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DanXIII

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Movie Review: The Toybox (2018)

Big Chuck (Greg Violand) has got himself a vintage RV which he hopes to utilize to patch up his relationship with his two adult children, Steve (who is gung-ho for forced family fun), and Jay who isn’t all rainbows and sunshine about the affair, via cramming them in that boxy piece of shit and haulin’ ass ‘cross country. Also along for this lil’ road trip are his eldest son’s wife Jennifer (Denise Richards) along with their daughter and dog…you know, because a fright flick needs kids and animals in peril to really get our collective pulse poundin’! Speaking of potential victims…err, I mean characters; the gang picks up Samantha (Mischa Barton) and her brother who have recently been stranded on the road thanks to their crappy car. Soon the occupants begin having terrifying…okay, mildly gross hallucinations…could something evil be afoot (it damn well ought to be or this shit is getting turned off with the F’n quickness)? Anyway, Charlie decides

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DanXIII

Sep 2, 2018

ForeignIndieMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Diamonds Of Kilimandjaro (1983)

Following a plane crash in deepest Africa, a young girl named Diana is taken in by a native tribe of cannibals who make her father the “Big White Chief”…yeah…Diana grows up and becomes the tripe’s eternally tits-out Goddess (as played by Katja Bienert), and word of her existence travels back to the ears of her ailing Mother. Enter some unscrupulous adventurers that promise to bring her daughter back home safe and sound, and head out into the jungle with Diana’s greedy relatives in tow; relatives that don’t want her in the picture as they are set to inherit the family fortune. As the group press on, they shoot and kill one of Diana’s tribe, which brings the full wrath of the natives down upon the heads of our gaggle of goofs…but not before they “interact” with clumsily integrated stock footage, and make sweet love directly after being almost eaten by crocodiles (see comment previous)…and let’s be honest, who doesn’t find

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DanXIII

Sep 2, 2018

ForeignIndieMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Golden Temple Amazons (1986)

A gaggle of surly (and mostly bare chested) Amazons ride up to a house and immediately murder a family (as one does)…well not all of the family; they let the young daughter, Liana, live and take her in as one of their own. Time passes and soon Liana’s (Analía Ivars) boobs too fly free in the breeze as she frolics with many a jungle animal, many of whom doubtless wonder how she gets her sky-high mega ’80’s hair to look so good, as I assume there isn’t a lot of Aquanet in the jungle. In time, Liana learns of her past…and why her parents were murdered (for the record her Father stole what passes for “gold” in this film, but is more commonly known as gold-colored tinfoil over rocks, from the Amazon’s hidden golden temple…which is some plywood covered with more of that damned foil…but I guess in a way it actually is gold…comedy gold that is). Our busty protagonist

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DanXIII

Sep 2, 2018

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: The Bad Nun (2018)

After a hella long ass cold open we meet Aesha (Becca Hirani), a party dude with ‘tude (yeah so she’s female, whatever), and her mom who is having none of her booze soaked ways. So what does she do to make sure her daughter can get on the straight and narrow before she ships out to college? Why sending her off to a remote bed and breakfast so she can chill the fuck out of course. Sounds all fine and dandy…except the B&B was formerly a nunnery and before you can say “This film was re-titled to cash in on the Conjuring spin-off The Nun” an evil nun starts causing static…eventually. First Aesha is charged with looking in on the caretakers ailing daughter, and meets the French occupant of another property nearby who uses the main house for piss purposes. Why am I mentioning all this? I’m not sure really…Anyway, a nun appears, begins murdering people then begins showing up

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DanXIII

Aug 31, 2018

IndieMoviesReviews

Short Film Review: Conductor (2018)

A gaggle gathers in a mall to test and and potentially win a brand new, state of the art drum machine. Among those competing is Josh (Michael Maclane) who’s attempts are no bueno. Enter Alexis (Kelli Jordan) a pro sound engineer that helps our man win the day…except, the beat triggers an unbelievably violent surprise that ends up being music to someone’s ears…but I’m keeping that under wraps! Writer/director Alex Noyer has done one hell of a job with Conductor. The film is unique, stylish, and unexpectedly filled to the brim with top notch practical gore effects that will warm the heart of any grue lovin’ horror hound! There is also an interesting bit of world building present in a flick that runs around five minutes or so, and many questions are left unanswered…which is a good thing, because your’s cruelly wouldn’t mind one damn bit if this was expanded into feature (or returned to in future shorts). Bottom line,

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DanXIII

Aug 31, 2018

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: The Dawnseeker (2018)

In the future the sun has had enough of this world, and decides to go batshit and wipe out all humanity…that’s a bit much; it’s just dying out actually. Of course the people of Earth will not go down with out a fight so they send five mercenaries to a remote planet to obtain a mineral known as “stardust” to fix up the star. Of course the ship, containing our heroes crashes on the planet, and a murderous alien creature begins hunting our mercs post-haste! As the carnage rages on, it becomes a question of just how many of our protagonists will make it back to Earth alive! First thing is fucking first; I have no idea what was spent on The Dawnseeker, but the film looks absolutely rad ass awesome!! There are futuristic city vistas, cool costumes, spaceships, robots, excellent lighting and shot composition…the whole thing is a visual feast, and makes the world presented spring to vibrant, visceral

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DanXIII

Aug 31, 2018

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Dragon Mountain (2018)

Dwarves and humans are at odds due to the mining of the dwarves ancestral home. In the thick of the struggle, three dwarven miners become trapped deep within the titular mountain. As time passes, the situation takes it’s toll both mentally and physically as starvation sets in and a mysterious creature begins stalking our heroes. Will they see the light of day again, or will the subterranean hell claim it’s victims? The greatest strength of Dragon Mountain is doubtless the acting present therein…which is good, since we are trapped with the three leads for ninety minutes. John Hutton, Brent Bateman, and Robert Morgan all deliver solid performances, and are interesting to watch as they sink deeper and deeper into despair. The film also possesses a unique quality in that writers Zachary Amundson and Chris Raney (who also directed) have given us an intimate character study with steampunk and traditional fantasy trappings instead of going the normal spectacle and bombast route

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DanXIII

Aug 31, 2018

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Boarding School (2018)

Young Jacob (Luke Prael) is a bed wettin’ teen dude in a night terrors mood…a condition that is driving his already off-kilter mother (Samantha Mathis) even more insane, adding to the “fun” of our hero’s life are a cadre of abusive peers and the fact that he is slowly taking on the persona of his recently deceased grand mother…right down to dressing like her. This doesn’t really go over to well, so off he goes to a rural boarding school far from his New York City home. Once there he gets a room mate, a pint sized Richard Lynch clone named Phil (Nadia Alexander…yeah, you read right, this part is played by a female, and her “trying to sound like a boy” voice is a super big distraction even though her acting is pretty damn solid)…but our burnt buddy isn’t the only surprise waiting for Jacob, as every student in the school has a behavioral problem or disability, and the

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DanXIII

Aug 31, 2018

IndieMoviesParanormalReviews

Movie Review: Muse (2017)

Adam (Riley Egan) is kind of shit at being a career artist when he finally finds his muse…like literally; the dude finds the Celtic version of a muse and she’s all magical and shit. So he becomes a great artist thanks to her witchy ways, but it all comes with a price; namely she’s a tad over protective of our hero and turns into a murder machine whenever her place in Adam’s life is threatened. So what is A-man going to do; turn a blind eye to the psychotic episodes and just ride high on his new found fortune n’ glory, or will he end her wicked reign? Not going to lie; Muse is one straight up beautiful motion picture to behold; cinematographer Damian Horan along with writer/director John Burr know how to frame a scene for maximum aesthetic impact, that’s for sure; and that helped the finished fright flick look much more expensive than it actually was. Also of

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DanXIII

Aug 29, 2018

ForeignIndieMoviesReviews

Short Film Review: I Am The Doorway (2018)

Arthur (Simon Merrells) has a few things to be proud of; he’s the first astronaut to orbit Pluto, he survives a rather shit crash landing back on Earth, and he grows alien eyes on his hands that present to him monstrous visions and cause him to not only believe he has murdered, but to believe he is the conduit (or doorway if you like) for an alien invasion. I Am the Doorway is one hell of a somber, grim, and ultimately intriguing sci-fi yarn. Based on a short story by some dude I’ve never heard of named Stephen King (I sincerely hope you boils n’ ghouls know I’m assing around here), this is a moody, darkly atmospheric affair that details one man’s descent into madness facilitated by cosmic interference (let’s just say this is King at his most Lovecraftian); and everything from the muted color palette, to the locations, to the grizzled appearance of Merrells as our protagonist adds to

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DanXIII

Aug 29, 2018

DanXIII

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