrinkle presents itself; Drew begins carrying over injuries from one body to the next…and all of the above will make his task of setting things right with an old flame that knew him as someone else damn near impossible! As you can imagine; Lifechanger is one hell of a unique motion picture. Part thriller, part body horror, part psychological drama…this flick takes all of those disparate elements and concocts a ghoulish goulash

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DanXIII

Nov 24, 2018

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: The Cabin (2018)

Hey I got a new one for ya; a couple heads to a secluded cabin and encounter terror…and by new I mean absolutely the most tired trope out there. Let’s see if The Cabin can do anything to spice up this hoary ol’ chestnut… Bickering couple, Rose (Caitlin Crommett) and Harry (Christopher Lee Page) head out for a little R&R at a cabin located in the middle of East Asshair where they hope to patch it up baby as their relationship comes apart at the seams (apologies to The King for that paraphrasin’). Sounds well and good except, they are not alone for long at the rustic abode as a deceitful, absolutely bat-shit insane psycho named Sven (Erik Kammerland who also wrote the flick) comes into their lives and forces them into one hell of a nightmare scenario…one in which there may not be a way out of alive! I’d love to tell you lot that The Cabin is a

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DanXIII

Nov 20, 2018

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Mandao of the Dead

Major league weird cat and heir to an award losing breakfast cereal “empire” Jay Mandao (Scott Dunn…who also wrote and directed the film) lives with his equally eccentric adult nephew Jackson (Sean McBride)…who sleeps in a tent within the apartment…yeah…Anyway, the night before Halloween, Jay has an out of body experience via astral projection which eventually leads our heroes to begin astral projecting slightly backwards through time to help a ghost avoid their murder. Absolute insanity ensues. Mandao of the Dead is one hell of a bizarre ride boils n’ ghouls. Everything from our off-kilter heroes…played with likable charm, even when Jay is being a tad on the gruff side and Jackson is being…Jackson, to the strange astral projection, time travel, and murder angles, and left-of-center humor all coalesce into a heady stew of engaging storytelling, solid world building, and just straight up fun. On the downside, the pacing of this film is equally as odd as the story itself.

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DanXIII

Nov 19, 2018

MoviesReviews

Short Film Review: Soundbite (2018)

A woman (Taylor Murphy-Sinclair) sits a computer and enters a website comprised of a single image of a skull. Seems mundane enough, until the creepy commands start issuing forth… Running a brisk four minutes and change; Soundbite is a nice lil’ bite sized nugget of video violence with a sprinkling of techo terror (or is it supernatural shenanigans to blame? You boils n’ ghouls will have to decide for yourselves when you slap your eerie eyeballs on he flick after these wicked words…). Co-writer (along with Brantley J. Brown)/Director Michael Coulombe delivers a simple, basically one sentence concept with a stylish flair that makes the whole affair satisfying even without anything in the way of character development, dialog (minus one key phrase), or even explanation as to what is going on. Another interesting visual choice is a reliance on warm earth tones, rather than the orange and blue/hot pink electric blue that many of today’s fright flicks seem to be

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DanXIII

Nov 17, 2018

ForeignIndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: The Farm (2018)

Nora and Alec (Nora Yessayan and Alec Gaylord) are a young couple travellin’ down the road to adventure on their way to stay at the ultimate AirBnB of fright flicks; the remote, isolated cabin. On their way there they stop at a local diner and realize the townies are a bit on the fucked up side, but honestly, what could go wrong? Nothing. They have a normal vacation. The end. Just fucking with you boils n’ ghouls! the pair are separated, and treated as cattle by the animal mask wearing local yokels. You see the folks inhabiting this region treat the men they capture (and yes, there are more victims on hand) as beef, and the women as dairy cows. Will our lovers be able to escape this charming scenario? Let’s start with the positives on hand with The Farm. First up, Writer/Director Hans Stjernswärd has created an interesting take on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre/The Hills Have Eyes formula in

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DanXIII

Nov 15, 2018

Holiday HorrorIndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Mrs. Claus (2018)

What can be better than a slasher flick that starts with a sorority pledge forced to lap up toilet water and humiliate herself with a pitch black marital aide before she finally snaps and chokes the head of the sorority with said dildo before slicing her up like a prize-winning ham then hanging herself? Honestly, not a hell of a lot I reckon… So after all of that craziness, Mrs. Claus starts in earnest when the sister of the now defunct sorority head, Amber by name, joins the same sorority as some sort of half-assed grief therapy. Well, before you can say ‘blood covered yule log’…wait, why would you ever even say that? Anyway…sorority bros and hoes start gettin’ offed right quick by a sinister slasher dressed as a nightmare version of Mrs. Clause and the body count climbs ever upward. Can ol’ Amber and her pals survive the slashin’s going on six ways to Sunday and figure out who

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DanXIII

Nov 15, 2018

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: [Cargo] (2018)

Anthony Peterson (Ron Thompson) is in a bit of a fuckin’ pickle. See, ol’ Tony-baloney has got his ass kidnapped and locked inside a cargo container located in parts unknown, with only his cellphone to keep him company. Good thing he has that device, as soon he is contacted by his captors and ordered to come up with ten million dollars in twenty-four hours or those vile bastards will rape and murder his wife, live on the ol’ wicked web, as restitution for atrocities that Anthony allegedly committed in the name of business. Along with the stress of getting the cash, our hero’s oxygen is running low, and the entire container can be set to deliver electric shocks. Of course things grow ever more dire, and we get to see just what length’s Anthony will go to in order to secure his freedom and his wife’s safety. Writer/Director James Dylan has come up with one hell of an effective and

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DanXIII

Nov 15, 2018

IndieMoviesParanormalReviews

Blu-ray Review: The Unnamable (1988)

In the 18th century, ol’ Joshua Winthrop is having some troubles with his teenage daughter Alyda…who just so happens to be a blood crazed demonic monster afraid of thunder and lightning. (Fuckin’ kids, amirite?) Anyway, she performs the murder biz on the geezer. Flash forward to the eerie eighties and our boy Randolph Carter (Mark Kinsey Stephenson) and his chums are chit-chatting in a graveyard (as one does) and their pal Joel gets the brilliant idea to spend the night in the Winthrop house to see if any supernatural shenanigans ensue. Well Joel does just that, and he gets his ass eaten (not literally…I mean the monster gets him) unbeknownst to his pals. Soon it’s up to remaining members of the group to investigate the arcane abode, but not before some frat boys and their gal pals visit the house to increase the body count…or make out…whatever. Will any of our heroes survive the centuries long rage of Alyda and

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DanXIII

Nov 12, 2018

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Camp Death III in 2D (2018)

What is this? A parody of Friday the 13th Part III coming a scant 36 years after if it’s theatrical run? I think we both know I have to check this out…I mean it’s my job, so I kinda have to regardless, but you know what I mean…unless you don’t…fuck you, here’s a review of Camp Death III in 2D! Three years after the demise of masked madman Johann Van Damme (which involves a puppet to hilarious effect), Camp Crystal Meph is back in business as a rehabilitation center for psychos. Of course Johann doesn’t stay dead for long, and soon he’s stalking the camp grounds, murdering our card board cut-out characters with wild abandon (and the occasional candy bar). Writer/Director Matt Frame should be applauded for the glorious madness he has wrought with Camp Death III in 2D. This flick is wrong headed, intentionally cheap and oh-so very, very stupid, full of groans and guffaws in equal measure…yet still

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DanXIII

Nov 11, 2018

DanXIII

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