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DanXIII

1,294 stories

Short Film Review: BFF Girls (2018)

A gaggle of anime otaku femmes (played by Allison Maier, Jessica Shipp, and Syndey Thomas respectively) discuss periods and fend off the pervy advances of their talking cat, Neko Sensei (voiced by Laurence R. Harvey from The Human Centipede sequels). Meanwhile on a planet far away from our own, super pervert Fabuloso Doom (Lawrence Sykkmon) consults with his evil magic mirror (voiced by Dana Snyder) about how he can conquer our comely, though decidedly off-limits legally, heroines and stay eternally young and beautiful…which of course he interprets as a need to consume period blood (as anyone would). To that need he unleashes his evil monster Anti-Flow (Lea Enslin) which triggers our heroines transformation into the BFF (Beautiful Fantasy Flower ) Girls (played by Marilyn Chung, Jessica Nam, Carolann Utley) and a bloody good battle ensues! If you’ve ever wondered what Sailor Moon would be like it it were created by Lloyd Kaufman, and who hasn’t really, BFF Girls is the

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DanXIII

Dec 14, 2018

ForeignIndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Snowflake (2017)

Gangsters Javid and Tan (Reza Brojerdi and Erkan Acar) are havin’ one fucky day. Seems our “heroes” have found the screenplay to their lives, and decide to seek out and heap abuse upon the documents author; a dentist named Arend (Alexander Schubert) all in the name of figuring out just what in the hell is going on…but he’s about as much use as a fishnet condom. The boys never let this deter their mission; namely finding the sumbitch what put the murder on their families…in a fucked up future version of Berlin populated by singing angels, murderous religious figures, and even more folks out for revenge; namely Eliana (Xenia Assenza) who teams up with a bodyguard with a past named Carson (David Masterson) to avenge the murder of her parents while dealing with cannibals and fucked up robots. As you can tell by that sinister synopsis up yonder; Snowflake is one hell of a bizarre motion picture! along with the

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DanXIII

Dec 13, 2018

ForeignMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Brutal (2017)

Butch Bigwave stars as the appropriately named Man, one sick ticket of a dude whose hobbies include kidnapping women, tying them up in his apartment, making their bodies resemble hamburger, then carrying on conversations with their severed heads. Brutal indeed. Meanwhile, a woman only known as…well, Woman (Ayano Oami) carries on in much the same manner as Man, just with male victims ‘natch. As fate would have it, these two meet each other and a bizarre pseudo-romance begins that can only culminate in the ultimate display as violence as sex surrogate ever committed to film! Straight up; Brutal lives up to it’s name a thousand-fold. This flick features some of the most nauseating sequences of bloody gore I’ve seen in a damn sight, and they are presented with gritty realism and practical effects glory. Also, as you can surmise, the basic story itself is as off-kilter as you can get and features genital mutilation, gallons of blood, and a surprisingly

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DanXIII

Dec 11, 2018

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: The Critters Collection (1986 – 1992)

Man oh man I love me some Critters…well the first film anyway. To be truthful, I loved the sequel as well, but only ended up seeing it once or twice, and the third and fourth pics? Well, I know I saw them at some point, but I remember fuck-all about them…but that first film; my lord I must have watched that fifty times in the late eighties alone! So, since it’s obviously waaaay past time for a re-visit to the frightful franchise, and since those delicious devils at Scream Factory have just put out a new Blu-ray collection featuring all for films, we begin my latest revoltin’ review for these hallowed haunted halls! To the surprise of no one we begin with: Critters (1986): A group of intergalactic convicts, who resemble the offspring of Fizzgig mating with a porcupine (and we both know that lil’ bastard totally would too), escape a prison asteroid and land near the farm of young

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DanXIII

Dec 10, 2018

ForeignIndieMoviesReviews

DVD Review: Heavy Trip (2018)

Before I jump into this here review for Heavy Trip, let me state that this is definitely NOT a horror film, rather it is a comedy about black metal, but since metal and horror intersect beautifully…and…and fuck it; I do whatever the shit I want… Turo (Johannes Holopainen), and his friends Pasi (Max Ovaska), Lotvonen (Samuli Jaskio), and Jynkyy (Antti Heikkinen) have been practicing their metal chops in a basement for the better part of 12 years, but Turo’s near paralyzing shyness have kept them from recording original material or performing even a single gig. considered a joke by damn near the entire town, our heroes soon get a chance to play a large metal festival in Norway, and the town begins to change their tune and worship the boys as local legends. Sounds great right? Well, while the promoter of said festival digs their sound (after hearing their demo post-reindeer blood shower…trust me, it makes sense when you see

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DanXIII

Dec 7, 2018

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Creepshow (1982)

Creepshow, or as I like to call it; “The best mother fuckin’ horror anthology ever made…period.” You’ve seen it, I’ve sure as shit have seen it…and I know you probably love it as much as your’s cruelly! Well, it just so happens our devilish compatriots at Scream Factory have just issued a special edition Blu-ray release of ol’ Creepy-baby, and I’m fixin’ to tell you what’s what about that…but first I’ll give a quick sinister synopsis for each story contained within this arcane anthology for all none of you that haven’t seen it… After a brief intro segment where a shit heel of a father (genre icon Tom “Thrill Me” Atkins) smacks his kid Billy (Joe Hill…the son of ol’ Stephen King; who just so happened to pen this fearsome feature, and a hell of a writer himself these days) around for reading horror comics we jump into our first tale: Father’s Day is the story of a wealthy and

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DanXIII

Dec 6, 2018

Holiday HorrorIndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Elves (2018)

A kid gets possessed by an elf, and gets his dunce of a brother to crawl into an oven where then proceeds to cook him. I say “What the fuck?!!”, and thus begins Elves…a sequel to a film I’ve never seen (The Elf for you keeping score at home)… Things kick into high gear once a group of friends open a chest-full of elf dolls at a holiday soiree. Each friend takes an elf with them and before long they get possessed by the effigies who make them suffer for their “naughtiness”…with predictably murderous results. Will anyone survive the arcane ordeal to see next Christmas? First things first, as mentioned up yonder, I had never laid my eerie eyeballs on The Elf, and fortunately Director Jamaal Burden has crafted a simple tale that’s easy to follow for neophytes to the franchise. What you get is a big ol’ slice of fruit cake as our troubled heroes take on the visage

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DanXIII

Dec 2, 2018

Holiday HorrorIndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Slay Belles (2018)

Alexi (Kristina Klebe) heads out with her ultra-bosomy gal pals Dahlia (Susan Slaughter) and Sadie (Hannah Wagner) to help them film the latest installment of their wicked web series Adventure Girls; a show dedicated to exploring abandoned structures…like the recesses of my mind where dignity and shame once did dwell. Out on the road they stop into a local watering hole where they learn kids have turned up slaughtered before heading on to their destination, a dilapidated Christmas based theme park named Santa Land. Once there they meet the kiddie-snatchin’ (and eating) culprit; none other than everyone’s favorite Xmas demon; Krampus…as well as Santa (Barry Bostwick) himself, though he is more of a brawlin’, boozin’ , biker-type rather than the jolly ol’ St. Nick we have become accustomed to. Now it’s up to our comely heroines and Santa to put an end to that Germanic terror’s reign of evil…fuck, we are all going to die, aren’t we? As you may

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DanXIII

Dec 1, 2018

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Intensive Care (2018)

Alex (Tara Macken) earns some scratch by being the live-in nurse for an elderly woman named Claire (Leslie Easterbrook); and it seems like a rather cake assignment minus changin’ an adult diaper or two. Meanwhile Claire’s estranged, and constantly down on his luck, grandson Danny (Jai Rodriguez) has reunited with Seth and Rudy (played to the hilt by Kevin Sizemore and Jose Rosete respectively), a duo of no-good-nik townies he fucked over in the past, and the trio decide to rob the old bat, with the dastardly duo doing the deed while Danny takes Alex out on a date (plus distraction sex…Danny really suffers for his machinations, eh creeps? It’s like “You dudes get dolled up in spooky masks and struggle to open that safe…I’ll take the heat off of you by getting down and dirty with this outrageously attractive woman!” That ol’ rugged cross is a hard one to bear…). As is often the case, things go south, and

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DanXIII

Nov 29, 2018

ForeignMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review Attraction (2017)

On the eve of a massive meteor shower, a titanic damaged U.F.O. crash lands in Moscow. This sets off massive confusion among the citizenry with many resisting the arrival of our new-found brothers from the stars, some out of prejudice and others out of more personal reasons, such as Julia (Irina Starshenbaum) who’s best friend Sveta (Darya Rudenok) was inadvertently killed as the craft ripped the city apart during it’s landing. Soon Julia, along with her boyfriend Tyoma (Alexander Petrov) and his friends venture into ground zero to see what just what the aliens, who claim they wish for nothing more than to be left alone and repair their ship, are really up to! Unbeknownst to her pals, Julia finds out a secret about the aliens that causes her to have a change of heart…a change that leads to the fires of revolution and even love. But will all of that be enough to save the city, and just who

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DanXIII

Nov 28, 2018

DanXIII

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