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DanXIII

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Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Wretch (2019)

Nat Harris (Martin L. Washington Jr.), recently sober, is about to rethink that posish as without the booze he begins to see all of the harrowing hallucinations that have plagued his ass for years. Along with that, Nat’s boyfriend Adam has got the full-blown cancer, and is positive he’s going to buy the farm despite Nat’s protestations. Enter: Jean Alexander (Shannon Conley) who owns the hippy-dippy vegan restaurant where Nat works. Speaking of ol’ Joltin’ Jean, she believes our hero has spiritual gifts, and should learn the occult healing juju she’s balls deep into, which is taught by ol’ mystic Pete (Joe Rooney). Long story short; Nat hits the sauce, decides to takes Jean up on her offer, and goes full-on seizure mode in Jean’s basement altar… which is as creepy as it sounds. Soon Nat and Jean press on, and with Pete’s help travel the road of suburban basement majik that results in a drug-fueled world of surreal insanity…

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 26, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Carnival Magic (1983)

Roll up! Roll up! Ye olde flea-pit dirt carnival has rolled into town and is sure to delight only the most desperate of audiences! Attendance notwithstanding this shitty show is kinda doomed anyway as the two “main attractions”, animal battering hot-head tiger trainer Kirk Wylder (Joe Cirillo) and sullen magician Markov (Don Stewart) are butting heads like some mountain goat mother fuckers. While Kirk’s primary talent is being a world-class drunken ass, Markov the Magnificent on the other hand has the ability to mentally communicate with animals, including his hyper-intelligent, super-horny, car driving talking chimp sidekick (and ass grabbing personal trainer) Alexander the Great… for fuck’s sake… oh, and he gives some expert relationship advice on the side… naturally. Anyway, Markov’s act is soon the total shit yo, and is attracting throngs of local-yokels who have doubtless had only such riveting entertainment as “wart counting” and “hog-tickling” as their primary sources of diversion judging by how crazy they go for

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 25, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: When the Wind Blows (1986)

Although When the Wind Blows opens with a rousing ditty by none other than David Bowie himself, you can forget any tight-trouser magic dancin’ from this lil’ nuclear number… Geezers James (John Mills) and Hilda spend their old days doin’ old people shit in their cozy abode in the British countryside. What kind of old people shit you may ask? Why reading the newspaper, listening to the radio… hey, speaking of this mass media, James decides he should pick up some pamphlets regarding how to save one’s ass when the nukes come raining down as the international outlook is looking rather cloudy… mushroom cloudy, as that aforementioned media let’s us know! After reading those loony leaflets, James goes about following all of the patently ridiculous plans detailed within and ends up fuckin’ up their house but good. Long story short, the bombs fall, the advice was right shit, and our heroes realize surviving may have been quite the elephant sized

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 24, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Witches in the Woods (2019)

A gaggle of goofs from UMASS, all of whom are engaged in a love triangle… even though some of them don’t realize it quite yet, head out for a weekend on the ski slopes. Fate however has other plans for our heroes, and one logging truck accident and it’s resulting detour tosses these folks balls-deep into Strandedville: Population: These Assholes. Of course this bit o’ bullshit goes above and beyond the threat of hypothermia, as seemingly supernatural occurrences send both tempers and neck hairs sky high. Will our protagonists be able to survive this arcane assault… and is all what it seems deep within those wicked woods? With Witches in the Woods, director Jordan Barker and screenwriter Christopher Borrelli try to add some new wrinkles to the well-trod road of “kids in the woods encountering pure evil” genre us horror hounds set on such a high pedestal, and to that end they succeed, but there are still some hiccups along

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 19, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Corona Zombies (2020)

Barbie (Cody Renee Cameron) arrives home to discover the world is in the grip of a corona virus outbreak via the nightly news. Unlike the corona based fun n’ games we are currently balls deep in as of the time of this writing, this particular stain turns it’s victims into diseased zombies that terrorize the land with their battlecry: “Corona!” Oh and this sinister sickness originated from Scambell’s soup factory and their bat soup… subtle this mother fucker is definitely not. Meanwhile a paramilitary unit engages the corona zombies in the wild courtesy of footage lifted from Bruno Mattei’s 1980 Italian gut-muncher Hell of the Living Dead (footage from Zombies Vs. Strippers and the actual news is utilized as well). The rest of the film is packed to the revoltin’ rafters with juvenile humor, amazingly un-politically correct nonsense, up-to-the-minute plot points (not the zombies you dumb-ass ass-dumbs… rather it’s the quarantine, precautions we must take, and news footage displayed that

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 14, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Butt Boy (2019)

Chip Gutchell (played by the film’s writer/director Tyler Cornack), who decidedly isn’t livin’ his best life… hell, he’s barely “livin'” at all; his job sucks, his marriage is the pits, and not even a new role as “daddy” has brought him any joy. Oh, and he just booked his first prostate exam. Should go easy seeing as how life is shovin’ it in dry where the sun don’t shine on the daily… And there he finds his life’s true pleasure; having foreign objects jammed up his arse six ways to Sunday… and acts on his new desire like a true champion! Well, fate has more in store for our anal-lovin’ hero as the world’s most stereotypical police detective (slick hair and drinking habit intact) named Russel Fox (Tyler Rice) who is desperate to solve a missing child case… but what does our hero and his chocolate starfish have to do with any of that? Better buckle up for that revelation

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 10, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Verotika (2019)

The arcane anthology Verotika (written and directed by the legendary Glenn Danzig; he of Misfits, Samhain, and solo fame… and based on the comic books he created for his Verotik imprint) begins with an eye-opening introduction from Morella (played with loads of satanic sass by Kayden Kross), a demonic entity that first appeared within the pages of Satanika (issue number eight to be precise, with Mighty Duke Mighten on poison pencils)… shit, did I fail to mention that I’m a titanic fan of both Glenn and his comics? Following our intro we jump to an adaptation of my favorite Verotik series, The Albino Spider of Dajette (which featured kinetic, Aeon Flux-style artwork created by Eric Canete). The basics of the story goes as follows: French model Dajette makes love in her apartment with a man that is ill-prepared to handle her unique deformity… she has eyes in her tits where those good ol’ nipples should be! Said boyfriend ghosts which

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 10, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Penance Lane (2020)

Crimson Matthews (Tyler Mane), is one hard-ass ex-con who is trying his beastly best to turn over a new leaf. To that end he takes on a job as a handyman of sorts working in an arcane abode down Penance Lane way. As fate, and horror tropes, would have it, ol’ cray-cray Crimson discovers that demonic dwelling is home to it’s fair share of deep, dark sinister secrets… secrets the town is none to pleased to have discovered… and they’ll do anything to make sure they remain hidden in the shadows. Has Crimson traded one prison for another as the house begins to gain a hold on our hero? Let’s kick out the fuckin’ joltin’ jams of Penance Lane with some preternatural positives, shall we? First up, the cast assembled here is absolutely first rate. We get Mane (he of Rob Zombie’s Halloween remakes, and the first X-Men flick, who also produced this freaky fracas) as our oddly named hero,

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 8, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind (2020)

The new doc Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind, hosted by Dr. Steven Greer, the world’s foremost authority on all things spaceman related, puts both spiritual belief is being utilized to contact extraterrestrials. Over the course of two hours we are witness to countless footage of alleged spacecraft, interviews, and tales of those that pilot those strange vehicles… and these are not conversations with any ol’ crackpots; no the folks talked to here are some real big brain cats, ya dig? So with all of that intellectual weight behind it, does this doc make the tales presented believable? I have no idea… hows that for a non-answer cats n’ creeps? For real though, if you are a die-hard U.F.O. skeptic, I doubt the evidence presented here will change your mind, but if you like to hold the belief that there is something out there, than this flick is a whole mess of speculative fun! Comprised of a sort of New

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 7, 2020
Horror Fuel

Get a Lizard Lesson from Tristan Risk and Friends!

Hey cats n’ creeps, while you are all cooped up n’ crazy in this wondrous quarantine we all find ourselves stuck in, why not take some time to learn all about a leapin’ lizard or two? And what better way to to do that than courtesy of horror biz icon Tristan Risk (American Mary) and her fiends! Here’s what this whole shebang entails courtesy of the wicked words of Risk herself: “We at Tcs.Reptiles are offering Video Lessons/Workshops on Reptiles! Session lasts about an hour, We go over facts about the reptiles and answer any questions. We understand that a lot of kids are going bonkers for entertainment and wanted to offer something both entertaining AND educational.” Sounds like a noble pursuit indeed! So why not head right here and get some lizard learnin’ jammed into your noxious noggins?!!

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 7, 2020

More from DanXIII

Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Wretch (2019)

Nat Harris (Martin L. Washington Jr.), recently sober, is about to rethink that posish as without the booze he begins to see all of the harrowing hallucinations that have plagued his ass for years. Along with that, Nat’s boyfriend Adam has got the full-blown cancer, and is positive he’s going to buy the farm despite Nat’s protestations. Enter: Jean Alexander (Shannon Conley) who owns the hippy-dippy vegan restaurant where Nat works. Speaking of ol’ Joltin’ Jean, she believes our hero has spiritual gifts, and should learn the occult healing juju she’s balls deep into, which is taught by ol’ mystic Pete (Joe Rooney). Long story short; Nat hits the sauce, decides to takes Jean up on her offer, and goes full-on seizure mode in Jean’s basement altar… which is as creepy as it sounds. Soon Nat and Jean press on, and with Pete’s help travel the road of suburban basement majik that results in a drug-fueled world of surreal insanity…

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 26, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Carnival Magic (1983)

Roll up! Roll up! Ye olde flea-pit dirt carnival has rolled into town and is sure to delight only the most desperate of audiences! Attendance notwithstanding this shitty show is kinda doomed anyway as the two “main attractions”, animal battering hot-head tiger trainer Kirk Wylder (Joe Cirillo) and sullen magician Markov (Don Stewart) are butting heads like some mountain goat mother fuckers. While Kirk’s primary talent is being a world-class drunken ass, Markov the Magnificent on the other hand has the ability to mentally communicate with animals, including his hyper-intelligent, super-horny, car driving talking chimp sidekick (and ass grabbing personal trainer) Alexander the Great… for fuck’s sake… oh, and he gives some expert relationship advice on the side… naturally. Anyway, Markov’s act is soon the total shit yo, and is attracting throngs of local-yokels who have doubtless had only such riveting entertainment as “wart counting” and “hog-tickling” as their primary sources of diversion judging by how crazy they go for

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 25, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: When the Wind Blows (1986)

Although When the Wind Blows opens with a rousing ditty by none other than David Bowie himself, you can forget any tight-trouser magic dancin’ from this lil’ nuclear number… Geezers James (John Mills) and Hilda spend their old days doin’ old people shit in their cozy abode in the British countryside. What kind of old people shit you may ask? Why reading the newspaper, listening to the radio… hey, speaking of this mass media, James decides he should pick up some pamphlets regarding how to save one’s ass when the nukes come raining down as the international outlook is looking rather cloudy… mushroom cloudy, as that aforementioned media let’s us know! After reading those loony leaflets, James goes about following all of the patently ridiculous plans detailed within and ends up fuckin’ up their house but good. Long story short, the bombs fall, the advice was right shit, and our heroes realize surviving may have been quite the elephant sized

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 24, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Witches in the Woods (2019)

A gaggle of goofs from UMASS, all of whom are engaged in a love triangle… even though some of them don’t realize it quite yet, head out for a weekend on the ski slopes. Fate however has other plans for our heroes, and one logging truck accident and it’s resulting detour tosses these folks balls-deep into Strandedville: Population: These Assholes. Of course this bit o’ bullshit goes above and beyond the threat of hypothermia, as seemingly supernatural occurrences send both tempers and neck hairs sky high. Will our protagonists be able to survive this arcane assault… and is all what it seems deep within those wicked woods? With Witches in the Woods, director Jordan Barker and screenwriter Christopher Borrelli try to add some new wrinkles to the well-trod road of “kids in the woods encountering pure evil” genre us horror hounds set on such a high pedestal, and to that end they succeed, but there are still some hiccups along

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 19, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Corona Zombies (2020)

Barbie (Cody Renee Cameron) arrives home to discover the world is in the grip of a corona virus outbreak via the nightly news. Unlike the corona based fun n’ games we are currently balls deep in as of the time of this writing, this particular stain turns it’s victims into diseased zombies that terrorize the land with their battlecry: “Corona!” Oh and this sinister sickness originated from Scambell’s soup factory and their bat soup… subtle this mother fucker is definitely not. Meanwhile a paramilitary unit engages the corona zombies in the wild courtesy of footage lifted from Bruno Mattei’s 1980 Italian gut-muncher Hell of the Living Dead (footage from Zombies Vs. Strippers and the actual news is utilized as well). The rest of the film is packed to the revoltin’ rafters with juvenile humor, amazingly un-politically correct nonsense, up-to-the-minute plot points (not the zombies you dumb-ass ass-dumbs… rather it’s the quarantine, precautions we must take, and news footage displayed that

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 14, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Butt Boy (2019)

Chip Gutchell (played by the film’s writer/director Tyler Cornack), who decidedly isn’t livin’ his best life… hell, he’s barely “livin'” at all; his job sucks, his marriage is the pits, and not even a new role as “daddy” has brought him any joy. Oh, and he just booked his first prostate exam. Should go easy seeing as how life is shovin’ it in dry where the sun don’t shine on the daily… And there he finds his life’s true pleasure; having foreign objects jammed up his arse six ways to Sunday… and acts on his new desire like a true champion! Well, fate has more in store for our anal-lovin’ hero as the world’s most stereotypical police detective (slick hair and drinking habit intact) named Russel Fox (Tyler Rice) who is desperate to solve a missing child case… but what does our hero and his chocolate starfish have to do with any of that? Better buckle up for that revelation

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 10, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Verotika (2019)

The arcane anthology Verotika (written and directed by the legendary Glenn Danzig; he of Misfits, Samhain, and solo fame… and based on the comic books he created for his Verotik imprint) begins with an eye-opening introduction from Morella (played with loads of satanic sass by Kayden Kross), a demonic entity that first appeared within the pages of Satanika (issue number eight to be precise, with Mighty Duke Mighten on poison pencils)… shit, did I fail to mention that I’m a titanic fan of both Glenn and his comics? Following our intro we jump to an adaptation of my favorite Verotik series, The Albino Spider of Dajette (which featured kinetic, Aeon Flux-style artwork created by Eric Canete). The basics of the story goes as follows: French model Dajette makes love in her apartment with a man that is ill-prepared to handle her unique deformity… she has eyes in her tits where those good ol’ nipples should be! Said boyfriend ghosts which

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 10, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Penance Lane (2020)

Crimson Matthews (Tyler Mane), is one hard-ass ex-con who is trying his beastly best to turn over a new leaf. To that end he takes on a job as a handyman of sorts working in an arcane abode down Penance Lane way. As fate, and horror tropes, would have it, ol’ cray-cray Crimson discovers that demonic dwelling is home to it’s fair share of deep, dark sinister secrets… secrets the town is none to pleased to have discovered… and they’ll do anything to make sure they remain hidden in the shadows. Has Crimson traded one prison for another as the house begins to gain a hold on our hero? Let’s kick out the fuckin’ joltin’ jams of Penance Lane with some preternatural positives, shall we? First up, the cast assembled here is absolutely first rate. We get Mane (he of Rob Zombie’s Halloween remakes, and the first X-Men flick, who also produced this freaky fracas) as our oddly named hero,

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 8, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind (2020)

The new doc Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind, hosted by Dr. Steven Greer, the world’s foremost authority on all things spaceman related, puts both spiritual belief is being utilized to contact extraterrestrials. Over the course of two hours we are witness to countless footage of alleged spacecraft, interviews, and tales of those that pilot those strange vehicles… and these are not conversations with any ol’ crackpots; no the folks talked to here are some real big brain cats, ya dig? So with all of that intellectual weight behind it, does this doc make the tales presented believable? I have no idea… hows that for a non-answer cats n’ creeps? For real though, if you are a die-hard U.F.O. skeptic, I doubt the evidence presented here will change your mind, but if you like to hold the belief that there is something out there, than this flick is a whole mess of speculative fun! Comprised of a sort of New

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 7, 2020
Horror Fuel

Get a Lizard Lesson from Tristan Risk and Friends!

Hey cats n’ creeps, while you are all cooped up n’ crazy in this wondrous quarantine we all find ourselves stuck in, why not take some time to learn all about a leapin’ lizard or two? And what better way to to do that than courtesy of horror biz icon Tristan Risk (American Mary) and her fiends! Here’s what this whole shebang entails courtesy of the wicked words of Risk herself: “We at Tcs.Reptiles are offering Video Lessons/Workshops on Reptiles! Session lasts about an hour, We go over facts about the reptiles and answer any questions. We understand that a lot of kids are going bonkers for entertainment and wanted to offer something both entertaining AND educational.” Sounds like a noble pursuit indeed! So why not head right here and get some lizard learnin’ jammed into your noxious noggins?!!

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 7, 2020
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