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Blu-ray Review: Crimson Peak (2015)

Young Edith Cushing (Mia Wasikowska) has a hell of a history with ghosts. As a child she was visited by the nightmarish specter of her recently deceased mother who warns her of the dangers of Crimson Peak…whatever the unholy hell that is. Flash forward, and ol’ Edith is hoping to become the Victorian age’s the next Mary Shelley. Soon a mysterious stranger; the enigmatic Thomas Sharpe (Tom Hiddleston) blows into town and wins Edith’s heart, much to the ire of her father (Jim Beaver). Well soon daddy dearest suffers an “accident” after finding out a sinister secret concerning Sharpe and his sister Lucille (Jessica Chastain), and Edith is whisked away to Sharpe’s dilapidated English manor, Allerdale Hall, as his blushin’ bride. Of course those pesky spirits keep appearing to our heroine, and things are definitely most foul at that arcane abode…and the surrounding land nicknamed Crimson Peak! Will Edith survive her stay within those haunted walls, or come to join

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DanXIII

Dec 23, 2018

IndieMoviesReviewsThriller

Movie Review: Monster Party (2018)

Dodge (Brandon Micheal Hall), Casper (Sean Strike) and Iris (Virginia Gardner) are small potatoes in the crime scene…just a trio o’ pals committing low-level burglaries and the like…but soon they set their eyes on a bigger prize. Ya see, C-dawg’s pops is in some serious shit with a loan shark to whom he owes ten large and the gang gets the neon light idea to pose as caterers and rob a rich AF family, The Dawsons by name, during a din-din shindig being held at their palatial estates while the family is occupied with the festivities at hand. The only problem? These Dawson characters are a weird lot. Patriarch Patrick (Julian McMahon) and son Elliot (Kian Lawley) are off-putting as balls, though to be fair at first glance mother Roxanne (Robin Tunney) and daughter Alexis (Erin Moriarty) are relatively normal. As for the party itself, it’s comprised of only male guests minus one female participant (who desperately asks our faux

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DanXIII

Dec 19, 2018

IndieMoviesReviews

Short Film Review: BFF Girls (2018)

A gaggle of anime otaku femmes (played by Allison Maier, Jessica Shipp, and Syndey Thomas respectively) discuss periods and fend off the pervy advances of their talking cat, Neko Sensei (voiced by Laurence R. Harvey from The Human Centipede sequels). Meanwhile on a planet far away from our own, super pervert Fabuloso Doom (Lawrence Sykkmon) consults with his evil magic mirror (voiced by Dana Snyder) about how he can conquer our comely, though decidedly off-limits legally, heroines and stay eternally young and beautiful…which of course he interprets as a need to consume period blood (as anyone would). To that need he unleashes his evil monster Anti-Flow (Lea Enslin) which triggers our heroines transformation into the BFF (Beautiful Fantasy Flower ) Girls (played by Marilyn Chung, Jessica Nam, Carolann Utley) and a bloody good battle ensues! If you’ve ever wondered what Sailor Moon would be like it it were created by Lloyd Kaufman, and who hasn’t really, BFF Girls is the

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DanXIII

Dec 14, 2018

ForeignMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Brutal (2017)

Butch Bigwave stars as the appropriately named Man, one sick ticket of a dude whose hobbies include kidnapping women, tying them up in his apartment, making their bodies resemble hamburger, then carrying on conversations with their severed heads. Brutal indeed. Meanwhile, a woman only known as…well, Woman (Ayano Oami) carries on in much the same manner as Man, just with male victims ‘natch. As fate would have it, these two meet each other and a bizarre pseudo-romance begins that can only culminate in the ultimate display as violence as sex surrogate ever committed to film! Straight up; Brutal lives up to it’s name a thousand-fold. This flick features some of the most nauseating sequences of bloody gore I’ve seen in a damn sight, and they are presented with gritty realism and practical effects glory. Also, as you can surmise, the basic story itself is as off-kilter as you can get and features genital mutilation, gallons of blood, and a surprisingly

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DanXIII

Dec 11, 2018

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: The Critters Collection (1986 – 1992)

Man oh man I love me some Critters…well the first film anyway. To be truthful, I loved the sequel as well, but only ended up seeing it once or twice, and the third and fourth pics? Well, I know I saw them at some point, but I remember fuck-all about them…but that first film; my lord I must have watched that fifty times in the late eighties alone! So, since it’s obviously waaaay past time for a re-visit to the frightful franchise, and since those delicious devils at Scream Factory have just put out a new Blu-ray collection featuring all for films, we begin my latest revoltin’ review for these hallowed haunted halls! To the surprise of no one we begin with: Critters (1986): A group of intergalactic convicts, who resemble the offspring of Fizzgig mating with a porcupine (and we both know that lil’ bastard totally would too), escape a prison asteroid and land near the farm of young

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DanXIII

Dec 10, 2018

ForeignIndieMoviesReviews

DVD Review: Heavy Trip (2018)

Before I jump into this here review for Heavy Trip, let me state that this is definitely NOT a horror film, rather it is a comedy about black metal, but since metal and horror intersect beautifully…and…and fuck it; I do whatever the shit I want… Turo (Johannes Holopainen), and his friends Pasi (Max Ovaska), Lotvonen (Samuli Jaskio), and Jynkyy (Antti Heikkinen) have been practicing their metal chops in a basement for the better part of 12 years, but Turo’s near paralyzing shyness have kept them from recording original material or performing even a single gig. considered a joke by damn near the entire town, our heroes soon get a chance to play a large metal festival in Norway, and the town begins to change their tune and worship the boys as local legends. Sounds great right? Well, while the promoter of said festival digs their sound (after hearing their demo post-reindeer blood shower…trust me, it makes sense when you see

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DanXIII

Dec 7, 2018

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Creepshow (1982)

Creepshow, or as I like to call it; “The best mother fuckin’ horror anthology ever made…period.” You’ve seen it, I’ve sure as shit have seen it…and I know you probably love it as much as your’s cruelly! Well, it just so happens our devilish compatriots at Scream Factory have just issued a special edition Blu-ray release of ol’ Creepy-baby, and I’m fixin’ to tell you what’s what about that…but first I’ll give a quick sinister synopsis for each story contained within this arcane anthology for all none of you that haven’t seen it… After a brief intro segment where a shit heel of a father (genre icon Tom “Thrill Me” Atkins) smacks his kid Billy (Joe Hill…the son of ol’ Stephen King; who just so happened to pen this fearsome feature, and a hell of a writer himself these days) around for reading horror comics we jump into our first tale: Father’s Day is the story of a wealthy and

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DanXIII

Dec 6, 2018

GamingNewsProductReviews

Review: Things Are Just Ducky In ‘Mutant Year Zero: Road To Eden’!

The creative folks over at The Bearded Ladies and Funcom were nice enough to allow me to review their new real-time strategy game, “Mutant Year Zero: Road to Eden”. This story merges tactical strategy, stealth, and turn-based combat along with exploration and scavenging. Without any spoilers, the story takes place in the future after humanity pretty much messed everything up and years later the new generation is picking up the pieces. The world is known as “the zone” where it’s not safe to be, the only safe place is a haven called the “Ark”. A special group of explorers known as Stalkers ventures out into the zone to gather supplies and ensure that a race of marauders known as the ghouls are kept at bay. Now come our heroes, a mutant boar named Borman and a Dux the duck. While looking for a lost group of stalkers they meet up with one of the missing stalkers, Selma, she looks human

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Capt McNeely

Dec 4, 2018

Holiday HorrorIndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Elves (2018)

A kid gets possessed by an elf, and gets his dunce of a brother to crawl into an oven where then proceeds to cook him. I say “What the fuck?!!”, and thus begins Elves…a sequel to a film I’ve never seen (The Elf for you keeping score at home)… Things kick into high gear once a group of friends open a chest-full of elf dolls at a holiday soiree. Each friend takes an elf with them and before long they get possessed by the effigies who make them suffer for their “naughtiness”…with predictably murderous results. Will anyone survive the arcane ordeal to see next Christmas? First things first, as mentioned up yonder, I had never laid my eerie eyeballs on The Elf, and fortunately Director Jamaal Burden has crafted a simple tale that’s easy to follow for neophytes to the franchise. What you get is a big ol’ slice of fruit cake as our troubled heroes take on the visage

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DanXIII

Dec 2, 2018

Holiday HorrorIndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Slay Belles (2018)

Alexi (Kristina Klebe) heads out with her ultra-bosomy gal pals Dahlia (Susan Slaughter) and Sadie (Hannah Wagner) to help them film the latest installment of their wicked web series Adventure Girls; a show dedicated to exploring abandoned structures…like the recesses of my mind where dignity and shame once did dwell. Out on the road they stop into a local watering hole where they learn kids have turned up slaughtered before heading on to their destination, a dilapidated Christmas based theme park named Santa Land. Once there they meet the kiddie-snatchin’ (and eating) culprit; none other than everyone’s favorite Xmas demon; Krampus…as well as Santa (Barry Bostwick) himself, though he is more of a brawlin’, boozin’ , biker-type rather than the jolly ol’ St. Nick we have become accustomed to. Now it’s up to our comely heroines and Santa to put an end to that Germanic terror’s reign of evil…fuck, we are all going to die, aren’t we? As you may

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DanXIII

Dec 1, 2018

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