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DanXIII

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Blu-ray Review: The Long Night (2022)

Grace (Scout Taylor-Compton of Rob Zombie’s Halloween remakes) decides to rediscover her roots by making a return to the southern hometown her parents, whom she has never met, called home. Along for the ride is her boyfriend Jack (Nolan Gerard Funk) and ride they do as they arrive to the homestead in a haze of droning music, aerial shots, and dissolves that’ll have you screamin’ “The Shining did it!” in a New York fuckin’ second. Once at the remote homestead where they will be staying, our heroes begin to realize they are the targets of an evil, animal skull and robe wearing cult, and they seem to be none to pleased at the couples intrusion… but Grace’s past may have more ties to the mysterious group than she can ever imagine! If director Rich Ragsdale (working from a script by Mark Young and Robert Sheppe) delivers anything with The Long Night it’s atmosphere… gobs n’ gobs of it in fact,

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DanXIII

Mar 20, 2022

IndieMoviesReviewsSci-Fi

Blu-ray Review: Surf Nazis Must Die! (1987)

After a suitably bananas intro featuring Troma Team head honcho Lloyd Kaufman we are whisked away to “sometime in the near future”, and thus begins the Blu-ray edition of 1987’s Surf Nazis Must Die! After a cataclysmic earthquake, California’s beaches are run by rival gangs, but all are ruled by the Surf Nazi’s fronted by egomaniacal psychopath/former economics major Adolf (a completely scene devouring Barry Brenner) and his second-in-command, Mengele (Michael Sonye, a.k.a. Dukey Flyswatter; punk singer and ’80s exploitation flick regular). Things don’t remain aces for that ghoulish gang for long as they soon take their mischief up a notch when they murder an oil worker named Leroy (Robert Harden)… which sets his mother Elanor (Gail Neely) on a revenge-filled rampage… after she escapes her nursing home! Even if you have never seen Surf Nazis Must Die! I can guarantee that if you stepped foot in any half-way decent Mom and Pop video store in the late ’80s, you

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DanXIII

Mar 19, 2022

From the CryptMoviesReviews

Short Film Review: Twisted Fiction Episode 3: The Witches’ Brew (2022)

Remember a while back when I took a look at two episodes of an anthology series with the handle of Twisted Fiction? If not head here and come back here because I have a hot new review of the new episode; The Witches’ Brew! Major sleazoid/Hollywood producer Howard Castinoff (Leo Goodman) is hot n’ horny to keep the casting couch alive and unwell, and his latest victim is one Sofia Rain (Koko Marshall). With camera and spiked drink in hand, Howie proceeds to both film Sofia’s audition (a powerful, if bizarre choice of monologue) and begin his devious advances… which end suddenly when he sees the image of his pleading daughter during the deed. Turns out Sofia and her pals don’t take that kind o’ shit lightly and our antagonist is soon in for quite the bad time! In the previous episodes of Twisted Fiction we got E.C. horror comic monstrous morality plays by way of the grit and pulp

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DanXIII

Mar 14, 2022

MoviesReviews

Blu-Ray Review: Legend (1985)

The Lord of Darkness (a scene dominating Tim Curry, physically unrecognizable thanks to absolutely jaw-dropping make-up courtesy of Rob Bottin) has retreated to the shadows, banished by the light harbored within the purity of the unicorns that remain hidden only to be found by those possessing total innocence. Once such person is lovesick forest child Jack (a solid and charming performance from a young Tom Cruise), who is so smitten with young Princess Lili (a pre-Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Mia Sara) that he takes her to see said unicorns… and she immediately touches one making it visible to Darkness’ goblins, who then proceed to go apeshit and cut off one of the unicorn’s horns and plunge the world into a winter hellscape while blasting a frozen peasant’s furniture across the room with said horn. I adore this fucking movie! Also I should stop the synopsis for a sec and mention all of the above is cut like a music video,

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DanXIII

Mar 13, 2022

IndieMoviesReviews

DVD Review: Alone With You (2021)

Charlie (Emily Bennett, who also co-wrote and directed this picture along with Justin Brooks) is anxiously awaiting the arrival of her paramour, photographer Simone (Emma Myles) to their Brooklyn apartment after an extended absence. As she awaits, Charlie wanders the apartment, alone, for extended periods of oddly indeterminable time. As the hands of the clock pass, our heroine passes the time via video messaging with her party hardy friend, as well as arguing with her bible-nut mother (Re-animator and From Beyond‘s Barbara Crampton) over the sinfulness of her lifestyle choices (also on computer screen… it’s apparent from the beginning that this film is both Covid-19 metaphor in some respects, as well as being filmed during the pandemic). Of course, this being a fright flick of sorts, Charlie also begins having blood drenched hallucinations and hearing strange voices and screaming coming from the vents… how does this relate to our protagonists’ mental health, and can she piece together why these events

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DanXIII

Mar 5, 2022

MoviesReviewsSci-Fi

Blu-ray Review: Monster from Green Hell (1958)

American scientists Quent Brady (Jim Davis, whom some of you geriatrics may remember from Dallas, but I’ll always think of his turn in 1979’s Charles Band produced sci-fi romp The Day Time Ended when I see his face) and Dan Morgan (Robert Griffin) get their jollies sending all sorts of living creatures into space to test the final frontier’s effects on animals. This gets fucked up lickity-split, and a rocket carrying space-mutated wasps crash lands of the coast of Africa sending the buzzing bastards into the not-at-all foreboding area known as “Green Hell”, where they then proceed to go on a rather unreasonable deadly rampage. Because they caused all of this with their reckless rockets (and were doubtless legally obligated to do so), Brady and Morgan head down Africa way and attempt to put an end to those wicked wasps… and maybe say “I’m sorry” to the families of those that the wasps killed… but probably not… Also there is

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DanXIII

Mar 5, 2022

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: My Stepmother is an Alien (1988)

My Stepmother is an Alien begins with Tom Jones’ cover of Prince’s Kiss, and every woman over the age of 65 within a mile from my dread dwelling spontaneously came. Once that was mopped up, I could carry on with my sinister synopsis… Widowed scientist Steven Mills (Dan Aykroyd) accidentally shoots a beam into space that effects the gravity of a planet light years away. Said planet sends out star-born sex-pot Celeste (Kim Basinger), along with a tentacle in a magic bag, to figure out why some Earth-slug fucked up their planet… but complication arise as Mills becomes so full of the horny for the goofy, off-kilter alien-in-disguise that he beds her and weds her within the space of 24 hours! While being a cheerleader for her Dad’s sex-life, Mills’ daughter Jessie (Buffy alum/band camp story generator Alyson Hannigan, albeit in child format) becomes suspicious of Celeste when she sees her doing weird alien shit like chuggin’ batteries… but not

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DanXIII

Feb 27, 2022

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Deadly Games (1982)

After a little late night titty touch, solo style, a woman is stalked by a heavy breathin’, ski mask wearin’, son of a bitch resulting in her flying out a window to her doom! Meanwhile the victim’s sister Clarissa Jane Louise ‘Keegan’ Smart Ass Goof Ball Lawrence (Jo Ann Harris) returns home and begins hanging out with her ever-horny high school chums… but the good times stop a-rollin’ quick as the masked man strikes again! Now who could that killer be? Is it Billy Owens (Steve Railsback), the chain-smoking, beer keg lamp havin’, cat enthusiast/projectionist/asthma sufferer/board game creator/Nam vet (could you give this mother fucker any more affectations movie?!!)… or how about pervert policeman/counter sitter Roger Lane (Sam Groom)… or could it be someone else entirely? That’s what Keegan will have to figure out if she wants to keep on breathing! Deadly Games you do so much so very right, and a few things so shitty… Let’s start with the

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DanXIII

Feb 19, 2022

IndieMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Ghost Riders (1987)

In 1886, the notorious motherfucker known as Frank Clements (Mike Ammons)… wait, Frank Clements (cue loud as shit record scratch for maximum “laughs”)?!! That’s the name you’d give a wild west outlaw? Not even a “Frightnin’ Frank” Clements… shit, the name sounds like an attorney that could get you off from a drunk driving rap… where the fuck was I? 1886… Frank Clements… oh, yeah, Frank is hung out to dry (literally) by an angry mob lead by one Rev. Thadeous Sutton (Bill Shaw), and he vows unholy revenge on the descendants of those what done him wrong! Fast forward to… whhhooooaa duuuude, it’s the present day, which of course is 1986 as everyone knows. In 1986 we get some high voltage horseshit involving both a geezer, Professor Sutton (Shaw in a dual role) by name, letting two yokels fish on his land intercut with some airport hijinks (the best kind) where we see the high-larious antics of ace pilot/Shooter

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DanXIII

Feb 19, 2022

MoviesReviews

4K UHD Review: Krampus: The Naughty Cut (2015)

The upper middle class, but emotionally struggling, Engel clan (remember that Germanic handle cats n’ creeps) are all ready to weather the holidays, obnoxious extended family in tow… but young Max Engle (Emjay Anthony) has decidedly lost his Christmas spirit thanks almost entirely to his family’s non-stop bitch-o-rama. This results in Max having a conniption fit and tearing this year’s letter to Santa into pieces… therefore damning the entire town to a hell of endless snow and diabolic demons thanks to that tongue-lashin’ Teutonic terror; Krampus! Now the whole Engle fam has to put down the eggnog and take up arms against all manner of yuletide hooligans that bring the ho-ho-horror that will make surviving the holidays a real pain in the mistletoe… toes, feet, arms… pretty much any body part can feel pain… and be eaten like a Christmas goose! Michael Dougherty’s (Trick ‘r Treat) 2015 holiday horror comedy Krampus (presented here on 4K UHD courtesy of Scream Factory’s

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DanXIII

Feb 19, 2022

DanXIII

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