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DanXIII

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Blu-ray: Post Mortem (2020)

Blu-ray: Post Mortem (2020)

With Spanish Flu outbreak of 1918 raging, and the first World War winding down, our dude Tomás (Viktor Klem), a post-mortem photographer by trade, has plenty of stiffs to keep business booming as he laboriously poses those corpses and snaps shots for their relatives to have as keepsakes of their loved ones. Why is Tommy so balls deep in the corpse biz (not literally, though in this column would it really come as a surprise if he was?)? Because he nearly was one himself as he was technically dead, but an ethereal young girl revives his ass on the battlefield where he is rescued from a gaggle of extinct soldiers. After becoming something of a sideshow exhibit due to his experiences while touring with a travelling carnival (nothing good ever comes of those fucking things) he eventually comes in contact with a 10 year-old girl named Anna (Fruzsina Hais), who asks our hero to come and photograph the many corpses

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 10, 2022
Blu-ray Review: The Funhouse (1981)

Blu-ray Review: The Funhouse (1981)

After some truly creepy shit with a young kid waltzing right into the middle of his naked sisters shower… you know the kind in these flicks, where our heroine absently soaps up her breasts more than anyone in the history of ever has done… and pretends to kill her, slasher style along with stern warning from her father (not shower based) to stay away from the local carnival/recent murder site (I bet those words have been strung together more times than we can imagine), Amy Harper (Elizabeth Berridge) and her friends head directly to the local carnival/recent murder site. After much fairground fuckery, including a sideshow featuring deformed animals and fetuses (fun for the whole family!), a magic show featuring Marco the Magnificent (the Phantom of the Paradise himself, William Finley), and a disastrous visit to the resident mystic, Madame Zena (Sylvia Miles), Amy and the gang decide to stick around after hours and spend the night in the eponymous

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 6, 2022
Movie Review: The Gravedigger (2019)

Movie Review: The Gravedigger (2019)

A Gravediggin’ man (Paul Homza) has a bit of surprise at work when he sees an actual living being in his cemetery instead of the usual stiffs he associates with. Fear not for our hero though, as the “living” being he has found is stitched together from pieces of more corpses than currently reside in the boneyard he tends… that’s right boils n’ ghouls, he has run across none other than Frankenstein’s monster (Gisbert Heuer)! Soon our protagonist is helping that misunderstood monster try to find any scrap of humanity left in that shamblin’ shell of patchwork flesh, but all isn’t well for long as the monsters creator, Victor (Tyler Charles Kane), is hot on his trail, and he’s eager to make that poor bastard double-dead for what he did to the “good” doctor’s family! Directed by Erynn Dalton and written by Joseph Zettelmaier, The Gravedigger is a study in minimalism that manages to be engaging while offering a refreshingly

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 3, 2022
Blu-ray Review: Massacre at Central High (1976)

Blu-ray Review: Massacre at Central High (1976)

After learning the film was distributed by someone named “Brian”… and only “Brian”… and his distribution company, we get down to brass tacks with Massacre at Central High… Mark (Andrew Stevens), along with his bully buddies Bruce (Ray Underwood), Craig (Steve Bond), and Paul (Damon Douglas) rule Central High through a reign of douche-baggery seldom seen on the silver screen! Take for instance their harassment of nerdy Spoony (Robert Carradine, Revenge of the Nerds coincidentally… ) who is busy painting swastikas on school lockers which they force him to clean off… okay, that one is a bit dodgy… would it help if I told you he was painting them in protest of their raucous regime? Enter: David (Derrel Maury), a new man on campus who just so happens to be an old buddy of Mark’s… an old buddy that helped him out of a “jam” at their old alma mater. Now David is one aloof mother fucker, so when he’s

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 3, 2022
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DVD Review: Hellbender (2021)

DVD Review: Hellbender (2021)

Izzy (Zelda Adams) lives a reclusive life deep within the woods in a mountain top house she shares with her mother (played by her real life mother Toby Poser… but more on all that in a bit my fiends) where the two of them get up to all manner of mother/daughter biz primarily consisting of creating some sweet-ass tunes with their two woman band, Hellbender, while glammed up in their home rehearsal space and eating pinecones, roots, and other assorted plant-based crunchy bits. Things are all art and river swimmin’ for Izzy, so life is pretty damn good except for one thing… she’s sick and cannot leave her property or interact with others. That of course goes to hell in a handbasket when Izzy learns that a girl her age lives just opposite her and it isn’t long before Izzy befriends said girl, Amber (LuLu Adams) by name, and soon that ol’ hoary chestnut “teen drinking” eventually leads our heroine

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 28, 2022
Blu-ray Review: The Necro Files (1997)

Blu-ray Review: The Necro Files (1997)

Beginning with that ol’ razzle-dazzle of full-frontal nudity, Matt Jaissle’s The Necro Files (hahaha, clever!) begins moistly with a woman being harassed during shower time by a masked assailant (Issac Cooper)… and his mask bears a swastika, just to let us know he’s evil… which is good because the murder/sexual assault and graphic dismemberment left me wondering. It’s double penetration like you seldom see these days, and it’s a mess, so showering was a moot point… Anyway, after being killed while already apprehended by the police, some masked Satanists resurrect that sex-crazed psycho from the grave by murdering a baby (doll) that is the result of one of his past sex crimes… a move they soon regret as the resulting dick removing rampage really puts a crimp in some of that kooky cult’s style! Having escaped the zombie rampage, two of the cult members are scared straight and decide to use a counter spell to put that zesty zombie, now

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 2, 2022
Blu-ray Review: YellowBrickRoad (2010): Updated Special Edition

Blu-ray Review: YellowBrickRoad (2010): Updated Special Edition

One fine morning back in 1940, the citizens of Friar, New Hampshire walked into the wilderness, en masse, and got their asses slaughtered (minus one “lucky” fellow) by who the piss knows what on a trail named Yellow-brick Road. Flash forward to the amazing future year of 2008 and enter Teddy Barnes (Michael Laurino) who just so happens to be the leader of a group of adventurous sorts who trek off to that rural town in search of answers to the distant tragedy. They bring a rad-ass lil’ land rover/dune buggy thing with them too if you are keeping score at home… which you lot never are… Once there they encounter un-cooperative townies (minus one loquacious lass who actually provides some info) before trekking off on the same path as the citizens of yore. Speaking of those folks, as the (seemingly endless) “road” goes on and ever fuckin’ on, they find themselves more removed from civilization (no matter how un-civil

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 30, 2022
4K-UHD Review: Candyman (1992)

4K-UHD Review: Candyman (1992)

Helen (Virginia Madsen) and her friend Bernadette (Kasi Lemmons) are just a couple o’ ladies on their way to complete a thesis at the college they attend… a thesis revolving around the local urban legend of a supernatural menace known as the Candyman (the legendary Tony Todd) who has been rumored to stalk the absolute living nightmare of the tenements of Chicago’s Cabrini-Green if anyone is foolish enough to utter his name five times before a mirror. And why wouldn’t they strut right on into the horribly depressed an violent projects? I mean besides the dangerous fellows out front, there’s the matter of the very real titular grotesquery; a son of a slave that was murdered for falling in love with a white woman who has come back from the dead with a real hatred for… well, everyone. Add in his meat hook hand, and belly full of bees guaranteed to take your ass out like My Girl-style Macaulay Culkin,

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 29, 2022
Blu-ray Review: Lux Aeterna (2019)

Blu-ray Review: Lux Aeterna (2019)

Lux Aeterna begins with legendary French actress Béatrice Dalle (Betty Blue) playing herself (or writer/director Gaspar Noé’s version of her anyway) having a lengthy conversation with the star of her upcoming witch trial flick God’s Work, Lars von Trier muse Charlotte Gainsbourg. The fireside chat steers towards the perils they have faced in the entertainment industry (and seems agonizingly authentic even if it was faked for film), and as the conversation progresses we can’t help but think of the parallels between the way women are treated in a male dominated world and the witches of old… yeah man, this is an art house flick with plenty on its mind, and the point is hard to dismiss right down to the usage of sequences from Benjamin Christensen’s 1922 cinematic treatise on the evolution of witchcraft, Haxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages during the film’s opening. Naturally, the production goes slightly off the rails when a bunch of clueless dudes (an American director,

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 23, 2022
Blu-ray Review: The Eurocrypt of Christopher Lee Collection 2 (1959 - 1988)

Blu-ray Review: The Eurocrypt of Christopher Lee Collection 2 (1959 – 1988)

Sir Christopher Lee had one hell of a run, and while being one of the greatest screen Dracula’s of all-time he also found time to star in some of the biggest film franchises in cinema history such as Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings… he also found time to star in all-manner of seriously bizarre shit, such as the 1983 superhero parody The Return of Captain Invincible (which I reviewed right here) and much of the material that comprises The Eurocrypt of Christopher Lee: Collection 2 from those delightful devils at Severin Films! Kicking off this creepy collection is 1959’s Uncle Was a Vampire… Always one to get down with a fang bang, Lee stars as Baron Roderico, a vampire… imagine that! Anyway, Baron R picks up stakes (not literally, that would kill the auld fellow) and arrives at the castle of his broke as a joke nephew… only to find it has been converted to a hotel

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 22, 2022

More from DanXIII

Blu-ray: Post Mortem (2020)

Blu-ray: Post Mortem (2020)

With Spanish Flu outbreak of 1918 raging, and the first World War winding down, our dude Tomás (Viktor Klem), a post-mortem photographer by trade, has plenty of stiffs to keep business booming as he laboriously poses those corpses and snaps shots for their relatives to have as keepsakes of their loved ones. Why is Tommy so balls deep in the corpse biz (not literally, though in this column would it really come as a surprise if he was?)? Because he nearly was one himself as he was technically dead, but an ethereal young girl revives his ass on the battlefield where he is rescued from a gaggle of extinct soldiers. After becoming something of a sideshow exhibit due to his experiences while touring with a travelling carnival (nothing good ever comes of those fucking things) he eventually comes in contact with a 10 year-old girl named Anna (Fruzsina Hais), who asks our hero to come and photograph the many corpses

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 10, 2022
Blu-ray Review: The Funhouse (1981)

Blu-ray Review: The Funhouse (1981)

After some truly creepy shit with a young kid waltzing right into the middle of his naked sisters shower… you know the kind in these flicks, where our heroine absently soaps up her breasts more than anyone in the history of ever has done… and pretends to kill her, slasher style along with stern warning from her father (not shower based) to stay away from the local carnival/recent murder site (I bet those words have been strung together more times than we can imagine), Amy Harper (Elizabeth Berridge) and her friends head directly to the local carnival/recent murder site. After much fairground fuckery, including a sideshow featuring deformed animals and fetuses (fun for the whole family!), a magic show featuring Marco the Magnificent (the Phantom of the Paradise himself, William Finley), and a disastrous visit to the resident mystic, Madame Zena (Sylvia Miles), Amy and the gang decide to stick around after hours and spend the night in the eponymous

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 6, 2022
Movie Review: The Gravedigger (2019)

Movie Review: The Gravedigger (2019)

A Gravediggin’ man (Paul Homza) has a bit of surprise at work when he sees an actual living being in his cemetery instead of the usual stiffs he associates with. Fear not for our hero though, as the “living” being he has found is stitched together from pieces of more corpses than currently reside in the boneyard he tends… that’s right boils n’ ghouls, he has run across none other than Frankenstein’s monster (Gisbert Heuer)! Soon our protagonist is helping that misunderstood monster try to find any scrap of humanity left in that shamblin’ shell of patchwork flesh, but all isn’t well for long as the monsters creator, Victor (Tyler Charles Kane), is hot on his trail, and he’s eager to make that poor bastard double-dead for what he did to the “good” doctor’s family! Directed by Erynn Dalton and written by Joseph Zettelmaier, The Gravedigger is a study in minimalism that manages to be engaging while offering a refreshingly

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 3, 2022
Blu-ray Review: Massacre at Central High (1976)

Blu-ray Review: Massacre at Central High (1976)

After learning the film was distributed by someone named “Brian”… and only “Brian”… and his distribution company, we get down to brass tacks with Massacre at Central High… Mark (Andrew Stevens), along with his bully buddies Bruce (Ray Underwood), Craig (Steve Bond), and Paul (Damon Douglas) rule Central High through a reign of douche-baggery seldom seen on the silver screen! Take for instance their harassment of nerdy Spoony (Robert Carradine, Revenge of the Nerds coincidentally… ) who is busy painting swastikas on school lockers which they force him to clean off… okay, that one is a bit dodgy… would it help if I told you he was painting them in protest of their raucous regime? Enter: David (Derrel Maury), a new man on campus who just so happens to be an old buddy of Mark’s… an old buddy that helped him out of a “jam” at their old alma mater. Now David is one aloof mother fucker, so when he’s

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 3, 2022
DVD Review: Hellbender (2021)

DVD Review: Hellbender (2021)

Izzy (Zelda Adams) lives a reclusive life deep within the woods in a mountain top house she shares with her mother (played by her real life mother Toby Poser… but more on all that in a bit my fiends) where the two of them get up to all manner of mother/daughter biz primarily consisting of creating some sweet-ass tunes with their two woman band, Hellbender, while glammed up in their home rehearsal space and eating pinecones, roots, and other assorted plant-based crunchy bits. Things are all art and river swimmin’ for Izzy, so life is pretty damn good except for one thing… she’s sick and cannot leave her property or interact with others. That of course goes to hell in a handbasket when Izzy learns that a girl her age lives just opposite her and it isn’t long before Izzy befriends said girl, Amber (LuLu Adams) by name, and soon that ol’ hoary chestnut “teen drinking” eventually leads our heroine

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 28, 2022
Blu-ray Review: The Necro Files (1997)

Blu-ray Review: The Necro Files (1997)

Beginning with that ol’ razzle-dazzle of full-frontal nudity, Matt Jaissle’s The Necro Files (hahaha, clever!) begins moistly with a woman being harassed during shower time by a masked assailant (Issac Cooper)… and his mask bears a swastika, just to let us know he’s evil… which is good because the murder/sexual assault and graphic dismemberment left me wondering. It’s double penetration like you seldom see these days, and it’s a mess, so showering was a moot point… Anyway, after being killed while already apprehended by the police, some masked Satanists resurrect that sex-crazed psycho from the grave by murdering a baby (doll) that is the result of one of his past sex crimes… a move they soon regret as the resulting dick removing rampage really puts a crimp in some of that kooky cult’s style! Having escaped the zombie rampage, two of the cult members are scared straight and decide to use a counter spell to put that zesty zombie, now

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 2, 2022
Blu-ray Review: YellowBrickRoad (2010): Updated Special Edition

Blu-ray Review: YellowBrickRoad (2010): Updated Special Edition

One fine morning back in 1940, the citizens of Friar, New Hampshire walked into the wilderness, en masse, and got their asses slaughtered (minus one “lucky” fellow) by who the piss knows what on a trail named Yellow-brick Road. Flash forward to the amazing future year of 2008 and enter Teddy Barnes (Michael Laurino) who just so happens to be the leader of a group of adventurous sorts who trek off to that rural town in search of answers to the distant tragedy. They bring a rad-ass lil’ land rover/dune buggy thing with them too if you are keeping score at home… which you lot never are… Once there they encounter un-cooperative townies (minus one loquacious lass who actually provides some info) before trekking off on the same path as the citizens of yore. Speaking of those folks, as the (seemingly endless) “road” goes on and ever fuckin’ on, they find themselves more removed from civilization (no matter how un-civil

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 30, 2022
4K-UHD Review: Candyman (1992)

4K-UHD Review: Candyman (1992)

Helen (Virginia Madsen) and her friend Bernadette (Kasi Lemmons) are just a couple o’ ladies on their way to complete a thesis at the college they attend… a thesis revolving around the local urban legend of a supernatural menace known as the Candyman (the legendary Tony Todd) who has been rumored to stalk the absolute living nightmare of the tenements of Chicago’s Cabrini-Green if anyone is foolish enough to utter his name five times before a mirror. And why wouldn’t they strut right on into the horribly depressed an violent projects? I mean besides the dangerous fellows out front, there’s the matter of the very real titular grotesquery; a son of a slave that was murdered for falling in love with a white woman who has come back from the dead with a real hatred for… well, everyone. Add in his meat hook hand, and belly full of bees guaranteed to take your ass out like My Girl-style Macaulay Culkin,

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 29, 2022
Blu-ray Review: Lux Aeterna (2019)

Blu-ray Review: Lux Aeterna (2019)

Lux Aeterna begins with legendary French actress Béatrice Dalle (Betty Blue) playing herself (or writer/director Gaspar Noé’s version of her anyway) having a lengthy conversation with the star of her upcoming witch trial flick God’s Work, Lars von Trier muse Charlotte Gainsbourg. The fireside chat steers towards the perils they have faced in the entertainment industry (and seems agonizingly authentic even if it was faked for film), and as the conversation progresses we can’t help but think of the parallels between the way women are treated in a male dominated world and the witches of old… yeah man, this is an art house flick with plenty on its mind, and the point is hard to dismiss right down to the usage of sequences from Benjamin Christensen’s 1922 cinematic treatise on the evolution of witchcraft, Haxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages during the film’s opening. Naturally, the production goes slightly off the rails when a bunch of clueless dudes (an American director,

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 23, 2022
Blu-ray Review: The Eurocrypt of Christopher Lee Collection 2 (1959 - 1988)

Blu-ray Review: The Eurocrypt of Christopher Lee Collection 2 (1959 – 1988)

Sir Christopher Lee had one hell of a run, and while being one of the greatest screen Dracula’s of all-time he also found time to star in some of the biggest film franchises in cinema history such as Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings… he also found time to star in all-manner of seriously bizarre shit, such as the 1983 superhero parody The Return of Captain Invincible (which I reviewed right here) and much of the material that comprises The Eurocrypt of Christopher Lee: Collection 2 from those delightful devils at Severin Films! Kicking off this creepy collection is 1959’s Uncle Was a Vampire… Always one to get down with a fang bang, Lee stars as Baron Roderico, a vampire… imagine that! Anyway, Baron R picks up stakes (not literally, that would kill the auld fellow) and arrives at the castle of his broke as a joke nephew… only to find it has been converted to a hotel

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 22, 2022
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