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DanXIII

1,294 stories
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Mind Games (1989)

The Lund family are exactly one pussy hair from heading straight into a divorce, so what do they do? Cram themselves into an RV and go on a jaunt through every campsite straight through California way. At one such wooded wonder the youngest Lund, Kevin (Matt Norero), encounters a man, Eric (Maxwell Caulfield) messin’ with his flute… surprisingly a real wood wind and not the “skin” variety you may assume. Anyway, this kid is desperate for a friend, so he immediately becomes infatuated with the dude, and before long the handsome hitchhiker is along for the ride. Small problem, Eric is a complete psycho that loves breaking into people’s homes while they are away and thrashing the place six ways to Sunday… and he uses a combination of threats and charm to get Kevin to join his passion project. As is the way of things, ol’ Eric soon begins slippin’ the D to the family matriarch Rita (Shawn Weatherly), and

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Mar 1, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Guns Akimbo (2019)

Miles (Daniel Radcliffe), is a real nerds nerd… a trolling mother fucker of a game designer, who loves nothing more than pissing off the fanatics of “Skizm”, a deathmatch club streamed live online. As one would guess, Miles luck in the ball bustin’ game only lasts so long, and he pisses off the wrong motherfucker and winds up with guns surgically added to his hands in a manner most crude, which makes him a perfect candidate to participate in Skizm whether he wants to or not. Sounds like a total shit show… but it’s going to get a ‘titch worse as our hero soon finds himself in a life and death struggle with Skizm’s best, the violence crazed maniac Nix (Samara Weaving). Akinbo ensues… and carnage. Mostly the latter. the first thing you may notice about Guns akimbo is that the film’s writer/director Jason Lei Howden (Deathgasm) has infused the comic book style proceedings with enough panache and flair to

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 23, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Night of Open Sex (1983)

Moira (Lina Romay) spends her time whorin’ it up and flickin’ her bean on stage… oh and torturing a woman with a curling iron to the (heavily) bearded clam to extract information regarding a stash of gold belonging to a dying Nazi general (Albino Graziani) for her sleazy boyfriend Vic (Miguel Aristu)… as any girl does. Anyhow, that Nazi gold plot comes back here and there, but the real focus here is on showcasing a ton of drum solo scored sex, including extended masturbation scenes with Moira front and center (often gyratin’ away as that all time family favorite tune “The Taste of Your Sperm” rocks n’ rolls it’s way into our hearts and trousers). Eventually gold or some shit… sex! Filled to the bouncin’ boobie brim with baffling choices you simply won’t believe, Jess Franco has really outdone himself with Night of Open Sex… a film that includes Nazis, Gregorian monk chant style music playing over steamy lesbian sex,

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 23, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Cries of Pleasure (1983)

A body is found floating in a pool as mute simpleton Fenul (Juan Cózar… who also serves as our narrator, lack of speech be damned) strums his gee-tar. Thus begins another loose as a goose adaptation of the writings of pervert par excellence the Marquis De Sade as seen through the leering lens of exploitation maestro Jess Franco. Anyway, Fenul’s job seems to actually be fiddling with his instrument within the walls of his employer, the playboy Antonio’s (Robert Foster) lush mountaintop villa. Speaking of Ant, this mother fucker lives to screw… everyone from his maid (whom he raped as a child, and now is desperately in love with him… yeah… ), to his houseguest Julia (Franco muse Lina Romay) gets the ol’ peen… and to top it off, he’s married to mega-rich Martina (Rocío Freixas), who just got sprung from the loony bin. Insanity, dirty dealings (Antonio plans on pleasuring his wife to death and absconding with her loot),

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 22, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Killer Weekend

A group of friends, fairly large idiots one and all, decide to partake in a paint ball/survival game fracas where the staff pretend to be the living dead. Unfortunately for a member of said staff, one of the blokes gets a little too into the goings-on and ends up stabbed to death (accidentally) by our gang of goofs. This of course causes our heroes to hatch a screwy plan to hide what they’ve done from the rest off the staff… and hopefully that goes well because they are rather unhinged en masse! Let’s waste no time diving into the mixed bag that is Killer Weekend. While amusing at times, most of the characters on display here are pretty interchangable, and at times pretty unlikable, which is definitely a bit of a minus in a horror comedy where you are supposed to sympathize with the dire straits the characters find themselves in. To be fair, when they are “on” they are

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 22, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: One Missed Call Trilogy (2003 – 2006)

Those rascally rascals over at Arrow Video have gone and collected some choice cuts of J-horror and put them in one handy dandy creepy collection with the new One Missed Call Trilogy set and your’s cruelly is going to go through that shizz step by step! In 2003’s One Missed Call, Yumi (Ko Shibasaki) and her gal pal Yoko (Anna Nagata) experience a phone call from the future featuring Yoko herself sounding like she’s in some dire fuckin’ straits! to make matters worse, ol’ Yoko finds out she can’t fly when she takes a flying leap off an overpass on the date the call originated from, and more of Yumi’s pals fall victim to a similar fearsome fate! It’s soon up to Yumi to try and end this evil business while dealing with her traumatic past… but can she do it before the curse catches up to her? Directed by that madman maestro Takshi Miike (Audition, Gozu, Ichi The Killer),

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 22, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Clown Fear (2020)

Carlee ( Sadie Katz who co-wrote the film along with director Minh Collins) decides gettin’ hitched ain’t her bag (mainly because her future beau is a D-bag) and ditches her wedding along with a cadre of bridesmaids. Their flight takes them waaaay off the beaten path and they find themselves at a motor inn run by a cult comprised of some of those creepy mother fuckin’ clowns that are all the rage with Irish women between the ages of 21 and 37 named Aoibhinn. Anyway, those damn clowns have had a firm grip on the entire territory for centuries, and now they are making these ladies’ day hell six ways to Sunday! Now which, if any, of our comely heroines will survive these grease paint ghouls… So what works, what doesn’t, and is Clown Fear worth your time? Glad you mother fuckers asked… even if you didn’t. So firmly in the “plus” column is the acting present in this terror

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 17, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Point (1971)

Dig on this y’all; in a kingdom where everything has a point (think a whole ass-load of triangles folks) a boy with a round head named Oblio (The Brady Bunch‘s Mike Lookinland) is having a tough go of it. You see, unlike everyone else in the kingdom, he has no point (real subtle film… real subtle), and when he beats the son of a powerful Count (Lennie Weinrib) at that classic pastime, the triangle toss, his ass is kicked out of the kingdom with the quickness. Oblio arrives in the Pointless Forest and goes on a surreal journey (which is saying something considering what proceeds these events) where he begins to learn, through interactions with the bizarre creatures that inhabit the land, that everything does have a point, even if it isn’t obvious. The Point is nothing if not completely charming… and more than just a little delightfully whacked out, and of course it’s message of everyone has meaning and

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 13, 2020
Horror Fuel

CD Review: Killection Lordi (2020)

Lordi; those monsters of metal have entertained us hard rockin’ horror hounds for years… I mean these mother fuckers were created for us, by one of our own… and they are glorious ghouls one and all (and come the fuck on; how can you not adore a rippin’ guitar solo performed by a mummy)! Now, I know there are some of you out there who may not know just who, or more appropriately what, the fuck I am talking about, so here’s a lil’ visual aid… Friggin’ wild, right? Well let me tell ya, they play music as flat out awesome as they look… but after a myriad of albums containing creepy collections of cacophonous creations, Lordi may have topped themselves with their latest offering; Killection an alternate reality greatest hits from many decades the band never actually existed in… The key here cats n’ creeps is variety! Over the length of 15 terror tracks we get a heady mix

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 11, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Thorns for Flowers (2016)

Psychic Leo (Vance Clemente) is hired by the local po-po to help them solve the slight problem they have with a maniac ripping women walking home alone at night new assholes six ways to Sunday. As he tries to determine just who will be next, Leo meets Catherine (Samantha Strelitz) who has been voted “Most Likely to Die Next”, and quickly falls in love with her. This would create obvious problems in and of itself, but their kissy-kissy is really going to be put to the test after the discovery of a preternatural hole in the ground that’ll really test their mettle but good! Written and directed by Anthony de Lioncourt, Thorns for Flowers is a bit of an all things for everyone affair. You get some drama, some thriller, some occult, a love story… and it’s a period piece (circa the ’70s to be percise) on top of all of that. So does it blend all of these ingredients

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 10, 2020

More from DanXIII

Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Mind Games (1989)

The Lund family are exactly one pussy hair from heading straight into a divorce, so what do they do? Cram themselves into an RV and go on a jaunt through every campsite straight through California way. At one such wooded wonder the youngest Lund, Kevin (Matt Norero), encounters a man, Eric (Maxwell Caulfield) messin’ with his flute… surprisingly a real wood wind and not the “skin” variety you may assume. Anyway, this kid is desperate for a friend, so he immediately becomes infatuated with the dude, and before long the handsome hitchhiker is along for the ride. Small problem, Eric is a complete psycho that loves breaking into people’s homes while they are away and thrashing the place six ways to Sunday… and he uses a combination of threats and charm to get Kevin to join his passion project. As is the way of things, ol’ Eric soon begins slippin’ the D to the family matriarch Rita (Shawn Weatherly), and

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Mar 1, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Guns Akimbo (2019)

Miles (Daniel Radcliffe), is a real nerds nerd… a trolling mother fucker of a game designer, who loves nothing more than pissing off the fanatics of “Skizm”, a deathmatch club streamed live online. As one would guess, Miles luck in the ball bustin’ game only lasts so long, and he pisses off the wrong motherfucker and winds up with guns surgically added to his hands in a manner most crude, which makes him a perfect candidate to participate in Skizm whether he wants to or not. Sounds like a total shit show… but it’s going to get a ‘titch worse as our hero soon finds himself in a life and death struggle with Skizm’s best, the violence crazed maniac Nix (Samara Weaving). Akinbo ensues… and carnage. Mostly the latter. the first thing you may notice about Guns akimbo is that the film’s writer/director Jason Lei Howden (Deathgasm) has infused the comic book style proceedings with enough panache and flair to

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 23, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Night of Open Sex (1983)

Moira (Lina Romay) spends her time whorin’ it up and flickin’ her bean on stage… oh and torturing a woman with a curling iron to the (heavily) bearded clam to extract information regarding a stash of gold belonging to a dying Nazi general (Albino Graziani) for her sleazy boyfriend Vic (Miguel Aristu)… as any girl does. Anyhow, that Nazi gold plot comes back here and there, but the real focus here is on showcasing a ton of drum solo scored sex, including extended masturbation scenes with Moira front and center (often gyratin’ away as that all time family favorite tune “The Taste of Your Sperm” rocks n’ rolls it’s way into our hearts and trousers). Eventually gold or some shit… sex! Filled to the bouncin’ boobie brim with baffling choices you simply won’t believe, Jess Franco has really outdone himself with Night of Open Sex… a film that includes Nazis, Gregorian monk chant style music playing over steamy lesbian sex,

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 23, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Cries of Pleasure (1983)

A body is found floating in a pool as mute simpleton Fenul (Juan Cózar… who also serves as our narrator, lack of speech be damned) strums his gee-tar. Thus begins another loose as a goose adaptation of the writings of pervert par excellence the Marquis De Sade as seen through the leering lens of exploitation maestro Jess Franco. Anyway, Fenul’s job seems to actually be fiddling with his instrument within the walls of his employer, the playboy Antonio’s (Robert Foster) lush mountaintop villa. Speaking of Ant, this mother fucker lives to screw… everyone from his maid (whom he raped as a child, and now is desperately in love with him… yeah… ), to his houseguest Julia (Franco muse Lina Romay) gets the ol’ peen… and to top it off, he’s married to mega-rich Martina (Rocío Freixas), who just got sprung from the loony bin. Insanity, dirty dealings (Antonio plans on pleasuring his wife to death and absconding with her loot),

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 22, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Killer Weekend

A group of friends, fairly large idiots one and all, decide to partake in a paint ball/survival game fracas where the staff pretend to be the living dead. Unfortunately for a member of said staff, one of the blokes gets a little too into the goings-on and ends up stabbed to death (accidentally) by our gang of goofs. This of course causes our heroes to hatch a screwy plan to hide what they’ve done from the rest off the staff… and hopefully that goes well because they are rather unhinged en masse! Let’s waste no time diving into the mixed bag that is Killer Weekend. While amusing at times, most of the characters on display here are pretty interchangable, and at times pretty unlikable, which is definitely a bit of a minus in a horror comedy where you are supposed to sympathize with the dire straits the characters find themselves in. To be fair, when they are “on” they are

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 22, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: One Missed Call Trilogy (2003 – 2006)

Those rascally rascals over at Arrow Video have gone and collected some choice cuts of J-horror and put them in one handy dandy creepy collection with the new One Missed Call Trilogy set and your’s cruelly is going to go through that shizz step by step! In 2003’s One Missed Call, Yumi (Ko Shibasaki) and her gal pal Yoko (Anna Nagata) experience a phone call from the future featuring Yoko herself sounding like she’s in some dire fuckin’ straits! to make matters worse, ol’ Yoko finds out she can’t fly when she takes a flying leap off an overpass on the date the call originated from, and more of Yumi’s pals fall victim to a similar fearsome fate! It’s soon up to Yumi to try and end this evil business while dealing with her traumatic past… but can she do it before the curse catches up to her? Directed by that madman maestro Takshi Miike (Audition, Gozu, Ichi The Killer),

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 22, 2020
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Clown Fear (2020)

Carlee ( Sadie Katz who co-wrote the film along with director Minh Collins) decides gettin’ hitched ain’t her bag (mainly because her future beau is a D-bag) and ditches her wedding along with a cadre of bridesmaids. Their flight takes them waaaay off the beaten path and they find themselves at a motor inn run by a cult comprised of some of those creepy mother fuckin’ clowns that are all the rage with Irish women between the ages of 21 and 37 named Aoibhinn. Anyway, those damn clowns have had a firm grip on the entire territory for centuries, and now they are making these ladies’ day hell six ways to Sunday! Now which, if any, of our comely heroines will survive these grease paint ghouls… So what works, what doesn’t, and is Clown Fear worth your time? Glad you mother fuckers asked… even if you didn’t. So firmly in the “plus” column is the acting present in this terror

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 17, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The Point (1971)

Dig on this y’all; in a kingdom where everything has a point (think a whole ass-load of triangles folks) a boy with a round head named Oblio (The Brady Bunch‘s Mike Lookinland) is having a tough go of it. You see, unlike everyone else in the kingdom, he has no point (real subtle film… real subtle), and when he beats the son of a powerful Count (Lennie Weinrib) at that classic pastime, the triangle toss, his ass is kicked out of the kingdom with the quickness. Oblio arrives in the Pointless Forest and goes on a surreal journey (which is saying something considering what proceeds these events) where he begins to learn, through interactions with the bizarre creatures that inhabit the land, that everything does have a point, even if it isn’t obvious. The Point is nothing if not completely charming… and more than just a little delightfully whacked out, and of course it’s message of everyone has meaning and

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 13, 2020
Horror Fuel

CD Review: Killection Lordi (2020)

Lordi; those monsters of metal have entertained us hard rockin’ horror hounds for years… I mean these mother fuckers were created for us, by one of our own… and they are glorious ghouls one and all (and come the fuck on; how can you not adore a rippin’ guitar solo performed by a mummy)! Now, I know there are some of you out there who may not know just who, or more appropriately what, the fuck I am talking about, so here’s a lil’ visual aid… Friggin’ wild, right? Well let me tell ya, they play music as flat out awesome as they look… but after a myriad of albums containing creepy collections of cacophonous creations, Lordi may have topped themselves with their latest offering; Killection an alternate reality greatest hits from many decades the band never actually existed in… The key here cats n’ creeps is variety! Over the length of 15 terror tracks we get a heady mix

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 11, 2020
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Thorns for Flowers (2016)

Psychic Leo (Vance Clemente) is hired by the local po-po to help them solve the slight problem they have with a maniac ripping women walking home alone at night new assholes six ways to Sunday. As he tries to determine just who will be next, Leo meets Catherine (Samantha Strelitz) who has been voted “Most Likely to Die Next”, and quickly falls in love with her. This would create obvious problems in and of itself, but their kissy-kissy is really going to be put to the test after the discovery of a preternatural hole in the ground that’ll really test their mettle but good! Written and directed by Anthony de Lioncourt, Thorns for Flowers is a bit of an all things for everyone affair. You get some drama, some thriller, some occult, a love story… and it’s a period piece (circa the ’70s to be percise) on top of all of that. So does it blend all of these ingredients

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Feb 10, 2020
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