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DanXIII

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Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Panther Squad (1984)

The New Organization Of Nations, or N.O.O.N. if you are one of those sick, sick bastards that need to abbreviate things… has a wild hair about winning the space race… too bad the terrorist group Clean Space have gone all commando and began causing static for N.O.O.N. up to and including kidnapping a lady astronaut. N.O.O.N. is N.O.N.E. too thrilled about this turn of events, so they bring in Ilona (Sybil Danning), leader of the all-girl ass-kickers known as The Panther Squad… you know, they of the skimpy costumes, bedazzled and exclusively worn with bikinis underneath… to rip Clean Space a new asshole! Boobs, bloodshed, and a motorcycle with a cute as balls duckie painted on it follow in equal measure… oh, and there’s a laser gun in there too because fuck yeah, that’s why! Coming from those paragons of cinematic top-shelfery, Eurocine (who also brought us the equally batshit insane Zombie Lake), Panther Squad is an absolute scream of

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 3, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Exit (2020)

Steve (Billy James Machin) and Michelle (Leonarda Sahani) book an apartment in the city. sounds prosaic enough, but the establishment’s owner Russell (Tony Denham) has double booked that mother fucker and a second couple Christophe (Christophe Delesques) and Adrienne (Charlotte Gould) plan on poppin’ a squat there as well. But ol’ Russ cooks up a solution with the quickness; they can share the space tonight and he’ll comp a second apartment the next day. Crammed in that room, our heroes get down to brass tacks… mainly feeling all tense and shit, but some drink n’ drugs cure that… but with that comes some mind games and fuckin’… and that hoary ol’ chestnut; brutal violence. So, who will survive long enough to take advantage of Russell’s gratis pad? Featuring a vibe akin to ’70s cinema, and some lighting that will give giallo fans some tightness in the crotch of their collective trousers, Exit is a fascinating anomaly in the horror biz

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 31, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Teacher Shortage (2020)

Ten years ago, a bullied student kills herself in the school bathroom with a lil’ jagged glass to the throat routine… Fast forward a decade, and at said institution, that alliterative muv-fuck Sue Steel (Debra Lamb) is throwing her annual shindig for her peers in Ye Olde English Department at her pad. Things are a bit strained at the soiree for sure… but shit is going to be a tad more tense right quick, as a maniac has crashed the party, and that right bastard is lugging around a yearbook from ten years previous! The main thing Teacher Shortage has going for it is writer/director Troy Escamilla’s love of ’80s slasher flicks (which also provides us with a negative as well, but we’ll get to that shit in due time boils n’ ghouls)… my dude digs on the genre the most, and it shows… it also gives the film a great deal of heart, which goes a loooong way with

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 30, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Edge of the Axe (1988)

Bizarre-ass motorcycle ridin’ computer expert Gerald (Barton Faulks), and his equally off-putting pal Richard Simmons… wait… what the fuck now? Anyway, this Richard Simmons (Page Mosely), is an exterminator by trade… though philanderer is his main occupation, and he spends his time with Ger-bear trying to score some trim, drinking beer, playing video games, and finding corpses left in the wake of a masked lunatic on a kill spree/pig bothering sesh. Soon ol’ Jerry hooks up with a comely video game lovin’ barmaid named Lillian (Christina Marie Lane)… but our heroine has a past; as a little squirt, she pushed her cuz off a swing set and fucked him up but good, and my dude just got sprung from the nuthouse! Before long, the chase is on to figure out the killer’s identity and end his reign of terror… and no one is quite what they seem! Edge of the Axe is a surreal, pseudo-giallo that really delivers an off-kilter

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 29, 2020
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Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: House by the Cemetery (1981)

Hot shot New York City doctor Norman Boyle (Paolo Malco) takes over the investigation of a historical home down Massachusetts way started by his pal Dr. Petersen, who just so happens to have offed himself after making his mistress extinct. I certainly hope the former owner of the house had nothing to do with all that unpleasantness… Anyhow, ol’ Norm packs up his wife Lucy (the loverly Catriona MacColl) and his son Bob (who has been having all manner of weird psychic connections to the house in the form of communications with an odd little girl named Mae (Silvia Collatina)… which as strange as that is, doesn’t even come close to matching the blazing nonsense that is his voice in the English dub) and heads to Mass to take up residence in that dread dwelling. One deranged babysitter (Ania Pieroni) and a trip to the basement later, and it becomes clear that the malevolent presence of the house’s previous owner

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 25, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: A Stranger Among the Living

Henry (Jake Milton) would rather spend his time in the limelight than enriching young minds. To that end, he plays hooky from work to go on an audition an inadvertently initiates Operation: Save Ass as a student goes hog wild shooting up the school. Soon, ol’ Hank makes like Haley Joel circa ’99 and seeing dead folk everywhere. This leads to a bit of the soul searchin’ bag as our hero has to deal with the voices of the dead and the worth of pursuing his desires… oh, and those ghost-toasties are quite miffed because our “hero” knew the shooter was a bit “off”, but never alerted anyone. Smooth move Ex-lax. A Stranger Among the Living is not your average ghost story boils n’ ghouls. Rather, what we get from writer/director Chris Moore is an atmospheric, Twilight Zone style slow burn (at times this works against the film as explained below) that teaches us that people can be haunted as

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 21, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The House That Jack Built (2018)

Jack (Matt Dillon) is one of your normal failed architect and arch-sociopath types that you see practically everywhere these days. But this is the 70’s so maybe that was less common then… So Jack; he’s a burgeoning serial killer looking to make one hell of an artistic statement with his murder biz. Over the course of twelve years, Jack builds on his previous mayhem in more and more audacious (read: highly noticeable) ways which attract the attention of the local po-po something fierce. What will fate (and other forces) have in store for Jack? I’m laying it on the line, The House That Jack Built is at times funny, stomach churning, and gore drenched, and at all times ultra-misogynistic, but no matter how brutal things get… and holy fucking fuck do they… it remains relentlessly watchable. The reason for that lies squarely on Matt Dillon. While often depicted as comedic and surface level likable, sympathy is not something we are

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 20, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: The Siren (2019)

Pious mute Tom (Evan Dumouchel) goes on a sabbatical to one of those remote lake houses that are all the rage with kids ages 18 to 54. Seems all well and good, but the location is an odd choice for our hero seeing as he had a water related tragedy as a youth that resulted in his current malady. Once he makes the scene he meets Al (MacLeod Andrews), whose husband drowned in the local lake… as have many. Al thinks there’s a mystery afoot… a mystery perhaps related to a woman named Nina (Margaret Ying Drake) who often swims to the cabin and chats with tom who has become all cat with a shiny object with the lass, who as fate and this movie would have it may be more than she seems. So what makes The Siren worth your time? Let’s start with the performances of Dumouchel, Drake, and Andrews. Dumouchel is absolutely amazing to watch in a

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 20, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Mommy (1995) and Mommy 2 (1997)

“Mommy” (Patty McCormick, unofficially reprising her role from 1956’s The Bad Seed) is a dotting mother to young Jessica Ann (Rachel Lemieux)… and nothing, and I mean nothing will stand in the way of her daughter being a success. To wit: when Jessica fails to win the ‘Student of the Year’ award she straight up murders the girl’s teacher (Star Trek‘s Majel Barrett) and makes it look like an accident. This attracts the attention of hard-ass Lt. March (The Exorcist‘s Father Karras himself, Jason Miller)… but that does little, okay… absolutely zero, to stop this psycho from murdering even more folks that give Jessie static. Speaking of our favorite tyke, she gets wind of mommy’s wicked ways (I mean it’s hard not to when your mother blasts holes in someone right in front of you)… but the lethal lady’s silver tongue manages to initiate “Operation: Save Ass” with the quickness. Will Jessica Ann come to her senses and help justice

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 18, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Get Gone (2019)

The Maxwells, lead by Don (Robert Miano) and his wife Mama (Lin Shaye), are one hell of a fucked-up family livin’ it up Hills Have Eyes style on polluted government land, deformed offspring and all. Of course these fine fiends have become the stuff of urban legend which leads us to our heroes… Enter: a hoax busting group on a team-building retreat… a group whose ranks include a few hoax busters going rogue from the group and finding themselves balls deep in Monstrous Maxwell territory. This of course pisses the Maxwell’s off right proper… but perhaps not as much as ye olde drilling company asshats making the scene to eject the Maxwells off the land. Violence ensues. Writer/Director Michael Thomas Daniel pulls of a horror biz miracle with Get Gone as he takes a rather derivative concept and makes some fright flick gold out of that there sinister straw! We get a heady stew of slasher, suspense, and even the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 17, 2020

More from DanXIII

Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Panther Squad (1984)

The New Organization Of Nations, or N.O.O.N. if you are one of those sick, sick bastards that need to abbreviate things… has a wild hair about winning the space race… too bad the terrorist group Clean Space have gone all commando and began causing static for N.O.O.N. up to and including kidnapping a lady astronaut. N.O.O.N. is N.O.N.E. too thrilled about this turn of events, so they bring in Ilona (Sybil Danning), leader of the all-girl ass-kickers known as The Panther Squad… you know, they of the skimpy costumes, bedazzled and exclusively worn with bikinis underneath… to rip Clean Space a new asshole! Boobs, bloodshed, and a motorcycle with a cute as balls duckie painted on it follow in equal measure… oh, and there’s a laser gun in there too because fuck yeah, that’s why! Coming from those paragons of cinematic top-shelfery, Eurocine (who also brought us the equally batshit insane Zombie Lake), Panther Squad is an absolute scream of

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 3, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Exit (2020)

Steve (Billy James Machin) and Michelle (Leonarda Sahani) book an apartment in the city. sounds prosaic enough, but the establishment’s owner Russell (Tony Denham) has double booked that mother fucker and a second couple Christophe (Christophe Delesques) and Adrienne (Charlotte Gould) plan on poppin’ a squat there as well. But ol’ Russ cooks up a solution with the quickness; they can share the space tonight and he’ll comp a second apartment the next day. Crammed in that room, our heroes get down to brass tacks… mainly feeling all tense and shit, but some drink n’ drugs cure that… but with that comes some mind games and fuckin’… and that hoary ol’ chestnut; brutal violence. So, who will survive long enough to take advantage of Russell’s gratis pad? Featuring a vibe akin to ’70s cinema, and some lighting that will give giallo fans some tightness in the crotch of their collective trousers, Exit is a fascinating anomaly in the horror biz

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 31, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Teacher Shortage (2020)

Ten years ago, a bullied student kills herself in the school bathroom with a lil’ jagged glass to the throat routine… Fast forward a decade, and at said institution, that alliterative muv-fuck Sue Steel (Debra Lamb) is throwing her annual shindig for her peers in Ye Olde English Department at her pad. Things are a bit strained at the soiree for sure… but shit is going to be a tad more tense right quick, as a maniac has crashed the party, and that right bastard is lugging around a yearbook from ten years previous! The main thing Teacher Shortage has going for it is writer/director Troy Escamilla’s love of ’80s slasher flicks (which also provides us with a negative as well, but we’ll get to that shit in due time boils n’ ghouls)… my dude digs on the genre the most, and it shows… it also gives the film a great deal of heart, which goes a loooong way with

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 30, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Edge of the Axe (1988)

Bizarre-ass motorcycle ridin’ computer expert Gerald (Barton Faulks), and his equally off-putting pal Richard Simmons… wait… what the fuck now? Anyway, this Richard Simmons (Page Mosely), is an exterminator by trade… though philanderer is his main occupation, and he spends his time with Ger-bear trying to score some trim, drinking beer, playing video games, and finding corpses left in the wake of a masked lunatic on a kill spree/pig bothering sesh. Soon ol’ Jerry hooks up with a comely video game lovin’ barmaid named Lillian (Christina Marie Lane)… but our heroine has a past; as a little squirt, she pushed her cuz off a swing set and fucked him up but good, and my dude just got sprung from the nuthouse! Before long, the chase is on to figure out the killer’s identity and end his reign of terror… and no one is quite what they seem! Edge of the Axe is a surreal, pseudo-giallo that really delivers an off-kilter

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 29, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: House by the Cemetery (1981)

Hot shot New York City doctor Norman Boyle (Paolo Malco) takes over the investigation of a historical home down Massachusetts way started by his pal Dr. Petersen, who just so happens to have offed himself after making his mistress extinct. I certainly hope the former owner of the house had nothing to do with all that unpleasantness… Anyhow, ol’ Norm packs up his wife Lucy (the loverly Catriona MacColl) and his son Bob (who has been having all manner of weird psychic connections to the house in the form of communications with an odd little girl named Mae (Silvia Collatina)… which as strange as that is, doesn’t even come close to matching the blazing nonsense that is his voice in the English dub) and heads to Mass to take up residence in that dread dwelling. One deranged babysitter (Ania Pieroni) and a trip to the basement later, and it becomes clear that the malevolent presence of the house’s previous owner

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 25, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: A Stranger Among the Living

Henry (Jake Milton) would rather spend his time in the limelight than enriching young minds. To that end, he plays hooky from work to go on an audition an inadvertently initiates Operation: Save Ass as a student goes hog wild shooting up the school. Soon, ol’ Hank makes like Haley Joel circa ’99 and seeing dead folk everywhere. This leads to a bit of the soul searchin’ bag as our hero has to deal with the voices of the dead and the worth of pursuing his desires… oh, and those ghost-toasties are quite miffed because our “hero” knew the shooter was a bit “off”, but never alerted anyone. Smooth move Ex-lax. A Stranger Among the Living is not your average ghost story boils n’ ghouls. Rather, what we get from writer/director Chris Moore is an atmospheric, Twilight Zone style slow burn (at times this works against the film as explained below) that teaches us that people can be haunted as

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 21, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The House That Jack Built (2018)

Jack (Matt Dillon) is one of your normal failed architect and arch-sociopath types that you see practically everywhere these days. But this is the 70’s so maybe that was less common then… So Jack; he’s a burgeoning serial killer looking to make one hell of an artistic statement with his murder biz. Over the course of twelve years, Jack builds on his previous mayhem in more and more audacious (read: highly noticeable) ways which attract the attention of the local po-po something fierce. What will fate (and other forces) have in store for Jack? I’m laying it on the line, The House That Jack Built is at times funny, stomach churning, and gore drenched, and at all times ultra-misogynistic, but no matter how brutal things get… and holy fucking fuck do they… it remains relentlessly watchable. The reason for that lies squarely on Matt Dillon. While often depicted as comedic and surface level likable, sympathy is not something we are

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 20, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: The Siren (2019)

Pious mute Tom (Evan Dumouchel) goes on a sabbatical to one of those remote lake houses that are all the rage with kids ages 18 to 54. Seems all well and good, but the location is an odd choice for our hero seeing as he had a water related tragedy as a youth that resulted in his current malady. Once he makes the scene he meets Al (MacLeod Andrews), whose husband drowned in the local lake… as have many. Al thinks there’s a mystery afoot… a mystery perhaps related to a woman named Nina (Margaret Ying Drake) who often swims to the cabin and chats with tom who has become all cat with a shiny object with the lass, who as fate and this movie would have it may be more than she seems. So what makes The Siren worth your time? Let’s start with the performances of Dumouchel, Drake, and Andrews. Dumouchel is absolutely amazing to watch in a

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 20, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Mommy (1995) and Mommy 2 (1997)

“Mommy” (Patty McCormick, unofficially reprising her role from 1956’s The Bad Seed) is a dotting mother to young Jessica Ann (Rachel Lemieux)… and nothing, and I mean nothing will stand in the way of her daughter being a success. To wit: when Jessica fails to win the ‘Student of the Year’ award she straight up murders the girl’s teacher (Star Trek‘s Majel Barrett) and makes it look like an accident. This attracts the attention of hard-ass Lt. March (The Exorcist‘s Father Karras himself, Jason Miller)… but that does little, okay… absolutely zero, to stop this psycho from murdering even more folks that give Jessie static. Speaking of our favorite tyke, she gets wind of mommy’s wicked ways (I mean it’s hard not to when your mother blasts holes in someone right in front of you)… but the lethal lady’s silver tongue manages to initiate “Operation: Save Ass” with the quickness. Will Jessica Ann come to her senses and help justice

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 18, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Get Gone (2019)

The Maxwells, lead by Don (Robert Miano) and his wife Mama (Lin Shaye), are one hell of a fucked-up family livin’ it up Hills Have Eyes style on polluted government land, deformed offspring and all. Of course these fine fiends have become the stuff of urban legend which leads us to our heroes… Enter: a hoax busting group on a team-building retreat… a group whose ranks include a few hoax busters going rogue from the group and finding themselves balls deep in Monstrous Maxwell territory. This of course pisses the Maxwell’s off right proper… but perhaps not as much as ye olde drilling company asshats making the scene to eject the Maxwells off the land. Violence ensues. Writer/Director Michael Thomas Daniel pulls of a horror biz miracle with Get Gone as he takes a rather derivative concept and makes some fright flick gold out of that there sinister straw! We get a heady stew of slasher, suspense, and even the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jan 17, 2020
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