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DanXIII

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Blu-ray Review: Killer Crocodile (1989)

Surely riding on the shit-hot success of that legendary legend Jaws: The Revenge or the announcement of an upcoming sequel to Alligator; Italy birthed Killer Crocodile… a film that features a killer crocodile (I mean c’mon, it’s right there in the title folks)… and a fuckin’ huge one to boot! When a group of youngish(?)… they could be anywhere from twenty to forty depending on the light and angle… environmentalists go fucking around in a toxic waste dump of a swamp (created by the one/two punch of a crooked judge and a shady corporation), one of their group ends up in a rather devoured state thanks to the fucking school bus sized mutant croc that calls that monstrous marsh home sweet home! As you can guess, the group want to protect the beast (environmentalists, remember?), no matter how much of a murder machine the bastard obviously is. Let me tell ya, keeping that lethal lizard alive isn’t going to be

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DanXIII

Oct 12, 2019

MoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Itsy Bitsy (2019): Dan XIII’s take!

Kara (Elizabeth Roberts) has a lot going for her… all of it bad. She is a former pill-popper, she killed one of her kids in a car accident, and her marriage has fallen to shit and back… so naturally Kara wants to get the hell out of dodge. To that end, she shoves her still-living brood, Jesse (Arman Darbo) and Cambria (Chloe Perrin0), into the car and moves cross country to take a position as caregiver to former treasure hunter Walter (Bruce Davison). Long story short; Walter owns an ancient artifact that contains a fucking huge spider that is tied to the spirit of a goddess, and that beastly bitch gets loose causing all manner of mayhem for our heroes… eventually. You see, the thing is, Itsy Bitsy has a bit of a focus problem. Is it a heavy-handed domestic drama, or is it a delirious creature feature? It’s both, and therein lies a problem pacing wise, and let’s be

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DanXIII

Oct 11, 2019

ForeignMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: Wax Mask (1997)

Paris: the early 1900’s: As a new age begins, a wax museum, operated by Boris Volkoff (Robert Hossein) and his strange assistants, is set to open and all of the city seems to be balls deep into that prospect. Along with that, there have been a rash of disappearances, mainly involving children and prostitutes. Swept up in the mix is young fashion designer Sonia (Romina Mondello), who’s mother was murdered twelve years prior. I wonder if there is a connection? As this fright flick contains zero mystery for the audience (it’s based on Gaston Leroux’s The Waxwork Museum which has been the basis of roughly eleven-billionty films, most famously as House of Wax starring Vincent Price in 1953), we know Volkoff is up to no good… and holy hell is he ever, as his wax creations are made of living victims and arcane science! Before long ol’ Sonia, along with her bland-as-shit pal Andrea (Serventi Longhi), are deep into the

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DanXIII

Oct 11, 2019

MoviesReviewsThriller

Movie Review: The Dark Place (2014)

Keegan Dark (Blaise Godbe Lipman) and his boyfriend Wil (Timo Descamps), are two dudes just livin’ their lives gifted with X-Men (eidetic memory and a knack for fixing that which should not be able to be fixed respectively). Our heroes make a trek to repair K-dawgs relationship with momma-dukes Celeste (Shannon Day); but the woman has moved on and started a new family… family which includes her new beau’s son Adrian (Andy Copeland) who is balls deep into the notion he can replace Keegan in Celeste’s life. Things go over like a fart in a submarine, and soon Wil is M.I.A., Celeste is in a coma… and Keegan is immediately blamed as the cause by the local authorities, but our hero suspects Adrian is the cause of all that static. In order to solve the mystery at hand, Keegan will have to own up to some deep, dark family secrets while using his mental prowess to piece together the clues!

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DanXIII

Oct 10, 2019

News

DC Comics Brings the Monster Action for this Spooky Season!

Let me tell ya cats n’ creeps; DC Comics has got one hell of a creepy collection of comics headed your way this monstrous month! Don’t believe me? Check out the sinister skinny on these revoltin’ releases! “DC has a host of new monster-filled, action-packed comics that will surely satisfy every reader’s needs for the spooky season. Some of this month’s most tantalizing releases include DC GHOSTS GIANT #1, a staggering 100-page print that includes three new supernatural stories written by Dan Jurgens, Keith Giffen and John Layman respectively, along with six other beautifully reprinted haunted tales. Not to be outdone, DC is returning to the beloved world of “Red Rain” in SECRETS OF SINISTER HOUSE, an 80-page anthology of terror curated with stories and artwork by Paul Dini, Bryan Hill and John Romita. You can also join Frankenstein and his gaggle of ghouls in GOTHAM CITY MONSTERS #1 as they attempt to keep the cosmos from collapsing around them.”

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DanXIII

Oct 9, 2019

ForeignMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Pumpkins (2018)

An unpopular farmer (Terry Wood) with a rather disconcerting pumpkin fetish, meets his end thanks to being scared to death by two hooligans (Dale Hooley and Nathan Jordie Keers), but he won’t stay dead for long, as the unhallowed ground he is buried in resurrects his ass as Pumpkin Man (Will Metheringham), a monstrous mountain of a man with a pumpkin visage that goes all in on the murder biz along with some living pumpkins (wait… what the fuck now?)! That’s all well and good, but in order to have a slasher opus you need victims… and along comes Lance (Roland Martial) and Denise (Sarah Jayne Curry); guides employed by a group of survival nuts to lead them to remote territory, which of course is directly on Pumpkin Man’s land. Naturally stalk n’ slay ghoulish goodness ensues, and our hapless heroes run afoul of not only our outre orange antagonist, but his naughty niece (played by the film’s director Maria

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DanXIII

Oct 8, 2019

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Devil’s Acid (2018)

A drunken dad tells his sleep derived son one one hell of an inappropriate whopper and thus begins Devil’s Acid… a drug-fueled journey through our beloved horror biz. The story proper concerns douchey Johnny (Drew Rin Varick), who invites a group of comely ladies (Ashley Dulaney, Jessica Lynn Parsons, Misty and Kim Ormiston, and Betty Jeune) along with his bro Luke (Eric Gibson) to a derelict jailhouse for a night of debased debauchery; all enhanced by the ingestion of the eponymous Devil’s acid that is rumored to provide one hell of a trip… literally. The gang goes apeshit off that arcane acid and believe they see ol’ Scratch himself (Finch Nissen) which is kinda prosaic given the evil babies, cults, and snogging with deer heads that also surround them. Given the above sinister synopsis above, you’d imagine you were in for one hell of an off-kilter and bizarre fright flick, and you’d be right… but Devil’s Acid is nothing if

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DanXIII

Oct 7, 2019

IndieMoviesReviews

Movie Review: Holiday Hell (2019)

As is the way around these putrid parts, my arcane ass has yet another horror anthology to review… so let’s hang the monstrous mistletoe and get balls deep into Holiday Hell shall we? Waiting until the last possible moment; a woman enters a curio shop on Christmas Eve looking for a gift. Well, said shop is run by Re-Animator‘s Jeffrey Combs, who gives fuck-all how late our heroine is and proceeds to weave a quartet of terror tales involving objects in the shop… on of which she must choose to purchase before the clock strikes midnight. Lady, just leave and grab a gift card somewhere; sure it’s unoriginal and lazy, but you get to not be menaced by supernatural shenanigans, and who doesn’t like iTunes or Target? Since she defies logic and stays, let’s start examining these yarns… First up we get Dollface; the story of a gang o’ teens poppin’ a squat in a murder house. this dread domicile

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DanXIII

Oct 7, 2019

MoviesParanormalReviews

Movie Review: The Curse Of Buckout Road (2017)

Urban legends; I dig ’em, and apparently so does the horror biz at large, because we sure do get a veritable shit-ton of fright flicks involving them… like The Curse of Buckout Road for instance… Said curse on Buckout Road is that seemingly all manner of urban legends call the locale their haunted home… and that makes that revoltin’ road (located in Westchester, New York) a real ass pain for those that have to traverse it. Enter former military-man Aaron (Evan Ross) who takes up residence with his shrink uncle Lawrence (Danny Glover), who thankfully for us horror hounds, is B.D. in a case involving three college kids who are dealing with supernatural shenanigans after investigating that eponymous road… and soon our hero gets caught up in the ghoulish goings-on, and with the help of Reverend Mike (Colm Feore) attempts to find which monstrous menace (for the record, said menaces are albino cannibals, a vengeful ghost, and hot under the

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DanXIII

Oct 7, 2019

IndieMoviesReviews

Blu-ray Review: The Prey (1983)

Shot in 1979, set in 1980, released in 1983… and packed from asshole to earlobes with nature stock footage, what else could it be but The Prey? Well, honestly it’s possible it could be something else… but it isn’t; it’s The Prey. Anyway, the plot to this sinister slasher is simple; three good lookin’ couples (no surprise here as Edwin and Summer Brown were known for their porno flicks before they dipped their tingling toes in our beloved horror biz) traipse off into the woods for a lil’ rest and relaxation (read: sexy time), but it soon becomes apparent they are not alone in that freaky forest! As a lengthy, and oh-so-tacked on flashback sequence (that is confusingly presented at times in both sepia hue and color for no good reason) reveals; gypsies (like they have one of those olde timey carts and everything) once settled in those woods, and thanks to the horny antics of one of their clan,

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DanXIII

Oct 6, 2019

DanXIII

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